Do not twist things . We both know these are insubstantial figments, less than ghosts, and this but an exercise.
Our talents are not the sum of who we are. It is how we use them that defines us.
Bel grew angry. Why were they even having this conversation? Why had Losara not disappeared into him yet?
And you do not use yours as you could, he said, pausing instead to ponder every move . Ambivalent in the face of a single path, seeking ways to get lost in the brush.
There was a laugh then, but Bel was not sure if it came from him or Losara.
Yes , said Losara. I would not deny that your focus is mighty. Your sight narrows to your aim exclusively while the rest fades to unimportance. For a time I was worried that you are so directed …
…while you meander thoughtfully, reticent to take action.
Thinking about my options, Bel, about what course to take. That is the way of things when one is not a follower.
I am not a follower.
Self-denial …something new to me. All your life, you have done as others wished. Fahren –
It was never Fahren’s wish that I turn out a soldier.
– has been a guiding hand, steering you always, teaching you that the shadow is to be feared …
Just as you were taught by Battu, by Tyrellan, by Heron, to hate the light.
Naphur …
Whom I defied when I returned to the peacekeepers after Drel. Whom I wrested command from when we marched to conquer Fenvarrow.
That never happened, Bel. It was just a dream.
Maybe. Or maybe I could have won without resorting to any of this.
And in the end we both would have died. Is that what you want?
No.
Corlas …
Corlas never told me how to live.
Losara paused. I suppose he did not. Arkus …
Do not invoke Arkus when you have followed instructions from your own gods also …what of the pilgrimage you made?
As he said the words Bel experienced a rush of images, remembered travelling around Fenvarrow, taking in its beauty …but the sense of wonder disappeared quickly, not yet his emotion to possess.
You follow, Bel. How else can you pursue your end so vigorously and yet not even know what you fight for?
Around them, Crystalweb appeared.
Remember this place?
Of course. What does it have to do with anything?
Bel fell silent as he saw his past self walking along the raised path through white-barked trees. Following him were Jaya, Hiza, M’Meska, Fazel and Gellan, all of whom were taking in the surrounding sights with fascination. Rain broke across crystal leaves while the sun still shone, and refracted colours raced across branches and down thick trunks, into glimmering piles of broken shards that twinkled like dangerous treasure.
Look at your face.
Past-Bel seemed dour, annoyed.
You cannot understand what makes the rest of us marvel , said Losara . Even I, the disguised spy from Fenvarrow, am forced to take stock of a place such as this. Yet you feel nothing, do not appreciate what you fight for, cannot.
I don’t fight for weird trees and magical spiders, that’s for sure.
Nor for the architectural triumph of the Open Halls, or the golden sands of the Furoara …or a tiny fish in the Shallow Sea, or the towering Arkus Heights. Where does it begin with you?
If you enjoy my land so much, why do you resist joining me?
My own land is beautiful too.
What? Dankness and darkness?
Since you cannot admire your own, I hardly think you’re in a position to judge mine. Don’t you think we shadow folk like where we live?
Blades clashed again, and they were back in the battle, this time as it was happening at that very moment. A Mireform roared as swords fell upon him – Eldew was no longer his towering self, for he had taken much damage. An arrow sank into his beady white eye, but he blinked it out rapidly.
‘Hack it to pieces!’ called a troop leader. ‘Arrows do no good!’
Eldew cut gaps in the line of soldiers attacking him, but others filled them quickly, closing in from all sides. As his legs were slashed from under him, he collapsed to the ground to pool amorphously. He was overwhelmed, and tried to escape his muddy remains as a worm-like thing.
‘Get it!’ screamed the troop leader, and the forest of surrounding feet began to stomp. Eldew dodged once, twice, and then slithered under a heel that came down hard upon him.
What is in his mind’s eye? said Losara. His last thoughts as he departs this world?
Eldew stood at the edge of Swampwild as dawn broke, the shadows just beginning to soften. Green hills stood lump-like above the bog, netted together by willow and bridge, rotting slowly and ripe with the smell of wet wood. There were ten types of moss underfoot, twenty types of ferns, and all manner of things in the mud and water. How his home pulsated with life, an unfelt heartbeat, yet the air was still enough to hear a dewdrop falling into a pool twenty paces away …
What makes you think I care , said Bel, that your monsters romanticise some muck-hole? Do you expect me to be sympathetic to this one, who butchered a whole village for no good reason?
Losara sighed. You accuse me of thinking too much, but you do not think enough …and you call yourself a leader …
And so I am.
Then why, when you were offered the Throneship …
A meeting room in the Open Halls barracks where Bel, Gerent Brahl and Fahren sat at a table.
‘The people will surely rally to you,’ said Brahl. ‘I could not imagine a more natural figurehead.’
Bel nodded. ‘And when the time comes, I will gladly lead the charge. However, I was born to fight, not to rule.’
You said it yourself, Bel.
Do not use my own recollections against me. I was there, you know. Let us see how this continues.
‘You have heard Fahren speak of what I must accomplish,’ said Bel. ‘I have been charged by Arkus himself to retrieve the Stone of Evenings Mild. Thus, for a time at least, my path leads elsewhere.’
‘I agree,’ said Fahren. ‘A direct order from Arkus should not be ignored.’
There , said Bel, I obey my god. And if you’re somehow suggesting you would not do the same, why not cede that you have no loyalty and give in right now? As for how this relates to my supposed following , a strong sense of purpose means a strong sense of self. Do not seek to make me believe that knowing one’s place in the world is indicative of weakness.
You are skilled, it seems, at remembering things the way you want to. Do you not recall your other thoughts that day, considering the Throneship? The fact that you like being special, but not the burden it arrives with …how you rush towards your goals to get them over and done with …how the Throneship does not appeal because it would be a lasting responsibility …are those the marks of a true leader?
Bel did not like how comprehensively Losara was becoming privy to his past, even to thoughts he’d had at the time. He needed to turn this back on his counterpart’s head.