“That wasn’t how it happened,” Gabriel cried, looking up at her. “I didn’t kill him! He left us. He walked out on us and never came back!”
“You murdered him and you know it. Stop hiding from yourself and face what
you’ve done!”
Looking down at his hands, Gabriel’s eyes widened at the sight of hot blood—his father’s blood—coating his arms up to the elbows like gory sleeves. What was she doing to him!
“You know it to be true.”
And he did know it to be true. He knew that the things she was showing him were the true way that events had unfolded that night. He’d been so shocked by what he’d done that he’d convinced himself that his father had simply left. After a while he’d begun to believe it, his mind creating memories to hide the real ones so he wouldn’t have to face what he’d done, what he was and had always been since the day he was born. He was a murderer, no better than the scum he’s represented in court, feeling so superior to.
“I-I killed him.”
“Yes. And your mother has been frightened of you since that day. Hasn’t she?”
“She couldn’t deal with it, and they put her in a mental hospital, and sent me to foster care.”
“You killed your father, and you drove your mother insane.”
“I saved her life!”
“Repent of your sins,” the Apostle commanded. “Kill yourself. It is the only way to make things right again.”
A shudder ran through Gabriel, and his eyes moved from his pistol in one hand to his knife in the other. Her words were so strong, so powerful. Her voice rang through his head like a bell. He couldn’t conceive of doing anything but obeying.
The voice of Gabriel’s father taunted him, joining the continuing echo of the
Apostle’s commands. His disembodied voice demanded Gabriel’s life for the sins that he’d committed, shouting at him with feverish intensity.
The hand with the pistol twitched toward his head, but stopped.
It was Sam’s voice, Sam’s face in his mind, that stayed his hand. He could hear her talking to him. He could feel her near him. He remembered what she’d told him about killing to protect yourself.
I realized something very important. I deserve to live too. Because someone’s bigger and stronger than me doesn’t mean he has the right to hurt me, rape me, kill me. I have to the right to defend and live my life. I deserve to be happy and safe, and no one else has the right to take that from me. If God, or the Father Sun and Celestial Mother, or whoever else is waiting for me at the end, has a problem with that, they can go to hell.
Sometimes you meet bad people, and they won’t stop trying to hurt you until they’re dead. In my opinion, if that happens, the sin is on them, not me. Defending yourself and those you care about is not a bad thing, even if you have to kill to do it.
When you don’t have anything to lose, you’ve got everything to gain. Kari’s voice, replacing Sam’s in his head. What if you are a hero, and you just didn’t realize it.
Most don’t, you know. Sometimes you just have to trust in yourself and put one foot in front of the other.
It was like a single ray of sunshine penetrating through the angry storm that was clouding his mind to shine upon Gabriel. Though small and seemingly insignificant compared to the storm, it bathed him in warmth and light.
Remember, you promised to come back safe and sound. You promised. I’ll be waiting for you.
“Sam,” Gabriel wheezed, and the spell was broken. He felt like a puppet whose strings had just been cut. He started to drop to his knees before he caught himself and straightened.
His eyes moved to the gun in his hand, halfway raised to his own head. What had he been about to do? The Apostle shattered the false memories he’d constructed to hide the horrors of what he’d done as a child to protect himself and his mother from the monster that terrorized them so often, and she’d somehow used his anguish and confusion to control him. How was she doing it? It was as if she’d been making him dance on strings woven of his own horror and despair. He could feel her in his mind, and with a mighty mental effort, Gabriel threw off the Apostle’s control. He cut all of the evil little strings she’d attached to his heart, eyes narrowing on her in anger.
“What the hell are you doing to me,” he growled, raising his pistol to point at her.
“Stay back and keep your Jedi mind tricks to yourself. I will complete my mission here.”
“You can’t do it,” the Apostle said as Gabriel turned away from her, finger
reaching toward the E key on the keyboard. “You’re too selfish, arrogant and self-centered for that. A sociopath like you believes that the greatest crime in the universe is depriving it of yourself. Pressing that button would mean depriving everyone else of the most truly marvelous lawyer that has ever lived.”
Shaking his head, Gabriel straightened. Now that he knew how she was affecting him, it was easy to ignore. He knew what he was. He knew all of the horrible things he’d done to earn himself a place in hell. He knew he was a sinner, and he accepted that fact. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, seeing himself as he truly was, and accepting it. In doing so he gave the Apostle, and his past sins, no power over him.
Looking over his shoulder, Gabriel stared deeply into her eyes.
“You’re right. I’m scum. I was a selfish, murdering bastard, never caring who I hurt, or what lies I told to get what I wanted. But there’s one thing you don’t seem to realize. People change. It’s what life is all about. You learn and grow, and become more than what you are. If there is darkness in us, we can overcome it. We can change.
I’m not that man anymore. I will overcome my past, and I will change.”
“You’ll never change. You can lie to yourself all you want, but it will never bring absolution. You’ll never be anything but the lying murderer that you are now!”
“Perhaps I need to perform one final act of sacrifice to show how truly and deeply sorry I am for the things that I’ve done. There’s only one way to find out. You’ve got about thirty seconds to kiss your own ass goodbye.”
*****
Gabriel turned back to the keyboard.
“You don’t have what it takes,” the Apostle screamed. Flinching, Gabriel put weight on his injured leg and dropped to his knee with a surprised yelp. Stretching for the keyboard with the extended reach of his knife, he fought to get back to his feet so he could reach the button that would end everything.
Seeming to grab her by the throat in a stranglehold, Cain threw the Apostle at Gabriel. Screaming defiance as her sword arm raised of its own accord to cut him down, she hurled at him with all the speed her ailing body could manage.
Pulling himself up, Gabriel turned and parried her blade with his knife at the last possible second. The Apostle’s momentum hit him and her blade slid down his to the hilt. Grinding against each other, the two blades spat sparks. With a snap the Apostle’s blade sheared through the crossguard on his knife. She angled the blade to take his hand off at the wrist, but it struck a gold wristwatch and was deflected, severing the last two fingers of his left hand instead.
Cursing, Gabriel dropped his knife as his severed fingers fell away, and the watch shattered, the pieces clanking and clattering against the metal grating at their feet.