Matt's eyes lit up for the first time in weeks. "Damn," he mumbled. "Now this is my kind of religion."
"I thought you'd like this part," Jake whispered back to him.
Matt grinned for a moment and then remembered he was supposed to be angry. He let the non-committal frown return.
While the guests made their way to the open bar to have shots of booze poured for them, the rabbi corralled Jake and Matt and told them it was time to go retrieve the groom.
"What about those fuckin' drinks?" Matt asked. "When do I get to pick mine?"
"You'll be drinking from a bottle that William himself picked out," the rabbi told him.
"Oh man," Matt complained. "God only knows what kind of pisswater Nerdly picked out. It's probably fuckin' wine mixed with Dr. Pepper."
"Actually," the rabbi said, "I gave him a little help with the selection process. I think maybe you'll be pleased with his choice."
Matt said no further on the subject. The rabbi led them into a small room adjacent to the main reception room and there Nerdly sat, staring at some notes on a piece of paper (probably his lines for later on, Jake figured) and nervously chewing his fingernails. He was dressed in the black and red dress uniform of Captain Picard and had a white yarmulke upon his head. As the entourage of Matt, Jake, Coop, Charlie, his father, and Sharon's father entered, Nerdly looked up, startled out of his concentration.
"Jesus Christ," he blurted, and then reddened. "Uh... well... actually I meant... well, you know. I mean, I didn't mean Jesus Christ as such. It's just that..."
"It's okay," Levenstein assured him gently. "Even though we don't believe in the divinity of Jesus, invoking his name is still a pretty good curse under certain circumstances. Santa Claus is a pretty cool icon too."
"Santa Claus?" Nerdly asked, not quite catching the reference. "What about him?"
"Never mind, William," the rabbi said with a chuckle. "Your wedding party is here. Would you like to pour them their drinks?"
"Right," Nerdly said, nodding rapidly.
"I think we could all use a drink about now, Nerdly," Jake told him.
The drink of choice turned out to be very nice indeed. Nerdly brought out a bottle of Macallan single-malt Scotch from the fine and rare collection of that very impressive line. The bottle he had held an amber liquid that had been aged twenty-five years. Jake, an aficionado of premium liquor, knew that the bottle had to have cost at least two hundred dollars.
"Nice, Nerdly," Jake told him. "Very nice."
"I was going to go with some of that Popov Vodka I drink with my Sprite," Nerdly said, "but Rabbi Levenstein talked me into this instead."
"You're a good man, Rabbi," Nerdly's dad told him. "A very good man."
Nerdly cracked the seal and poured each of them about an inch worth of the precious liquid into crystal bucket glasses inscribed with their names and the date of the occasion. Jake took a long smell of his, savoring the rich aroma. Matt put his to his lips, preparing to shoot it down.
"Not yet," Levenstein said, stopping him. "We don't drink until after the ketuvah is read and signed."
Matt slowly let the glass drop away from his lips. "What a rip," he said sourly.
"Shall we?" Levenstein asked.
"Let's do it," Nerdly said, taking a few deep breaths.
They emerged into the main reception room and gathered around the podium where the ketuvah sat. Levenstein approached the podium and addressed the guests, explaining what the ketuvah was, what it stood for, and what the historical significance of the document was. He then said a few blessings, a brief prayer, and invited Nerdly to take the podium in his place.
Nerdly did so, moving up. Jake moved up with him and caught a glimpse of the ketuvah. Though traditionally written in Hebrew, this one was in English, penned in dark calligraphy. He knew that Nerdly had been studying Hebrew as part of the conversion process but it seemed he wanted the ketuvah — which would be framed and hung on the wall in their home — to be legible to all who saw it.
Nerdly made a brief speech to the audience, thanking everyone for coming, thanking his parents and Sharon's parents and the rabbi and especially Sharon herself, who wasn't even in the room at the moment.
"Would you just fuckin' sign the shit so I can drink this hooch?" Jake heard Matt mumble at one point.
When the speech was done the rabbi asked Nerdly if he agreed to abide by the text of the ketuvah as long as he was able.
"Yes, I do," Nerdly told him.
"Then please sign the document where indicated," Levenstein said.
Nerdly picked up a gold pen and signed on the line labeled "Groom".
"And if now the witnesses will please sign as well?" Levenstein asked.
Jake went forward and took the pen from Nerdly's hand. He signed on the first witness line. Matt stepped forward next and signed on the second witness line. The rabbi then took the pen from Matt's hand.
"I will attest that this ketuvah is valid and binding," he said. He then signed it as well. "Lechaim!" he declared.
"Lechaim!" the guests responded enthusiastically.
Jake, along with everyone else with a drink in his or her hand, downed the contents of his glass. The scotch was smooth as silk, gliding down his throat like only twenty-five year old scotch could. It warmed his belly and sent gentle warmth surging through his bloodstream.
It was not the only lechaim to echo through the hall in the next fifteen minutes. As the guests gathered around to view the ketuvah, many of them, fresh drinks in hand, would throw another one at him. Decorum dictated that he return each one. Jake, Matt, Coop, Charlie, Jake's dad, and Nerdly's father all poured liberally out of the Macallan and matched him shot for shot. Soon, Jake was feeling a definite buzz overtaking him and he began to worry about his ability to perform the song he had rehearsed when the time came. To counter this, he munched on some of the rye crackers and cheese that were being circulated.
Finally, the lechaiming came to an end and it was time to move onto the next stage of the ceremony. It was time for Nerdly to veil his bride. His father and Sharon's father formed up on either side of him. Jake and the rest of the male guests in the wedding party formed up behind them. They walked in procession into another room of the hall and there sat Sharon, dressed in the yellow dress uniform of Beverly Crusher. She was surrounded by her mother, Nerdly's mother, Jake's mother, and a few other female acquaintances that Jake didn't know.
"Damn," Matt whispered as they entered the room. "She does have a rack after all."
And indeed she did. The uniform shirt she was wearing was, without a doubt, the tightest piece of clothing that anyone but Nerdly himself had ever seen her wear. She had a very perky and appetizing swelling in her chest.
Nerdly became a little nervous again as he took her in. In keeping with tradition, he hadn't seen her or talked to her in the last seven days. As before, however, he quickly got into gear, chilled himself out, and went through the pomp and ceremony of covering her face with the veil of marriage.