“Max!” 99 said, horrified. “That’s you!”
“What is me, 99?”
“That Dr. Maxwell Smart-the one who’s supposed to give the lecture on Space!”
Scowling, Max unfolded the sheet of paper again and looked at the schedule. “Yes,” he sighed, “that’s me, all right. I’d recognize that name anywhere.”
“Max, what are you going to do!”
“There’s only one thing to do, 99-give that lecture. If I don’t show up, the scientists may suspect that I’m not really a scientist. And, among those scientists who will suspect that I’m not really a scientist will be the diabolical Dr. X.”
“But, Max! You don’t know the first thing about Space. You said so yourself.”
“Don’t worry, 99. I’ll simply rely on Rule 17.”
“I don’t believe I remember that rule, Max.”
“Rule 17 reads: ‘Fake it!’ ”
At that moment, the waiter appeared with the food. “Roast turkey, scrambled; two four-minute lambs; and buttered toast and coffee curried,” he announced.
“Sorry, but we don’t have time to eat,” Max said, rising. “But I’m sure someone else will order the same thing-so the food won’t go to waste.” He motioned to 99 and Fang. “Let’s go-we’re due in the auditorium.”
They hurried from the dining room, raced down the deck, and darted into the auditorium just as the scientist who was conducting the meeting was opening the noon session.
“Gentlemen,” he said, addressing the large gathering of scientists, “I know this is a moment you have all waited for with growing anticipation. And so, without further delay, let us welcome our expert on Space, Dr. Maxwell Smart!”
A cheer went up. And Max, cool, calm and collected, took his place in front of the scientists.
“A funny thing happened to me on the way to the auditorium,” Max began.
There was genial laughter.
“I thought you would appreciate that,” Max smiled. “Now, for our subject for today-Space-The Way-Out Element.” He adjusted his tie. “As you gentlemen probably know, space is one of our most important elements. Without space, there would be nothing to put things in. Which, of course, would result in a great deal of overcrowding. Basically, I think, that explains what space is.
“The next question that comes to mind, of course, is ‘what are the various uses of space?’ And, the first thing we think of, naturally, is the use to which space is most commonly put. That is, to fill empty places-such as this auditorium-when all of the people have gone somewhere else.”
A half-dozen scientists rose and left.
“Which reminds me of a little poem that one of my fellow scientists once wrote on the subject of space,” Max went on. “As I remember it-and correct me if I’m wrong-it went: ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, great big space / There you are, all over the place. / Up above the world so high / And in between the apples and the crust in my apple pie.’ ”
A dozen-and-a-half scientists departed.
“But,” Max continued, “the thing about space that is probably of the most interest to us today is the fact that it is fire-proof-or, to be more truthful, fire-resistant. The records show that there was one instance in which space actually did catch on fire. But, just prior to that moment, it had fallen into a can of gasoline. So, that instance probably doesn’t count.”
Three dozen scientists made their way from the auditorium.
“In conclusion,” Max said, “I think it should be pointed out that there is always a danger in working with space. For instance, if you get too much of it into the laboratory, you will find that there is a great distance between you and your test tubes. All that running back and forth can be injurious to the health if you’re not used to it.”
Now, only one scientist was left.
“I think that just about covers all I know about space,” Max said. “Now… are there any questions?”
The one scientist raised his hand.
“I see a hand,” Max said. “Yes, sir?”
“Dr. Smart, I am Dr. Zee.”
“Yes, I thought I recognized you, Dr. Zee. We’ve met before, haven’t we? In your stateroom, I believe.”
“Dot is right. Dr. Smart, I have a qvestion.”
“Fire away, Doctor.”
“Dr. Smart, vot is your opinion of the Van Allen Belt?”
“I think the buckle is coming loose,” Max replied. “If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times-if Van Allen doesn’t get himself a pair of suspenders, he’s going to lose his pants.”
“I have anoder qvestion, Doctor.”
“Yes, Doctor?”
“Do you believe dere is life on Mars?”
“Well, I hope there is, Doctor. And, you know the old saying: Where there’s hope, there’s life.”
“One more qvestion, Doctor.”
“Let’er rip, Doctor.”
“Vot you doink in mine staderoom?”
“Sorry, Doctor. I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it could get me tossed into the brig.”
Dr. Zee bowed. “I tank you, Doctor.”
Max bowed in return. “Don’t mention it.”
Dr. Zee departed.
99 and Fang hurried to Max.
“You were marvelous, Max,” 99 said. “You were so far over those scientists’ heads, they slunk away in shame. How did you do it?”
“Rule 17,” Max smiled. “It never fails. I used it once when speaking on the subject of exotic mushrooms and cleared the hall in less than half the time it took me today.”
“The only one you didn’t fool, I think, was that Dr. Zee,” 99 said.
“Yes, and there’s a good reason for that, 99,” Max replied. “Unless I miss my guess, Dr. Zee is not really Dr. Zee.”
“You mean you think he’s-”
“Exactly. The diabolical Dr. X.”
“But, Max-we searched his stateroom. There was nothing to indicate that he was Dr. X.”
“Because we didn’t have the chance to search his stateroom thoroughly, 99. Remember? We were caught in the act.”
“I don’t know, Max. Why do you suspect Dr. Zee?”
“For the obvious reason that Dr. Zee suspects that I am not Dr. Smart.”
“You mean you suspect him because he suspects you?”
“Right. If he were really Dr. Zee, why would he suspect that I’m not really Dr. Smart? He’s suspicious, you see, because he suspects that he’s being sought.”
99 nodded. “I see, now. You’re suspicious of Dr. Zee because he’s suspicious of you, and he’s suspicious of you because you’re suspicious of him. That makes sense, Max. What do we do now?”
“Go back and have breakfast,” Max said.
“How will that help, Max?”
“It will fill the space in my tummy,” Max said. “And, it’s the only thing we can do right now. We can’t search Dr. Zee’s stateroom-because he’ll probably be in it.”
“When will we search his stateroom, Max?”
“Tonight. While Dr. Zee is at dinner, we’ll go over his stateroom with a fine-tooth comb.”
“All right, Max. But I still have my doubts about him being Dr. X.”
“I think someone is in for a big surprise,” Max smiled.
“Rorff!”
“Yes, yes, we’re going to breakfast,” Max said. “Come on.”
They left the auditorium, stepped out on deck, and headed for the dining room.
“I just hope that waiter hasn’t given away my scrambled turkey,” Max said.
That evening, at the dinner hour, Max, 99, and Fang entered the corridor that led to Dr. Zee’s stateroom.
“We’re taking an awful chance, Max,” 99 said. “You know what will happen if we get caught again.”
“There’s nothing to worry about,” Max replied. “I did a little scouting, and I’m happy to announce that that nosy steward is nowhere around.”
“I hope not, Max.”
“Ah… here’s the door. I’ll knock first-just to make sure Dr. Zee isn’t in there.”
Max knocked.
There was no response.
“All clear,” Max said.
“How do we get in this time, Max?” 99 said. “I don’t think it would be wise to use that explosive again.”