“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“We could have had this,” she said, as she broke into sobs and ran out of the bedroom.
I lay stunned in my bed. It took me a while to fully grasp what I had done. I’d had sex with Lisa Felton. I’d had unprotected sex with Lisa Felton. How stupid could I be, and on so many levels? It was just wrong, but I would do it again.
I was right. Sex changed things.
Saturday February 14
I WAS STILL BEATING myself up as I ran in the morning. I’ve always found a long run helps me think things through. The good news was I now knew how good Lisa was in bed. Sadly, that was also the bad news. Last night had been one of the best nights of sex I’d ever had. I hoped I had gotten her out of my system. Who was I kidding? I’d do her right now if she wanted. God, I loathed myself for being so weak.
I HADN’T REALIZED WE had a mental health facility over by State. I guess it made sense; it could be used for teaching purposes. It looked like an upscale nursing home from the outside.
When I went into the facility, I was directed to a common room. Tracy was seated with a number of other people. She saw me and smiled. In contrast to her smile, she had dark circles under her eyes. I was worried about her. She patted the couch and I sat next to her.
“David! I almost didn’t believe Dr. Hebert gave me permission to spend the day with you. Meow that you are here, I want you to meet my friends,” Tracy said.
Did she just say ‘meow’ or ‘now?’ I gave a little involuntary chuckle.
“What’s wrong with you? Are you making fun of me meow I’m officially mentally ill? I’ll have you know meow that I’m on medication, I feel better meow. Dr. Hebert said I should be cautious meow my treatment is starting to take hold so I don’t backslide. Meow I know you wouldn’t want that, meow would you?”
I burst out laughing. She was saying ‘meow!’
“All right meow, David, stop it! You’re awful, making fun of me. Meow I know your mother raised you better than that!”
“You stop! What’s with all the ‘meow’?” I asked.
Tracy and the other residents broke up laughing. It was obviously a joke they played on me.
“We saw the movie Super Troopers last night. In the movie, they played a game to see how many ‘meows’ they can get into a conversation. How did I do?” she asked.
“Ten,” one of them answered, which caused Tracy to high-five me.
“I beat Janice,” she explained.
She then had me meet everyone. It seemed everyone was in good spirits. I think it was because Tracy was in such a good mood. Tracy was determined to get out of this place. Today was the first day they’d given her a day pass. We went to the front desk to get her signed out and then we were soon in my Jeep.
“Where to?” I asked.
“I need things. Let’s go to my house,” she suggested.
I called Tom and let him know where we were going. I also called Pam and told her. I’d told them I would play it by ear. Dr. Hebert said if she stayed in a good mood it was okay for her to see a few people, but not to overwhelm her. She also warned me Tracy’s mood could change quickly. If it did, I would have to take her back. Tracy’s safety was the most important thing.
Tracy gave her dad a hug at the door. She then went to the kitchen where Mary was making lunch. Tom and I went to his office.
“How’s she doing today?” Tom asked.
“Good. They have a new game they’re playing at the facility, the Meow Game. Instead of saying ‘now,’ they say ‘meow.’ You and Mary will have to let her play it. You just act like you’re not hearing it. They get points for each ‘meow.’”
Tom just shook his head.
“I’ll keep Mary in the dark. I think it’ll be more fun if she figures it out for herself.”
“You may be right,” I said, then changed the subject. “She looks worn out. Is she getting any better?”
“I don’t know. I had no idea she was that bad. I feel like I’ve failed her in some way,” he confided.
“Tom, I know you’re not very religious, but have you thought about praying? I don’t talk much about my faith, but I find in times like this, it helps me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have found a little prayer is useful in situations like this. Don’t worry about what you can’t control. I believe you need to focus on what you can do. In this case, I think all we can do is let Tracy know we love her unconditionally and will be there whenever she needs us. This battle she’s facing is up to her. We must rely on Tracy, and Dr. Hebert, to get her well again. I’m afraid this may be a lifelong battle.”
“I hear what you’re saying, but I still worry we’re not doing enough,” Tom complained.
“Just ask her, Tom. Just ask Tracy if there’s anything you can do to help. If she says she doesn’t need anything, accept it. Make sure she knows the offer’s there. The wrong thing to do is to push yourself on her. She’ll let you know what she needs.”
“When did you learn all this?” he asked.
“My mom is a cancer survivor who now works with cancer patients. She and I talk a lot about what she does. If you won’t go to church, you might want to come over to our house for dinner. I know you know our family has some very honest discussions. It might do you and Mary some good to be able to talk about this over with my mom. I just warn you, she won’t pull any punches. Also, realize she doesn’t intend to hurt you, she’s just brutally honest.”
Tracy came and got me and took me up to her room. She wanted to put on some makeup before Pam came over for lunch.
“Your dad’s worried about you,” I started out.
“I know, but I don’t know what to tell him. It’s not like I can snap my fingers and make myself better. If I could, I would have a long time ago.”
“How about you tell him to love you and if you need his help you’ll tell him.”
“Do you think it would help?” she asked.
“I think so. He just needs to know you still love him.”
She looked at me in the mirror and smiled.
“Thanks.”
“You’re putting too much on,” I suggested.
She turned around to look at me. I don’t think she ever thought she would get makeup advice from a guy. I smiled at her.
“May I?”
“This I have to see. Go ahead, Macho Man.”
I got a cleaning towelette and wiped off her makeup. I then found face cream and put on a thin layer. I had learned to do this from Adrienne. I’d had my makeup done many times. This was the first time I had applied any myself. My goal was to make Tracy look like she didn’t have any makeup on. The focus was to cover the dark circles under her eyes, so I used a concealer. Then I applied a little eyeliner to define her eyes; I wanted the eye to be drawn to them. Next was a muted lipstick. When I was done, I turned her around to the mirror.
“You better not let word of your talent get out,” she teased me.
“I know. Who’d think I could do something like that? I already get enough shit about being a model.”
She kicked me out so she could change clothes. I went downstairs and saw Pam.
“Go on up. She’s changing,” I told her.
Pam went to Tracy’s room and I went to find Mary. She was about to make apple tarts. I was glad she waited and let me make them with her direction. I missed cooking with Mary. She gave me a hard time because my knife skills had slipped. One of the keys to cooking was to cut things the same size. This way everything cooked at the same rate. No one wanted undercooked or overcooked items in their dish.
When Tracy and Pam came downstairs, Tracy whispered that Pam said she looked great. Lunch was nice and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. After lunch, we went to the living room where we relaxed and had dessert. Pam kept her visit short and went home. This was all part of the script Dr. Hebert had written for us.