The garage was flooded by natural light from a skylight. Except for a clear area in the center where a lone easel stood, the rest of the room was lined with paintings, stacked three or four deep. Tim had been a busy boy!
Ben began looking through his work. Some pieces he recognized from the past; others were new. Tim’s painting had become much more expressive. Some were wild and daring, with shocks of vivid color dominating the canvas. Others were dark, small, and claustrophobic. Is that how Tim felt when he hid from the world? Or were they from his time alone after Eric had died?
Then there was a third style found in only a handful of paintings. These contained elements of realism, usually an object in the center that was surrounded by small wisps of color, making it glow with an etheric light. Ben had never seen anything like it before.
The painting on the easel was done in such style. It featured an older man who looked sickly and tired. This was no doubt Eric, but bathed in the radiance of Tim’s new technique, he looked more like an angel than a dying man.
The sound of Tim’s car pulling into the driveway snapped Ben out of his thoughts. He hurried out the door, which was thankfully on the opposite side of the building, just before he was spotted.
“Wow,” Tim grinned. “Think hard enough about something and it’ll come true.”
“What do you mean?”
Tim took him upstairs to his bedroom and showed him. Afterwards, Ben lay with his head on Tim’s chest, idly finger-tracing the lines and contours that shaped his body.
“What are we?” Ben asked.
“After that? Exhausted.”
“Seriously.”
“Well,” Tim replied, “I’d like to think that you’re my boyfriend.”
An unasked question hung in the air. What about Jace?
“Are you staying in Austin after you graduate?” Ben asked, changing topics.
“I guess so. I don’t really want to go back to Houston. Do you?”
“No. Do you ever visit?”
Tim shifted underneath him. “For the holidays, yeah.”
“Your parents will be surprised to see me in your life again.”
Tim didn’t say anything. His silence spoke volumes.
“They don’t know you’re gay, do they?” Ben prompted.
“Why bother telling them?” Tim said. “They’re hardly a part of my life.”
Ben propped up on an elbow so he could better scrutinize his would-be boyfriend. “You said you came out!”
“I did! To friends and lots of other people. I don’t tell my family anything about me.”
“But what if they found out?” Ben said. “Last time that almost happened you ditched me rather than be discovered.”
“I’ll tell them if you want,” Tim grumped. “Am I supposed to call them right now, or can we relax?”
Ben wanted to retort with something smart, or ask why all of his paintings were hidden away in the garage, but he didn’t want to ruin the afternoon. Instead he offered to make something to eat, the cooking time buying him some solitude to think before he served the meal. Ben debated whether or not it mattered that Tim’s parents didn’t know. Now that Tim was no longer dependent on them, they had no say in his life. Ben could imagine that they weren’t close to their son. Still, it hurt him that the one secret that had ruined their relationship the first time was still being kept. If Tim wanted Ben to be a part of his life, that would have to change.
* * * * *
When Ben thought of defending his thesis, he usually imagined a trial—judges sitting high above him in a cold and stony courtroom, scrutinizing his every word and demanding answers to questions he had never thought of. As he discovered Monday morning, the process was much more relaxed than that. He faced one of his professors and two other faculty members who were politely bored throughout his presentation. They asked a few token questions before informing him that he had passed. Ben was glad a graduation ceremony was still to come—otherwise his academic career would have ended with a yawn rather than a bang.
Ben had planned to meet Tim in the cafeteria for lunch, but had finished earlier than expected. He had a good idea where Tim’s current class was and decided to meet him there instead. The halls began to fill with other students as he reached the right area. Finally he spotted Tim. He raised a hand and was about to call out when he saw who Tim was talking to.
The other person had highlighted, primped hair and clothes that were a bit too flashy for someone not on stage. And yet, there Aaron was, chatting casually with Tim, school books in hand. Ben practically gave a battle cry as he ran toward them. Aaron was turning away by the time he reached them, but Ben grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around.
“You go to school here?” Ben snarled.
“What the hell?” Aaron said irritably, but then his face registered recognition. “Oh god! Leave me alone!”
He tried to pull away, but Ben grabbed him with his other hand and tightened his grip.
“I thought you were from out of town. You’re a student here, aren’t you?”
“Ask Tim!” Aaron squealed. “Leave me out your little love triangle.”
Ben let him go, having heard enough. He barely spared Tim a glance as he turned to leave, but now it was his turn to be restrained.
“Benjamin, wait,” Tim said. “Let me explain.”
“You lied! And I was stupid enough to believe you. And now Jace--” He choked on the name, tears welling up. He wasn’t the only one. Tim was clenching his jaw, fighting back tears of his own, but a few had already escaped.
“I would do anything to be with you,” Tim said, voice strained. “Yeah, I lied, but I don’t regret it. If that’s what it took to get you back, then it was worth it.”
Ben barely heard his words. He kept thinking of the pain he had put Jace through, and how much worse it would be when Jace learned that he had been with Tim.
Tim tried pulling him in close, but Ben put all his strength into pushing away. He ran to the parking lot, Tim trailing behind and saying anything he could to get him to stay. His words fell on deaf ears until Ben was unlocking his car door.
“You wanted to believe the lie.”
Ben dropped his keys.
“You wanted an excuse to come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall apart just as much as I did.”
Ben turned and leaned against his car for support; Tim reached out and caught him by both shoulders. He was right. If Ben was completely honest with himself, he knew Jace would never cheat. Especially with someone as superficial and tasteless as Aaron. Ben had shut away any rational thought when fighting with Jace. He did it to be free. Free to love Tim again. But why? Jace was everything he had always wanted. Why throw that away for a little excitement?
“What is it with us?” Ben asked. “Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re together. Is that what makes us attracted to each other? It’s like those studies where a woman meets a man on a swinging bridge over a crevice and finds him extremely attractive, but when she sees him in a safe environment she barely gives him a second glance. We like each other now, but what happens when the danger dies down, when our love is no longer forbidden or a secret? What’s left between us then?”
“A lot,” Tim said. “I promise.”
“How can I even trust you anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your paintings. Is there anything real about you? Do I even know you?”
“Don’t say that,” Tim pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know me.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to anymore.”
Tim let go of him. Ben slipped into his car and roared out of the parking lot.
* * * * *
He was done. Done with love, done with drama, done beating himself up for his own mistakes. He threw away the cell phone and the keys to Jace’s apartment. He would rather let Jace think he still believed he had been unfaithful than for him to know that the opposite was true. Allison, his forever friend, agreed to screen his calls. Tim called every day, and soon so did Jace with graduation looming.