“What’s your point?” I asked, my head still throbbing like a motherfucker.
“You said that we had to know our limits. That we had to know when to cut loose and when to fight. Most importantly, how to control it.”
I straightened up. Ryan knew. He had to.
“I know a guy,” he said with a shrug, confirming everything. “Just me.”
I ran my hand over my face. “Fuck.”
“You lost your way for a sec,” Ryan said with a shrug. “You’re human, not God.”
He didn’t seem put off in the slightest that I went out last night and almost beat a man to death. That was messed up.
Since we were laying everything on the line, I joined the party. “I really fucked up. With Ren. With Steel. With you guys.”
Ryan pushed off from the wall and said, “You helped me fix my mistakes before I even made them.” He gave me the once over and wrinkled his nose. “Have a shower, Coach. You stink like shit.”
How a twenty-one-year-old kid was wiser than me, I’d never fuckin’ know.
Turning, he opened the front door. “I’ll tell the guys you’re up here chucking your guts up,” he threw back over his shoulder. “See you tomorrow.”
Pressing my fist against my heart, I vaguely remembered Ren saying something last night about not forgetting. Not forgetting what?
Glancing down at my chest, I read the word I’d had tattooed right over my ticker and grimaced. Rebirth.
I had to be a man and fix this. I had to fix everything.
Twenty
Ash
Standing outside of St Vincent’s Hospital, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket, my bank account feeling significantly lighter.
It took some convincing, but when I went back to The Underground to get my car, I wormed my way in and cleared out Steel’s locker. Going through his wallet, I found his ID, learned his real name and called every hospital in the city looking for him.
Josh “Steel” Caplin had been admitted to St Vincent’s Hospital as a John Doe after he was dumped on the footpath out the front of the emergency department. That was the kindness of the people I used to call friends, but what did I expect from a highly illegal fighting operation? We all knew the rules. Josh Caplin knew the rules, but I’d taken it way too far.
I’d just paid for all of his medical expenses and had left my details on file with a pretty redheaded nurse for when the next round came in. He’d made it through, but there was still a long way to go. Destruction only took a split second, but rebuilding took an age.
Now I stood out on the footpath, the emergency department at my back, with the biggest battle yet to come.
She could be at one of two places, and I hoped it was the one I was thinking of. After what she’d done for me last night… I hoped I’d find her there.
I got into my car and drove through the streets of Melbourne, along Nicholson Street through Carlton, crawling with the early evening traffic. I got stuck behind a tram packed with commuters, waiting until they got off at the stop at a set of traffic lights. I fretted until the red switched to green before passing, trying to think of all the things I needed to explain to Ren. I drove and drove until I reached Brunswick Road, my hands tight around the steering wheel.
Her car was parked on the street in front of the little cottage, a light from within illuminating the frosted glass set into the door. She was here.
Pulling into a free spot down the street, I locked my car and made my way up the front path. Standing on the porch, I knocked on the front door of Josie’s house and waited.
There were footsteps inside, and my heart sped up. Boom, boom, boom echoing in my ears so loud it was the only thing I could hear other than her approach.
Then the door opened, and she was there.
Bright, shining, beautiful and fierce like electric sparks in my heart.
My Spitfire.
“Ash?” She blinked hard, her eyes looking dark and heavy like she’d been crying and crying without end.
“You look surprised,” I said, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket, feeling pretty rotten that this was all because of me.
Standing back, she opened the door wide and waited for me to step inside.
I hesitated. “Ren, I—”
“Come in,” she interrupted. “Please.”
I hadn’t been to Josie’s house before. I mean, I’d dropped Ren off a couple of times, but I’d never seen the inside. It was really nice. All hardwood floors and modern fittings, which was a stark contrast to the heritage facade.
Ren led me into the lounge room.
I sat on the edge of the couch and stiffened when she positioned herself right next to me, her leg squashed against mine. I blinked hard, trying to gather my thoughts. She always did this to me—her presence, her touch. She was everything and everywhere. I needed to keep my head if I had any hope of explaining my screwed up thought process to her.
“I missed you this morning,” I said when it was clear she was waiting for me to start.
“I did what I could,” she said after a moment. “I brought you back and took you home. Pushing you further…” She sighed. “You had to come here on your own. Making you would’ve been wrong.”
She was right. I had to want to tell her about the things that troubled me. That was the only way we could work.
“I would’ve come earlier. It’s just…” I sighed. “I went to the hospital.”
Ren tensed but didn’t push for answers.
“He’s gunna be okay,” I went on. “I took care of everything.”
She blew out a long breath, her shoulders sagging. “Good,” she murmured. “Good.”
I tensed as her hand found its way onto my thigh.
“Do you want a drink?” she asked awkwardly.
I shook my head. “I’m okay.” I wasn’t okay.
“I didn’t want him to kiss me,” she blurted, her eyes full of pain. “He just—”
“I know.”
“You do?”
I nodded. “You never would’ve come to find me at The Underground if you did.” Her hand rubbed up and down my thigh, soothing. “Going back there must’ve been hard for you.”
“Yeah,” she murmured. Glancing at me, her brow furrowed. “What changed? You went somewhere, and you weren’t the same afterward.”
Bowing my head, I closed my eyes and saw the look on my father’s face and my mother’s submission. I shook my head like it would get rid of their bitterness.
“I got it into my head that I had to go see my parents,” I said.
Her mouth fell open, and her eyes began to sparkle with tears. “Oh, Ash…”
“You can imagine the reception I got.” I ran my hands over my face. I had to keep going. All or nothing.
“You know that they abandoned me and Violet after…you know,” I went on. “That was bad enough. Anger…well, it’s always run in the family. My dad, he’s like this, too.”
“No,” Ren said fiercely. “He’s not like you at all.”
“He never hit us for kicks or anything. I only copped it when I deserved it.”
“The hell—”
“Ren. I was out of control then. I was a bad kid through and through. I probably deserved a good beating for the shit I put them through—”
“But you didn’t deserve it!”
I shrugged. “Him hitting me only made the monster grow. Your dad… Your dad turned everything around, but it was already too late.”
She buried herself against me, her hand tightening on my thigh.
“When you said you didn’t want to marry me, I planned on asking you anyway, but I had to see them first. I had to make sure that I wasn’t like him because if I was… I knew I’d hurt you sooner or later.” I took a deep breath, my throat feeling tight. “He stood there and saw the man I was, and I still disgusted him. He told me I was a fuck up, that I was a monster. That I’d never be any different.”