"Some of these people were hoping to use their research at the institute as a stepping-stone, a way to circumvent Japanese academia and obtain a position in an American or European university. If anything, Guide was happy with this sort of ambition. He often stayed over at the Izu Institute, and when he returned he couldn't stop telling me, despite my complete igno- rance of all these cuttingedge scientific fields, about how well these young researchers were progressing."
3
"The people at the institute," Patron continued, "were dyed-in-the-wool scientists. Also, as I've said, there were people who, in university, graduate school, or at work, had suffered various disappointments and frustrations. But thanks to the wonderful facilities, experimental lab apparatus, and the free system of research at the institute, these people once again came face-to-face with the crisis they thought they'd solved--a more fundamental crisis, one they began to see included spiritual questions.
"They also began to take a good hard look at the religious aspect of the church. Some of the members sent me a list of requests, which made me ap- preciate how tense the situation was there. The members who wanted to see me were ones I had personal memories of, who after renouncing the world had joined the church before being selected as members of the research insti- tute. And this is what they told me: "Our souls have been aroused, and we've drawn close to your religious ideas. Through Guide's good offices we've been selected for something that's almost too good to be true, to be able to live together with other church members and at the same time carry on our individual research.
"For some time we've been meeting after work, holding discussions about the happiness and peace that come from the visions of the other side you've provided. As you preached, our prayers were based not on some outside source but on our inner selves as a source of energy, and we began to hold joint prayer sessions, with prayers that welled up sponta- neously from within. Guide told us our prayer group was the best and most natural group in the whole church.
"With this prayer group as a foothold, one after another of the mem- bers of the research team who weren't church members came to faith.
As we met more often, we began to have doubts that our prayers would really reach the other side, just by continuing our lives as they were- supported by the church to conduct research, and praying as we did.
Through our prayers we stood ready, like a sprinter bent over at the start- ing line. Both body and spirit expectant, waiting with bated breath for the sound of the starting gun. But was this really enough?
"As we prayerfully await the starting signal, our bodies and minds tense, it's painful. That pain does not come from the feebleness of our prayers. We talked about it at our meeting, and one person said it's the pain of our thirsting souls, and surprisingly everyone said they felt the same way. Which brings us to our requests to you.
"Patron, you give us a vision of the end of the world, of the end time.
And you call for repentance. From the bottom of our hearts we feel this as we pray. You bring back words that are given to you directly on the other side, which Guide then helps convey to this side. Those words strike us deeply and urge us on to ever more devotion to prayer.
"So this is what we ask of you, Patron: What does God want us to do?
Tell us straight out. Why are we at the starting blocks? For what pur- pose are we training our bodies and our spirits? Use your trances to find out for us, we beg of you. Perhaps you have already seen this. Is this vi- sion so frightening you shrink away from it, not even revealing it to Guide, and claim that God has not yet spoken?
"We are waiting for you, Patron, to transmit the words of God. Prayer teaches us this-that the only thing we have to accomplish in this world is to receive these words of God and use them as our basis for action. We are scientists, which means that more than other people we can clearly hear the approaching steps of the end of the world. And we are zealously await- ing your words. Didn't you receive us into the church, and didn't Guide select us as members of the research institute because of this? Because we listen to these words? Are we really so fragile that we can't bear the bur- den of those terrible words? We beg of you, please accept our petition."
"When Guide brought this petition to me from Izu, it was still sealed.
My eyesight is bad, so when I opened it I had Guide read it aloud. When he finished reading it Guide averted his eyes with a noncommittal look, a look that bored into me nonetheless. It troubled me that Guide, who had created the research institute and who'd spoken of the trust he felt for these young people and how much he was looking forward to their future, would be so noncommittal when he transmitted this ardent petition. These young people were pressing me to come to a decision, yet Guide kept a cool distance from things, waiting for me to speak. It felt worse than being isolated and alone- it was like I'd been completely abandoned.
"Okay! I thought, coming to a decision. There wasn't any solid basis for my decision, just a voice deep inside me saying that now was not the time to let the chance slip by, that I had to take the leap if I didn't want to be lackadaisical for the rest of my life. And I followed this voice. I said this to Guide: 'Isn't the One who summons me each time to my trances waiting to hear from me about the appeals in this petition? Up till now I've never posed any questions on the other side about what our church should be doing, the reason being that, as the church grew, so did my sense of responsibility toward the lives of the members on this side. Also it was my personal re- sponsibility to follow the call that I hear on the other side, no matter how far beyond our ordinary logic it goes. Listening to that call made me start this religious movement in the first place. But with so many followers now, in order to lead the church I have to give priority to the logic of our world.
I have a responsibility to do that.
'"But one of the things I always awaken to on the other side is the fact that the logic of this world is meaningless. As the leader of the church-and as mediator between this side and the other-I have to carry out this role to the full, not letting the pipeline between the two sides clog up.
'"Next time I have a deep trance, though,' I told Guide, 'I'm going to grab this petition by the neck, drag it along with me, and ask that very question: What does God want us to do? No matter how terrible the reply is, I'm going to bring that vision back with me. And you'd better steel yourself to translate it. I won't be controlled by the logic of our world. The next time a sign is gouged out in my soul as a fresh wound in my trance, I'm not going to equivocate. That's got to be the only way out of the split I've suffered for so long.'
"Guide took me seriously, but there was still something opaque about his reactions. Blast it all! I thought. This is the first delusion I have to over- come through my own decision. As long as this delusion remains within me, my comrade who supports me in the faith will never be free. I have to over- come this for Guide's sake too, I told myself.
"And so I waited for a deep trance to take hold of me. At the time, I went into a trance about once a month. Once I started to wait, though, four weeks passed, then five, and finally eight weeks. Nothing. This brought home to me once more that the trances came to me from the other side, they weren't something I could initiate.