Worse yet, she couldn’t imagine someone as sexual as Bryan remaining monogamous when they only got together once in a while. The thought of him being with another woman made her sick to her stomach, and she wished she could be one of those urbane, sophisticated women who could separate sex and love, but she just couldn’t. Maybe that was the most painful and real thing she’d learned this whole trip.
She tried to pull away from his arms, but he growled and hugged her closer. “We’re not done yet, little flame. You will not deny me the joy of holding you close and giving you the love and care that you need.”
At the word “love,” panic suffused her, and she pushed at his arms, struggling to get free. “Let me go, please. I need to go. I shouldn’t be here.” Her words came out in a helpless keen, and she shuddered at that wounded noise.
“Shhh, Tanwen, relax. I’ve got you; you’re okay. Nothing will hurt you while you’re in my arms.”
Her voice came out in a ragged whisper as she said the VR safe word that would automatically boot her out of the simulation. “Pizzarific.”
The sensation of Bryan’s arms holding her faded, and she realized it wasn’t that he was releasing her, but rather their VR session was ending. As her mind raced in the darkness, she tried to tell herself she wasn’t falling in love with Bryan, but her foolish heart wouldn’t listen.
Chapter Nine
Tanwen sat up so quickly she slammed her head against the clear plastic covering the pod as she came out of VR. Silver bracelets gleamed above her as she focused on Michelle’s hands unlatching the pod. A dull ache resonated through her head as she gently rubbed the spot she had hit on the covering.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Michelle said as she stood over the pod and opened it manually. She helped Tanwen sit up and grabbed her in a hug, patting Tanwen’s back in a soothing motion. “Are you okay?”
Not wanting to upset Michelle, Tanwen tried to brush away the tears. “I’m fine. Thank you for your help. I have to go.”
Michelle didn’t release Tanwen from her hug; if anything she held her tighter. “Oh hells to the bells no, you are not fine. What happened? Did you get hurt?”
Tanwen tried to laugh and winced at how much it sounded like a sob. It wasn’t the ache of her VR body that had her upset but the heartbreak she was sure lay in her future. As much as she liked Michelle, she wasn’t ready to share that, so she focused on the physical aspects of what had happened instead. “No, well yes, but it wasn’t really my body.”
Michelle leaned back enough to hold her gaze and said in a low and soft voice, “Tanwen, did anyone force you to do something you didn’t want?”
“No, everything they did I wanted. I…enjoyed it.” She closed her eyes, unable to look at Michelle while she admitted the truth. “Every depraved, horrible thing we did made me more aroused than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m a pervert.”
Michelle made a strangled noise that sounded strangely like laugh, and Tanwen stiffened and looked at her through narrowed eyes. Unperturbed, Michelle took a seat next to her on the bed and kept one arm around Tanwen’s shoulder. “So you had a satisfying, consensual sexual experience with another adult, and that makes you a pervert?”
“You don’t understand. I did…things with…with two men.” She held her up her hand to stop Michelle from speaking. “That may be normal around here, but in my world, that makes me a slut. What kind of woman would let a man do those things to her, and what kind of man would want a woman like that?”
Once she spoke those words, she realized that by Bryan inviting another person into their play, virtual or not, it reinforced that he didn’t have any feelings for her outside of sex. She didn’t think she would ever be able to share him with another woman, but he’d shared her with another man like it was no big deal. When they’d been talking about him being her master, she thought he’d been talking about more than just sex, and she had really, really liked the idea of being his.
“Pish posh,” Michelle said and made a shooing gesture. “This dom you’re seeing, Bryan, did he act jealous at all?”
“Well, no. He said he wants me to explore all my fantasies. In fact, he kind of insisted that the other guy…umm…” She had a flashback of the sensation of Danny’s cock sliding down her throat as Bryan took her from behind, and her body clenched with need. On the heels of that thought came the absolutely mind-blowing moment when she felt the brush of Danny’s furry face against her mound as he suckled Bryan’s balls. That thought turned her on even more. “He didn’t seem to have a problem with it,” she finished in an embarrassed squeak.
“And how is he outside of VR? Do you do the same things in bed?”
Tanwen swung her legs, the tips of her sandals brushing the tiles of the floor. “We haven’t really done that outside of VR.”
“Do you want to do ‘that’? The dirty, the nasty, the horizontal mambo, hide the sausage, tame the snake, bump uglies—”
Tanwen giggled and gently put her hand over Michelle’s mouth. “Okay, okay. No, we haven’t had sex outside of VR.”
Michelle pulled her hand down and gave her a gentle smile. “Keep in mind I don’t know anything about this man or his perspective on things, but my suggestion to you would be relax and enjoy the ride. You have a fun VR playmate who might or might not be something more. Do you want something more?”
Tanwen fiddled with the edge of her shirt. Yes, she wanted more, but the question was, did he? “I don’t know. I mean, I came here for some wild and crazy experiences—oh heck, let’s call a spade a spade. I came here for some wild and crazy sex, and Bryan totally delivers on that level. As for real life, I worked very hard to become as independent as I am. After my divorce, I had a hard time going anywhere by myself. The first time I went to the movies alone, I sat in the back of the theater and cried because I felt so unloved.” The memory still stung her heart. “My ex-husband used to come home between five thirty and six every workday. I’d find myself alone in my apartment scrambling to get dinner done by six, only to realize no one was coming home to eat it with me.” Her voice grew thick, and she took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be that woman again.”
“You’ll never be that woman again, Tanwen, no matter what happens.”
“How am I supposed to face Bryan after what we did today? He probably thinks I’m queen of the crazy nymphomaniac übersluts.”
Michelle smiled and patted Tanwen on top of her head. “Sorry, honey, but you have some stiff competition for that title this week. You’ll never know what he thinks if you don’t talk to him. Instead you’ll torture yourself with imaginary conversations in which he calls you every name in the book.”
Tanwen winced. “Am I that transparent?”
“No, I’m just that good of a therapist.” Michelle hopped down and helped Tanwen off the bed. “Go take a nice bath and a nap. Give this experience a chance to gel, and when you go to dinner tonight, I want you to talk to Bryan. No hiding in your room and ordering room service so you can have a one-woman pity party. Those days are over, aren’t they?”
Michelle made it sound more like an order than a request, and Tanwen straightened her shoulders and saluted her. “Yes, ma’am.”
“You have your marching orders, solider. Dismissed.”
Tanwen managed to keep back the tears until she made it to her room, but as soon as the door snicked behind her, a harsh sob broke free from her chest. She stumbled to her bed and threw herself on the mattress, a beam of sunlight warming her back from the windows. The pain and sorrow of the last two years seemed to burst free from where she’d trapped it in her soul, swamping her all at once.