“We’re going to move, now,” said Maris. “Circling to the right.” NO, she thought, but she didn’t move her shoulder. Pride left her that much dignity. She heard Maris cluck; the horse moved under her and she sagged sideways. Brun’s firm hands propped her up. She could feel her legs flopping uselessly against the saddle; only the hands of her helpers kept her on the horse.
But she was sitting up, facing forward. Gradually, the saddle beneath her took on a familiar rhythm; she could feel the horse’s stride as its barrel bunched and lengthened, swung slightly from side to side. Maris began to talk, again explaining what the horse was doing to enforce movements Cecelia’s body must learn to make. Cecelia decided not to listen. Her back began to feel the horse the way it used to; she had no attention left for someone’s words.
“Good,” Brun murmured. “You’re doing better.” It didn’t feel like balancing better; her spine felt as solid as her luncheon custard. But somewhere between lurches from side to side, she felt for a moment that it was right again. Somewhere in each stride, she was riding.
“Think of halting,” Maris said. Cecelia tried to let herself sink into the saddle the way she would have, and felt herself slump forward as the horse halted. The helper’s hands caught her. “Good for you!” Maris said. “You halted her yourself. Now—think forward.”
Cecelia waited a moment, recovering what balance she could from the halt, and tried to remember how. She felt her spine lengthen, the pressure in her seat bones, a rising tension between her and the horse. Then the horse lunged forward into a trot, and for one instant Cecelia’s body responded, moving with the beat, just as Maris said “Whoa!” The horse slowed, but already Cecelia was off-balance, sliding gracelessly off the outside into Driw’s arms. Both of them fell.
“Are you hurt?” Brun sounded terrified. Cecelia quickly signalled no. She wasn’t hurt at all. She was exultant. She had stopped a horse. She had compelled it forward. Without the use of her arms or legs, blind, unable to speak, she had nonetheless controlled a horse again.
“That’ll be enough for today,” Maris said, closer. Cecelia jerked her shoulder, no. “We’ll have to check for damage. I was afraid of this—”
“She said no,” Carly said. “She’s not upset by a soft fall like that.”
“But she’s over eighty! And she shouldn’t have been able to get this horse to trot. I’ll have to switch to another—”
“Cecelia.” That was Carly, grasping her hands now. “Cecelia, you did it! You stopped her; you got her into a trot. Are you happy about it?”
Yes! Of course she was happy about it. She tried to remember their other signals; right now she was too excited to think. “More”—that’s what she wanted to say. Was she supposed to jerk her right knee, or her left? “Muhhh,” she heard herself say softly. “Muhhh . . .” and then the shoulder jerk for yes.
“More, yes? You want to ride more?”
YES! Why hadn’t she established a signal for “Dammit, you idiot!” Why hadn’t she established a signal for “reins?” She flexed her fingers in Carly’s, then pulled slightly.
“She wants to hold the reins, don’t you, Lady Cecelia?” That was Brun, bless her, who knew more about riding than Carly.
“Maris, I think she needs to try again.”
“All right.” Maris was resigned, not hostile.
It was going to work. She knew it. This time Cecelia ignored the need for helpers, ignored the internal voice that told her how ridiculous she must look. The saddle felt familiar this time. The nubbly surface of the reins against her fingers felt better than fine silver or silk. By the end of that session she had halted the horse three more times, and started her into a walk, all with no surprises. She felt as if she had regained herself.
Steadily, both her riding and her other therapies made progress. She could grip the special table tools (she did not consider them flatware) and get most solid foods into her mouth. With someone to remind her where they were on the tray, she could choose for herself whether to follow a bite of ham with a bite of toast, or eat all the fruit first. She could sit in a regular chair, if it had a straight back, and with leg braces on could stand supported, leaning against a chest support, to use a keyboard or scrawl with a crayon. She could push the buttons to control her hoverchair; she could, at last, use a keyboard. Bit by bit, her voice came back, though most words defeated her; she began to spell things out, as she did on the keyboard.
Now, for the first time since the dark months in the nursing home, she began worrying at the problem of what had really happened. Who had done this? Why?
She was dozing one afternoon, after the best ride she had yet had. Maris had taken her out into one of the big fields on a lead line, and they had ridden together in the open. The horse had a lovely long flat walk; she had enjoyed the longer stretches of straight movement, the sound of wind in the trees at the edge of the field and the feel of it on her face. A pleasant lunch, a relaxing nap . . .
In one white-light burst, memory returned. She was at Berenice’s dressed for that damned reception; she could feel the ivory silk smooth on her shoulders, the weight of her favorite necklace on her chest. Berenice had worn pale green, and the other ladies were much the same, a gaggle of old women in appropriate pastels, she thought sourly. It didn’t matter if some of them had had rejuvenation; they were still old. She remembered them as children; they remembered her the same way. She hated this kind of thing. Gabble, gabble, nibble and sip, sit listening to a mediocre string trio, and then make a donation to whatever cause. Simpler just to make the donation and go do what you wanted, but she was trying to get Berenice to come around on the subject of Heris Serrano, so she had agreed to “be good” at the reception.
At her elbow, that insipid twit Lorenza. Amazing that a man like Piercy could have a sister like Lorenza. Lorenza, of course, had gone for rejuvenation, early and often, but she had always cared more for her complexion than anything else. I am being nice, Cecelia reminded herself, and smiled at Lorenza. Smooth gold hair, fair skin looking thirty—but those eyes held all of eighty years of malice. It was unnerving, those wicked old eyes in that young face . . . exactly why Cecelia hated the thought of rejuv for herself.
“Dear Cecelia, I haven’t seen you for years,” Lorenza said. Cecelia shivered. It was a soft voice, insistently gentle; why did it grate so on her ears?
“Well, I run off a lot,” Cecelia said. She felt big and coarse next to Lorenza; she always had. As a child, Lorenza had been picture perfect, the quiet, well-behaved, clean and tidy girl to whom Cecelia had been compared when in disgrace. Why can’t you be more like dear Lorenza? had come from both her mother and Berenice, every time she’d broken something, or come home dirty and disheveled. “I just got back.” Her neck felt hot; she always felt she should say more to Lorenza, but she never could think what.
“I understand you took care of dear Ronnie for Berenice,” Lorenza said, smiling up at her. There was nothing overtly wrong with that statement, but Cecelia was sweating.
“Yes . . . he’s changed a lot. Fine young man.” Too late, she realized that admitted he hadn’t been. If Berenice heard, she’d be furious. Cecelia wished she were anyplace else—outside, by preference, and hoped she wouldn’t trip over her own feet. Dammit! She was over eighty, rich and famous in her own right; she didn’t need to feel like this about Lorenza. I am being good, she told herself again.