As I walked down the hall I noticed it wasn’t as dark as I expected. One of the lamps in the living room must still be on, I figured. Which meant Robert was probably still awake. I breathed a sigh of relief. If he was still awake then maybe he could help take my mind off things. I turned the corner and saw Robert lying on the couch with a book propped open.
“You’re still awake,” I said, a little breathless. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and the sight of his bare chest completely took me off guard. The dim light grazed his skin, softening the hard lines of his body and showing a gentler, more vulnerable side to him.
“And so are you I see. Is everything alright?” he asked, sitting up and putting the book on the coffee table.
“Yeah, I umm… couldn’t sleep,” I said, tripping over my tongue. “I was going to make some tea, do you want some?”
I did my best to ignore the primal hunger rumbling inside me. Though my hands shook with the desire to feel his body close to mine, this wasn’t the time or place to be having a clandestine affair. Becky’s voice popped into my head, “Hello, there couldn’t be a better time for a frisky midnight romp!”
“Sure, let me help you,” Robert said, standing up and throwing on a cotton t-shirt. I pushed Becky out of my head and forced my feet to take me to the kitchen.
I searched through the darkness and pulled out the tea kettle Harriet had given me as a housewarming gift and filled it with enough water for two.
“Can I help you with anything?” Robert asked as I placed the kettle on the stove and lit the burner.
“I’m good. Making tea isn’t exactly rocket science,” I teased and turned to face him.
Robert leaned against the sink opposite from me, his hands on the counter for support. His shirt clung to him and did very little to hide his well-muscled body. I looked up at the window above his head and focused my attention on the half-crescent moon shining brightly in the sky. Unconsciously, I reached for the pendant around my neck and traced the curve of one of the moons. Soon there would be a new moon and night would fall into a quiet darkness.
“Violet, are you alright?” Robert finally said, breaking the silence.
“I’m fine,” I replied, trying to make the words sound as convincing to myself as to him.
“You’re not fine, you’ve barely said a word after talking to Bethany and now you can’t sleep.” A hard edge marred his voice and his eyes narrowed in apprehension.
“You weren’t sleeping either,” I pointed out. “Does that mean there’s something bothering you?”
“Don’t try and turn this around on me.” His voice turned pleading but his jaw maintained its hard edge. He wasn’t used to people not answering him.
“It’s just…” I paused and turned my back on him to remove two mugs from the cabinet behind me.
“Violet,” Robert said and put his hands on my shoulders. “Let me help you.” He turned me around to face him. The close proximity of his body to mine made my head spin.
Resting my head against his chest I tried to regain control. “You can't help me.”
“Won't you at least let me try?” He placed his hand under my chin and pulled my head up to look at him.
I searched his eyes. I could feel every emotion I’d ever felt in my life boil to the surface. Any other time when I felt overwhelmed I always had Becky to talk to. She was the one person I could trust, the one person who knew all the deep dark corners of my heart. I trusted Robert with my life, but letting him into my heart was something I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I didn’t even know if I could let anyone in anymore. I’d spent my whole life building walls to protect myself, but lately my walls had been taking a lot of hit’s and they looked more like Swiss cheese than a fortress.
“I don’t know, Robert,” I sighed and removed his hand from my face. “I just, I don’t know who I am anymore.” I kept my voice low, not wanting to really say the words aloud. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath.
He didn’t say anything, but patiently waited for me to continue.
“Everything I’ve learned since I was attacked…it’s just too much,” I said. “Nothing is what I thought it was; nothing in my life has been real.”
The kettle rattled on the stove.
“How am I supposed to deal with any of this?” My voice rose in utter frustration as I pushed away from Robert’s intoxicating touch.
Steam slowly rose from the kettle.
“I never asked for any of this!” I yelled and started pacing. “I don’t want to know anymore, I just want things to go back to how they were!”
The kettle screamed and shook.
I stomped over to the stove and turned off the burner. Slowly the screaming turned to a whisper and the jet of hot steam settled to a calm haze.
“I’m so sorry, Violet,” Robert said, his eyes on the floor.
“It’s not your fault,” I replied and exhaled heavily, feeling guilty for letting my emotions boil over. It wasn’t true that I wanted everything to go back to the way it was.
“Still, I’m very sorry. All of this is a lot to put on a person.”
I pulled two tea bags from the pantry along with a small bottle of whiskey and plucked a lemon from the refrigerator.
“It’s not that, it’s just…” I sighed, not knowing how to explain everything I was feeling. “I feel like I’m learning about someone else’s life.” I put the tea bags in the cups and poured the water over them. “And it’s not just because you came into my life with Magic. Even before I knew you, everything I thought was real, every memory, I just found out it was all a lie. I don’t know who I am anymore.” Pulling a knife from the block by the stove, I began to cut a wedge out of the lemon.
“You are who you are because of everything you’ve been through. That hasn’t changed,” Robert insisted.
“Yes it has. Everything I thought I went through, everything I thought I dealt with, it wasn’t real; it didn’t happen.”
“What do you mean?” Robert crossed his arms and propped himself against the stove.
I sighed and poured a dollop of whiskey into my glass and squeezed the lemon wedge into the steaming liquid. “Warm your cup?” I asked, holding up the bottle.
“Violet…” Robert gave me a disapproving frown.
“Don’t judge me. Do you want some or not?”
“Just a drop.”
Pouring a healthy amount into his cup I handed the mug to him.
“Thank you,” he said and took a sip. “Now, what do you mean none of it really happened?”
“My aunt. She told me… well, she showed me my memories. Memories of things I have no recollection of. I sipped my tea as well, tasting its warm bitterness. I felt the liquid making its way to my stomach, warming my chest and sending a wave of calmness through my body.
“You mean someone altered your memories?”
“Yeah, you know about that?” I raised my eyebrow, only half surprised.
“Of course I do. But it takes very powerful magic to alter someone’s mind.”
“She said the same thing.” I turned and walked into the living room.
I heard Robert’s footsteps on the carpet behind me but he didn’t say anything. Taking another sip of my tea I grabbed the blanket hanging off the back of the loveseat and made my way to the couch. Robert made his way around me and moved his makeshift bed out of the way for me to sit. Curling my legs underneath me I threw the blanket over my feet and rested my cup on my knee. I’d spent many nights curled up like this, a nightcap warming my fingers. Those moments were peaceful, almost serene and usually enhanced with a good book. But I found no comfort in that familiar spot, and suddenly tasted more bitter than sweet from the drink in my hand.