"No," Jake said, "but I'm sure you do."
"I do," she said. "You spent $212,567 during the course of last year. And you didn't even buy a car that year. You add together the $254,000 paid out from the recurring obligations account, and we're talking... $466,567."
"How much money did I make, though?" Jake asked.
She sighed. They had had this discussion before. "You know the answer to that," she said. "You signed your tax forms, after all. After taxes were paid, you made $1,233,000."
"So I made $1.2 million and I spent almost half a million. Doesn't that leave me with about seven hundred grand left over?"
"Yes, Jake," she said. "It does."
"So I'm not spending more than I make, right?"
"Not yet, you're not," she said. "But you're moving in that direction. Your personal spending goes up every year. So far this year, you've already spent more than $145,000 and it's only May. You keep going at this rate and you're sure to break three hundred thousand by the end of the year."
"But I'm also going to pull in about a million and a half of free and clear profit, right?"
Jill lowered her head to the desk for a few moments and took a deep breath. She always got frustrated by Jake's flippant attitude about money. "Look, Jake," she said when she finally brought her head back up, "I understand that right now you're making much more money than you're spending. But the trend I'm looking at here is that eventually your spending will surpass your yearly income. This will happen even faster if — God forbid — you have a year where you don't have a successful album or where you don't go out on tour. If something like that occurs, your income will be drastically reduced but your spending will not. At that point you'll be in a negative spiral and I'll be forced to start selling off the T-bills, the T-notes, and the CDs before they mature. If it keeps up, I'll be forced to start selling off stocks — something I would really hate to do with the market the way it is right now. You're living a lifestyle that you simply cannot maintain forever."
"So what is your suggestion?" Jake asked. "Buy Honda Accords? Fire Elsa? Get rid of my airplane?"
"You don't have to go quite that far," she said. "You just need to learn not to be so extravagant in your spending. You're not as rich as you think you are. You're spending money like someone who has twenty million in net worth. Just try to avoid buying multiple big ticket items in one tax year. Wait a year between major purchases."
Jake nodded, feeling like he did when the dentist told him to floss more or the doctor told him not to smoke and drink so much — things he had no intention of actually changing. He gave Jill the same answer he gave the dentist and the doctor. "I'll see what I can do, doc."
"Doc?" she said.
"I mean Jill," he corrected with a grin. "I'll try to change my evil ways. One question though."
"What's that?"
"What if my income were to significantly increase? Would you feel better about me spending like mad?"
"I'm sure I would," she said. "Are you expecting your income to significantly increase?"
"The next album we release will fulfill our contractual obligations to National. After that, we're wide open to renegotiation."
"That is true," Pauline had to agree.
"And the terms of your next contract will be better?" Jill asked.
"As long as we finish up on top," Jake said, "there will be a bidding war over who gets to sign us next."
"Interesting," Jill said. "I'll adjust my nagging accordingly when that happens."
"Thanks," Jake said. "Oh, and there's one other thing you can do for me."
"What's that?"
"Can you do some research on the ins and outs of Americans buying property in New Zealand?"
"New Zealand?" she asked. "We were just talking about fiscal responsibility and now you want to buy land in New Zealand."
"I liked it there," Jake said. "I want to own a summer place eventually. See what's available in the Christchurch area on the South Island, something just outside the city itself, up in the hills, near the airport if possible. And if there's a view of either the city or the ocean or both, so much the better."
"You're serious about this?" Jill asked.
"I've never been more serious," he said. "Real estate's an investment, isn't it?"
"Well... yes, but..."
"I'm not gonna buy it this year," he said. "I just want to know if it's possible and, if so, what the base prices for land and dwelling are."
"All right," she said with a sigh. "I'll see what I can find out."
"And how about a five hundred dollar a month raise for you?" he suggested next. "I think you deserve it."
"Well... I'm not going to argue with you on that one."
"Done," he said. "Pencil it in, effective immediately and retroactive to the first of the year."
She smiled. "Thanks, Jake."
"No need to thank me," he said. "You earned it."
"Any more financial stuff to go over with him?" Pauline asked next.
"Usually we give him a breakdown of his portfolio, how it performed over the last quarter, and what the projections are for the next quarter," Jill said. "After that, we give him our audit results on each other."
"All of that stock stuff is like Latin to me," Jake said. "Why don't we skip that part?"
"What about the audit results?" Jill asked.
"Pauline," Jake said, turning to her, "Is Jill screwing me in any way?"
"No," she said. "She's not."
"And Jill, is Pauline screwing me in any way?"
"No," Jill said with a little shake of the head. "She's not."
"Is National doing anything funny with the revenue stream?" he asked next.
"No," Jill said, "they seem to be abiding to the letter of the contract. The random audits we do keep them honest."
"Very good," Jake said. "And now here's the hard part. Are the two of you conspiring with each other to screw me and siphon my funds into Swiss accounts for your own use and pleasure?"
Jill looked shocked at the very suggestion. Pauline, however, simply gave another chuckle. "No, Jake," she said. "We're not doing that."
"Well all right then," Jake said. "I guess that covers the audit, doesn't it?"
"I guess so," Pauline said. "Now I have a few things I need to talk to you about."
"Lay 'em on me, sis," he said. "But make it fast. Dinner is in twenty minutes."
"Right," she said. "The first thing is your plan to appear in Celia Valdez's wedding."
"What about it?"
"It's no longer a secret. Someone tipped the LA Times' entertainment department that Jake Kingsley will be at Martha's Vineyard on June 15 and he will sing a song he composed especially for the occasion."
"Who told them?" Jake asked.
"Well... didn't you tell me at one point that only Greg Oldfellow and Celia herself knew about it?"
"Yes, that was my understanding."
"Draw your own conclusions, but I'm thinking it must've been one of them."
"Hmm," Jake said thoughtfully. "I wonder why they would do something like that."
"I don't know," Pauline said. "We are starting to get some fallout from several directions on this one. I'm starting to get calls from the usual gaggle of columnists asking me to confirm or deny the rumor. So far, I've done neither. I wanted to wait for your input first."
"Keep no-commenting for now," Jake told her. "I'll talk to Celia soon and see what her take on this is."
"Sounds good, but you'd better do it quick. They're getting antsy. The other direction I'm getting feedback from is Crow and Doolittle and their merry men. They asked me for the same confirmation or denial and I told them I don't know anything. They then told me to tell you that any live performance without their permission could be construed as a breach of contract."