And my friend and I will sit on the chairs on the sidewalk out front, even in the cold, and a bus will pass, and the bell on the door will jingle, and the guy will come out, wiping his hands on his pants, lighting a cigarette he pulls from a pale blue box, blowing white smoke into the sky.
And I imagine he’s looking at someone else.
And I remember my predestined life. The list of ingredients. And one is a man. And one is a child.
And one is a child.
And I imagine he’s looking only at me.
And I imagine the bell sound comes from a horse stopped in the snow at the edge of the woods.
SPECTATOR
; to say I watched him through the keyhole; to say I pressed my face to the door and watched; to say I had what one could call a crush; to say the crush was superficial; to say the crush was on the superficiaclass="underline" like his rib cage through his shirt, like the books he read and he was brilliant; to say I was not brilliant, though one day I would be; to say one day I would know my brilliance; to say one day the world would know my brilliance; and I would know that day my brilliance made no difference; and I would know that day no brilliance made a difference; but first I was mistaken; first I fell for his brilliance; first I fell for his rib cage through his shirt; to say first I was who I always was; to say I was always falling incredibly hard; to say I was always falling incredibly hard like women fall; to say I was used to feeling like women feel; to say I was used to being nothing other than a woman: which was a good thing, which was not a good thing; and my shrink would say how in the world was it good to fall incredibly hard; I didn’t always answer her; I was often pulling at threads at the edge of the chair; I was often staring into the plants and imagining a jungle; I was often tying my hair into knots and not untying the knots; to say I had my own things going on; to say I had my messed-up things I always had; to say I was in that chair for reasons I knew and for reasons I did not; so forgive me, he was my boyfriend’s friend; forgive me, he was crashing that night on our couch; forgive me, my boyfriend was out of town; and there’s not much to say about my boyfriend; just he was hands down the kindest person I had ever met; just he was hands down the kindest person anyone had ever met; just I had no desire to cheat on him; to say I had no desire to cheat on him again; which is not to say I had no desire; to say we had sat all night on the couch; to say there were important reasons to sit on the couch; to say he had bought important books that day; to say I didn’t yet know these important books; and so he was reading to me from one of the books; and so at first I wasn’t listening; and so at first I was only looking around the room; and so I will tell you the color of his shirt: black; and I will tell you the color of the couch: red; forgive me for falling for colors; forgive me for falling for someone else’s interpretation of colors; to say I was easily seduced; to say I was what one called messed up; to say I was a total fucking mess; to say I was lying back on the couch; and then my legs were over his; and then my eyes were slowly closing; and when I laughed at something, he stopped reading; and when he said, I love your teeth, I laughed again; this is not exactly what happened; to say perhaps I’m making this part up; to say he did not stop reading and say he loved my teeth; to say he did stop reading, but he did not say he loved my teeth; to say he did stop reading, but he said my teeth were crooked; which is to say, at the very least, he was looking at my mouth; which is to say something about love how back then I understood love; and so I opened my eyes; and so I saw him looking at me too hard; and he was not looking at my mouth; to say it was here that I felt a surge; to say it was here that everything shifted; to say it was here that I kicked him in his rib cage; and I was only joking when I kicked him; and he held up the book like a shield; and he was only joking when he held up the book; and my shrink would ask what I meant by
shifted; and she would ask what I meant by surge; and she would ask why I kicked him in his rib cage; and she would ask what happened way back when; she was always asking what happened way back when; I didn’t care about way back when; I didn’t care about the mystery that was way back; and I would pull at the threads at the edge of the chair; I would tie my hair into knots; I would imagine diving into the jungle at the roots of the plants where I would start a whole new world; I imagined wearing leaves in that world; I imagined tying my hair up in twigs; I imagined I was gigantic; and he was less gigantic; and by he I mean every he who ever cast a shadow over me; my shrink did not need to know about the jungle; she did not need to know about the various hes who cast their shadows; my way back when was just clichéd; my way back when was the way back whens of other women in the world; to say there were lines in rooms, and lines were crossed; to say there were rules in rooms, and rules were broken; to say fill in the blanks for yourself; to say fill in the blanks with any words you choose; to say choose the words that happened in your way back; imagine yourself on the couch; imagine he’s reading a story to you; imagine the heat of his legs on yours; I can’t imagine you would behave as well as I did; I can’t imagine you would go to the bedroom, shut the door, lie on the bed, like I did; but the night was over before it should have been over; the night was over, and I thought I would just go to sleep; the night was dead, and I thought I would dream dreams I would forget in the morning; and I whispered something superficial into my pillow; and I whispered something superficial into my arm; and I whispered something desperate into the universe; to say there are no good answers for what one does with desire; to say there is only this constant struggle; to