The smell of Ivory soap on his hands, the tang of gunpowder in the air like the crack of fireworks on the Fourth of July. And always the deep sweetness of the apples everywhere as he shucked one shell and loaded another, taking aim where his father pointed. Wanting more than anything for his shots to fly true.
IT WAS FOUR hours before Drake came in the door with his father close behind. The hike down had taken them less time than the day before; they stopped fewer times as they moved down the slope with the blue sheet of the lake laid out before them. The wolf somewhere behind, groggy but awake, the GPS collar already sending its signal to a satellite far overhead.
With the door open, Drake let the air into the house. Crisp spring air smelling mineral as cracked rock, and the cool feel of the lake air spreading through the house. The windows all closed up and a note from Sheri telling Drake she’d gone in to cover a shift for one of the other girls.
Drake ran the water from the kitchen tap, watching the sun filter in through the windows. His father in Drake’s boyhood room and the packs left out on the living room floor with their boots. When the water was cool enough, Drake put a hand beneath the tap and cupped the water to his face. The grit coming off in muddy whorls that showed like tree knots in his palms.
He washed his hands and dried them by running his fingers up over his thin hair. All through the forest he’d thought about how he’d picked up his rifle that morning, ready to use it. But ready to use it for what? The wolf? His father? He didn’t know what he had been afraid of. He knew only that he had been.
He looked in on the living room. The rifle still there, still strapped to his pack as it had been all down the mountain. His father’s pack and boots not far off. His own boots tucked away by the door, the toes caked with forest mud, and the laces frayed from long use and many days away in those same hills his father was so familiar with.
There wasn’t a thing Drake could say about what he was feeling. No one he could talk to. What Driscoll had told him about Patrick, about Gary, it wasn’t right. None of it was, and Drake knew it would eat away at him until he knew the truth. He couldn’t go on like this, mistrusting his own father, feeling like every minute of every day he needed to know exactly where Patrick was.
Drake turned away from the packs and boots and went down the hallway. He stopped outside his old room and looked in through the open doorway. Patrick lay on the bed in his hiking clothes, his feet dangling off the side of the bed as if he didn’t want to sully the sheets.
Drake stepped inside and sat at the computer desk, looking across the room at his father. “I want to ask you something.”
“Go ahead then.” The same smile on his face that Drake couldn’t read. Crooked and then gone again before Drake got a feel for it.
“When I picked you up from prison you told me you wouldn’t cause me any trouble. You said you were done with that.” Drake took his time. He was trying to get the words right. He needed to know the answer, but first he needed to know how to ask the question. Something he’d wanted to ask his father ever since Driscoll had met him at the front of his driveway. “You meant what you said to me?”
Patrick stared mutely back at him from the bed. He raised a hand and rubbed his cheek, feeling the white scruff that had covered his face in the last day. “I don’t plan on being around here long,” Patrick said, “if that’s what you’re asking. I’d like to make my own way. I don’t need to depend on you and Sheri. This place hasn’t been mine for a long time now and I see you two have made a home here.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Drake said. He felt embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to make his father feel unwanted. “This is your house, too.”
“We both know that’s not true anymore.”
Drake looked around the room, if only to focus his thoughts. Sky-blue paint and the colors of sunset. “I meant to say you’re welcome here.”
“I just need a few days,” Patrick said; he was up now, sitting on the bed with his feet on the floor, moving his hands as he talked. “There’s outreach programs for people like me. If I stay in town I can chop logs, or I can maybe see if there’s some work with the Department of Forestry. I don’t know if they’d take me, but I’d be willing to give it a try.”
“That sounds fine,” Drake said. He tried to imagine who his father would have been if he hadn’t gone to Monroe, if he’d just stayed the sheriff of a little town in the North Cascades. The thought seeming foreign even to Drake. Patrick’s whole identity wrapped up in the fact that he’d smuggled drugs, that he was a crooked sheriff from a place no one had ever heard of until Patrick put them all on the map.
Drake went on trying to discern a future for his father as he looked at the man, sitting there on the bed. Worn out. Burned out. Busted up from a life that hadn’t been meant to be. There were programs for people like him. Support groups, ways for men like Patrick to make their own way in this world. Even with a history like his father’s.
“I never meant to say you weren’t welcome here,” Drake said. He knew he was backpedaling but he couldn’t help it. He got up from the computer chair and walked to the doorway, putting one hand on the frame.
“I’ll talk to some people,” Patrick said. His words hesitant, stumbling one after the other. Patrick just sitting there looking up at his son where he stood at the entrance to the room. Drake knowing he’d come in to talk to his father about one thing, but, in the end, forced the issue of another.
“That sounds fine, Dad.” Drake could feel himself shrink back inside as he watched his father. The man seemed oblivious to what Drake was hinting at. Desperate, too. The veneer of his words beginning to crack and Drake wishing he could make what he’d said disappear.
“We okay?” Patrick asked.
“Yes,” Drake said.
HIS FATHER WAS in the shower when Drake came back to the room. For a good minute he stood there in the doorway looking everything over. Forcing himself to see the crib and changing table, the bands of color on the walls and the pale stars fixed to the ceiling.
Down the hall he could hear the shower through the bathroom door. The water going and the sound of his father in there.
All the dreams Drake had had for the room. All they had filled it with. All that it was now.
He knew there were other times he could come to the room, when his father was out with Sheri, or away looking for work, but Drake couldn’t wait any longer. He didn’t want to believe what Agent Driscoll had told him. He needed to know whether his father was guilty or not. He needed to know for sure.
The changing table was opposite the bed. Patrick’s clothes kept in the drawers beneath. Drake went through this first, opening each drawer and going through them top to bottom. By the time he finished he was on his knees with every drawer open in front of him. He turned and looked around the room. Not sure what he was looking for, but knowing he had to look, that if he didn’t he would always wonder.
It was only when he came to the bed that he saw the cardboard box pushed in under the frame. The container of mementos barely visible from the darkness.
Drake got up and went to the bed. Sitting, he removed the box and pulled it out onto the floor. Twelve years of his father’s life in one container, wooden figurines made in the prison shop, the letters Drake’s grandfather, Morgan, had sent to Patrick. A few letters from Sheri, a couple worn paperbacks without their covers, and the manila folder Patrick had tried to show Drake on the drive up from Monroe.