“No matter what,” Dick said. “That’s what it comes to. No matter what.”
“Oh, Dick, I know. I know it must seem to you I’m being highhanded.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” Dick said, “I didn’t mean you’re getting your way no matter what. I meant there’s a life no matter what. No matter what you or I think. I got to admit I’ve worried some. I’m still worried about how it’s going to work out if I tell May. If I tell the boys. If they forgive me or don’t forgive me. And I worry how I’ll feel having a kid who’s not in my life. You got pregnant. I got you pregnant. No matter how we say it, you’re pregnant. No matter whether you should have said what you were up to. You were up to something, weren’t you?”
Elsie said, “Yes. I wasn’t as cold-blooded as … I mean, in some ways it was an accident. I could make a case that in the heat of the moment I forgot I was off the pill. And that the next time it should have been okay. But in some way, yes. I knew it might happen. But I’m going to take care of it. That’s what I meant by ‘no matter what.’ I mean to handle it. I’m in a position to take care of—”
“Yeah,” Dick said. “You said that. You’ve got the money.”
“I don’t just mean money. Though I’ve thought a lot about my being a rich kid. Not so rich, but I know what you mean when you think ‘rich kid.’ I’ve made fun of myself too, I mean, I’ve asked myself how brave I’d be, how full of mystical life force I’d be, if I were completely broke. Is the life force another middle-class privilege? Suppose the answer is yes. Then I say, so what? But now, you tell me something. You don’t want me to get an abortion, do you?”
“No.”
Elsie sat up straight. “I’m glad about that. I … By the way, are you mad at me?”
“No. I have been. I’ll tell you what’s hard for me. The way I feel about the boys. I’ve been hard on them, I haven’t done everything just right, but I know what it’s been like being a father.”
“Yes, you’re a good father.”
“There’s the way I feel about the boys … and then there’s this. You can talk about your life force and your money, but all this … I don’t know what to call it. It doesn’t fit with anything I know.”
“I know. I know what you mean.” Elsie’s voice was soft. “I’ve done at least one thing I didn’t want to — I’ve disturbed the pattern of your good habits.”
“How do you mean that?”
Elsie said, “I mean the balance of your force field, your network. The way you care for your family, the way you get along with someone like Eddie, the way you are with Miss Perry. And, I suppose, the way you were angry about Sawtooth Point and the toy-boat people.” Elsie hunched her shoulders and crossed her arms as though she felt a chill. “I suppose what I mean is I haven’t been a good ecologist.”
Dick snorted. “What the hell does that mean? You’re the ecologist and I’m some endangered species? You’re the game warden of my, what-do-you-call-it, my habitat?”
“Don’t get mad,” Elsie said sharply. “You’re just as high and mighty as I am. And you’re meaner. You practically spit when you say ‘summer people,’ or ‘toy boat.’ At least I’m sympathetic to your getting on your high horse.” Elsie stopped herself, took a breath. “I admire what’s good about your life, for God’s sakes. I don’t look down, I admire just about everything I mentioned — you and your boys, you and how you work and your boat and going to sea. The time you took Miss Perry and the boys fishing, that whole afternoon was one of the reasons I …” Elsie stuck her hands up in the air and then held her head. She said, “That and the way you talked to me about being scared of sharks when I got stuck in that little boat.… I didn’t pick you out of a catalogue, for God’s sakes. I know you. I mean, in my own fucked-up, neurotic way, I fell for you.”
Dick was alarmed but satisfied to hear her say this. He still had Parker and Marie on his mind.
Elsie said, “What got more complicated — I mean I could have let that go by — maybe just gone back to having a little crush on you. But then I wanted to be friends too, and that kept me bumping into you. So here I am going to be a mother. It takes my breath away too, you know. So naturally I see it’s not easy for you. I can see how this last part isn’t your idea. I can see that my child and I — or at least this child — is going to make a claim on your thoughts. I’m to blame for that, for what it does to you, no matter how completely I take care of the child.” Elsie said this carefully, and even submissively, and then stopped. Dick didn’t see what she was submitting to.
She said, “I could go away. I mean I’m going away anyway, before it shows. But I could stay away. If you decide not to tell May, it might make it easier if I’m not around.”
Dick said, “If I do tell May, it’ll be hard on her if she has to keep running into my bastard.” Elsie winced. “If I don’t tell her, she’ll believe what everyone else believes. You went down to Boston and adopted a baby.”
Elsie looked surprised. Dick didn’t see why until she said, “What makes you think I’m going to Boston?”
She was too quick for him. He didn’t flinch. No sense in weaseling anyhow. And for some reason he didn’t mind letting her stick him on this one. It crossed his mind that they must be friends if he didn’t mind letting her take a swipe at him, if he trusted that, after she tore into him for a bit, she’d settle down, go on with him.
He told her she’d talked about Boston when she was talking to Mary Scanlon.
“Mary?” Elsie said.
“Mary didn’t tell me. I heard you talking to her. The night she came from her father’s funeral. I came back up—”
“Where were you?”
“I was walking back up your drive.”
“And you heard us.”
“That’s right.”
“So you just stood there listening in.”
“I did.”
“You sneaky son of a bitch!”
“What I heard sounded sneaky enough.”
That stopped her. Dick wished he hadn’t said it like that, but it stopped her.
When she spoke next, she was careful again. “I don’t know what you heard me tell Mary, but what I just told you is true. Do you want me to say it all over again? When we made love that first time, whatever I was thinking, it wasn’t cold-blooded.”
“No,” Dick said.
“Good.” Elsie cocked her head. “Of course maybe it would be easier for you to think it was all my plan. I just siphoned it out of you, you know, like someone stealing gas out of your gas tank. A sly little succubus stealing your seed. Maybe I’m an alien and I came down on a flying saucer and flew away with a specimen for our earthling exhibit. You like it better that way?”
Dick said, “Okay. I got the point.”
Elsie said, “Listen, earthling. You have been selected as a suitable type to release your earthling essence.” Elsie switched into a squeaky robot voice. “For this experiment I have assumed a receptacle-type earthling body. Beep. You are injector-type earthling? Beep. You will now begin process. Beep.”