say there is only this constant tugging; to say I wanted to walk back into the room; to say I wanted to go through his suitcase while he slept; to say I wanted to pull something from it; to say I wanted to pull out a shirt and keep it; I would have tried it on over mine; I would have tried it on under mine; this is not about perversion; to say I know what a perversion is; to say it was just a superficial crush; and my boyfriend was hands down fucking perfect; and at some point later that week he came back from out of town; and we were sitting on the couch; and we were looking into each other’s bored-as-shit eyes; and I said, Listen, to my boyfriend, and he listened; and I said something funny to my boyfriend, and he laughed; and I said, I could use a drink, and he got me a drink; and he said, I love you; etc.; and he said, I mean it; etc.; and I said something I’m sure I regretted; to say I’m sure I deserved to be punished; to say I’m sure I deserved to be crushed; and I wanted to be punished in the worst way; I wanted to be crushed beneath a hand; my God; I remember a detail from the story he read; to say I remember just one detaiclass="underline" a hot-air balloon, the people in it going higher and higher, the people in it going way too high; and I should say he gave me the book to keep; or I should say I took it from his suitcase; and I should say I was looking for a shirt; or I was looking for a sock; or I was looking for his underwear; and I would have shoved them into my own; and I would have slept all night like that; and I would have dreamed all night like that; and I would have gotten off like that; and this is not some kind of perversion; this is only love how back then I did love; to say one way or another I have the book; to say I could look for it now on a shelf; to say I could open the book, quote you a line; to say I am very good at seduction; to say I could find a way to keep you awake all night; and I could have kept him awake all night; but on that night I did not: unlike the night I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend, unlike the night I cheated on my boyfriend with his friend, unlike all the nights way back when when everything was just a spark and just a spark; fucking memory; and my shrink would ask why I behaved so well that night; I said I didn’t know why; and she said to think; and I said I would think; but I didn’t have to think; it was something about the hot-air balloon; and she did not need to know I felt I was in one as he read; she did not need to know I felt twisted loose and shot into space; and I laughed as I was floating away; and when I laughed, he said my teeth were crooked; and I opened my eyes and was looking at his; and of course I felt a surge; and of course it was wrong to feel it; and of course the phone rang right then; and the phone just kept on ringing; and so I shifted my focus to the phone; fucking spark; I didn’t mean to crush it; to say I didn’t mean to crush him; to say I didn’t want to answer the phone; but there was my boyfriend on the line; and there I was with nothing to say; and there he was with nothing: It’s late here, It’s late here too, What are you doing, Going to sleep, What are you doing, Going to sleep, etc., etc.; and I hung up the phone, and where were we; he had been reading me a story; and he was still holding the book; and he would open the book again; and he would look back at the page; and I thought he would read to me again; but instead he would define a word he thought I didn’t know; because he wanted to crush me back; because he did not know I was brilliant; because I did not know I was brilliant; but I knew the word; I knew all the words; I said I knew the word, and he wasn’t listening; and when I defined the word, he wasn’t listening; and when he defined the word, I wasn’t listening; and when he said something else, I still wasn’t listening; and it was then I kicked him in his rib cage; and I actually wasn’t joking when I kicked him; and he stood and cast his shadow over me; and I stood in the shadow he cast; and the night still could have gone either way; to say I still could have kept him awake; to say it was then that I started thinking of seduction; no, it was years before that I started thinking of seduction; no, it was at the exact moment of my own conception that I started thinking of seduction; no, it was at the exact moment of my own conception that I was completely seductive; so forgive me for being how I was; forgive me for my performance of female; forgive me for my messed-up desire; I was just a girl and lines were crossed; I was just a girl, and rules were broken; I was just a girl and blank happened once; and blank happened twice; and blank was said; and blank was felt; and blank would be dealt with eventually; and then I would know my brilliance; and the world would know my brilliance; and I would know that brilliance made no difference; because the world was filled with nothing but; because the world was filled with nothing, but; first I was mistaken; first I was lying on my bed; and the phone rang again and I didn’t answer; and I turned off the light and thought of sleep; and it was then I saw the keyhole lit up like some kind of too-bright star; and fucking universe; fucking desire; I was falling, again, incredibly hard; and I thought of what you would think of me; and I thought of what you would say to me; and I thought of what you would say of me; and there was the moon scattered across the bedroom; and it was only me and the scattered moon; and it was, hands down, the biggest cliché; it was the biggest perversion, hands down; so punish me for getting out of bed; punish me for walking to the door; punish me for getting on my knees; punish me for pressing my eye to the keyhole; and punish me for what I saw; and for what I did; and for what I did not; and for all that happened way back when; which was nothing; which was something; like I even fucking know;