All or nothing.
**
It was past ten p.m. by the time I parked down the street from Beat.
Lingering on the footpath, I could see the dim glow from a light someplace inside the studio. She was there. She had to be.
It harkened back to a time before Ren and I got together. She’d train in the dead of night, and I’d come and join in as an excuse to get closer to her. After spending the night dishing out pain at The Underground, she was the thing that kept me on my feet…even if she didn’t realize it.
Leaning against the wall of the building next door, I remembered all those times I stood out here wondering if I should go in or not. Back then, I just wanted to spend time with her because it was uncomplicated and felt real fuckin’ good. She got me on a level no one else seemed to, which was what I struggled with the most. She was the only one who could see me for who I thought I really was, but even she couldn’t see the depths of the darkness that lived inside me waiting to surface.
If I showed her the last piece of the puzzle, would she come back to me or cut me loose entirely? Or would she see our story as one big lie with too many secrets to ever be able to move on from?
Taking a deep breath, I pushed off the wall and stood at the door, fingering the keys in my pocket. Glancing through the window, I could see the back row of lights on, and my heart leaped as my gaze fell onto her.
Ren was standing in a pool of light, her athletic form as beautiful as always. At the mere sight of her, my body began to respond like an animal, my cock twitched and my hands ached to touch her. My palms over her breasts, my tongue against her clit, my fingers inside her…her nakedness against mine.
I raised my hand to push the key into the lock, but at the last second, I paused, movement drawing my attention further into the studio.
A man appeared out of the shadows, some lanky blond asshole that I instantly recognized as Caleb Carmichael, the dopey boxer she’d been going on about. They spoke heatedly for a moment, and then he moved in. I could see it coming before he even made contact, but I didn’t want to believe it.
I watched as he kissed her and everything I had left was shattered.
Turning with a scowl, I hightailed it out of there before I did something I’d regret.
Sixteen
Ren
I intended to go to Josie’s for a couple of days and think.
That was until Caleb had kissed me. It had only reinforced everything I felt for Ash and then some. Everything that he and I were…shit. I had to fight for it. How couldn’t I? Letting this thing go so easily was an injustice as far as I was concerned. I was a fighter, and now I had to do what I did best.
I spent the day driving around Melbourne, trying to think of the best course of action. Turning up at Pulse during the daylight hours would only cause a scene the business couldn’t afford. There were a lot of people out there who were just waiting for Ash to fail so they could pick his carcass clean like vultures. Walking in there now would only serve to put a nail in his coffin. Our coffin.
I waited until the sun had set and the lights of Melbourne lit up the sky before I ventured home to Pulse.
The building was in darkness when I parked out the back, and I was relieved to see Ash’s car in his usual spot next to mine, but inside, everything was silent and empty. Entering in the alarm code and locking the back door, I went upstairs and stepped into the apartment.
It was just as dark as the gym downstairs, and I wondered if he was here at all. The air felt different somehow, like I wasn’t welcome in the home he’d built for me. There was a coldness that hadn’t been present before, and I found myself wrapping my arms around my body for warmth.
Dropping my keys and phone onto the side table, I ventured further inside. That’s when my gaze fell onto the broken glass on the floor. It glittered in the murky light as my heart sank. Oh, Ash…
There was a hole in the wall where our photo used to hang, and I stared at it, my heart shattering even further. Everything was so screwed up. I’d had enough pain to last a couple of lifetime, and Ash was no different. To think that something was screwing with us now had a tear rolling down my cheek. Attempted murder had been more than enough. More than any person ever deserved to go through.
Moving further into the dark apartment, I found the light switch in the kitchen and flipped it on. The room was illuminated, and I jumped in surprise as Ash’s form was revealed on the couch. He’d been sitting there in total darkness watching my every move, but now his back was to me. How hadn’t I felt his gaze? I was always aware of his presence no matter the situation, and it only made the distance between us open further. He was slipping away.
“Ash?” I asked softly.
He didn’t move or make a sound, so I edged closer and rounded the couch. His expression was tight, wound with restrained fury I knew was capable of sweeping us both away and obliterating everything in its path.
“Why are you sitting here in the dark?” I asked softly, my skin prickling.
He lowered his head, his gaze falling downward.
“What’s going on?” I asked, fully expecting to have to work him hard to get whatever was in his head to the surface.
“I should be asking you that,” he retorted, his lip curling.
I shook my head in confusion. “Ash, we argued—”
“You left.”
You left, and you weren’t coming back.
“I know I said some things…” I swallowed hard. “But I was upset. I needed some time to cool off.”
He ran his hands over his face, and I saw the dark circles under his eyes. Had he even slept last night? He looked totally strung out.
After what felt like an eternity, he rose from the couch and fixed his gaze onto mine. “I always thought it’d be me that hurt us,” he said, shaking his head.
My brow furrowed in confusion.
“I saw you,” he spat.
“What?” I asked breathlessly.
“Don’t you look at me like that, Ren,” he said, his expression full of pain. “I saw you kiss him.”
The life began to bleed from my limbs at the realization that he’d come to Beat last night to see me—the exact same moment that Caleb tried it on.
“Then you didn’t see the moment where I pushed him away,” I exclaimed. Images of my first few months at Beat flashed into my mind, and I realized that he’d said those exact same words to me once before. I thought he’d been fucking my half-sister, Monica, while he was playing me. I’d seen them in the change rooms all cozy, but I hadn’t seen the part where he’d pushed her away in exactly the same circumstance. How the tables had turned.
Turning, Ash shook his head. He strode over to the side table by the front door and jerked open the drawer, taking something out.
“Ash,” I pleaded, following him. “There’s never going to be anyone but you. I can’t love anyone but you, but you have to tell me what’s going on.”
Glancing up, his gaze met mine. “Like you told me about him?” He turned to face me. “How long has he been sniffing around, Ren?”
I sucked in a sharp breath. I’d kept the knowledge of Caleb’s unwanted advances from Ash, and now I was ruining this as much as he was. I was a hypocrite. A big fucking hypocrite.
Holding up his palm, Ash stared down, drawing my gaze to the little black box he held with disdain. Josie was right. I felt like throwing up.
“Ash—”
He threw the little box, and it hit the wall behind me, dropping to the floor with a thud.
“Are you fuckin’ happy?” he roared. “I was going to give you everything!”
“Ash…” I swallowed hard, my throat feeling tight. Tears began to fall freely down my cheeks, and I furiously brushed them away.
My plea fell on deaf ears as he stepped around me. When the front door slammed, I flinched, wrapping my arms around my middle.