She remained silent while Ben transferred the food to the table and they both sat down to eat. The silence between them stretched out for most of the meal. It didn't seem to bother Ben at all. Cassie was in no hurry to break it; she was not uncomfortable with him, though she was highly conscious of his every movement. She just didn't know what to say to him.
They were nearly finished when she finally spoke. "This is good. Thanks."
"I specialize in breakfasts and steaks. Other than that…" He shrugged, smiling.
She thought that expertise had probably taken him as far as he wanted it to but didn't say it aloud. Instead, driven, she said, "That girl – "
"They haven't found her yet."
"I could – "
"No," Ben said. "You couldn't."
"I'm all right now."
"Maybe." He shook his head, watching her intently. "And maybe not. Do you remember it all, Cassie?"
"More or less."
"Do you remember speaking in the first person, in the killer's words?"
She felt a chill. "No."
"You did. I managed to pull you back, but – " He drew a breath. "Now I understand what you meant when you said you needed a lifeline."
Cassie didn't ask what, specifically, she had said. Instead, she shook her head and murmured, "Every case is a bit different, but… I don't understand anything about this one. Peculiar things have been happening almost from the beginning."
He hesitated. "Something else. Your eyes were open during most of the contact. That isn't usual, is it?"
"No."
"Your pupils were so dilated, there was almost no color showing at all."
Cassie felt more disturbed by what she heard in his voice than by the anomalous occurrence he described. "I can't explain it. The difference I felt was… a matter of degree."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean the contact itself didn't feel different, just the depth of it. Almost instantly I was deep in his mind, his consciousness, so quick, it was like flipping a switch."
"Because you knew the way after finding him the last time?"
"I guess." But that didn't feel right somehow, and she went on slowly. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear he… pulled me in. That he wanted me to know where he was and what he was doing. That he deliberately let me know that much before he pushed me out."
"Why isn't that possible?"
"Well, because… there was no awareness of me. None at all, not until that very last second when he suddenly looked at me and then pushed me out."
"You said he knew you."
"Yes. He… he said my name in his mind."
"Cassie."
She heard that whisper once again in her mind, and a shiver rippled through her. She had never before been caught like that in another mind; a dark inner eye had turned toward her with such swift accuracy that she had felt pinned in place.
Trapped.
That was what she could never tell Ben. That she knew with utter certainty she would never have been able to escape from the insane strength of that other mind if he had not contemptuously thrown her free.
FIFTEEN
"Cassie?"
She summoned a smile. "As I said, he knows who I am now. But we expected that sooner or later."
"Do you think he'll block you from now on?"
"He couldn't do it continually. Eventually even the strongest mind gets tired or distracted and the guard slips. I'll be able to get back in."
"And if you can? Will he know you're there?"
Cassie hesitated. "I don't know. I've always been able to hide my presence before. I… must have been distracted somehow this time, and that's how he caught me."
"What if he catches you again? Can he hurt you?"
"With his mind?" She tried to make sure her voice didn't sound evasive. "All he did this time was push me out. It's the natural thing to do."
"We're dealing with an unnatural mind, Cassie."
"Yes. I know."
Ben stared at her, then pushed his plate away with a smothered oath. In a very steady voice he said, "Even if he can't hurt you, how many more times do you think you can do this without killing yourself?"
"As many as I have to." Cassie got up and carried her plate to the sink.
He followed with his own plate. "I don't think so, Cassie. Do you realize you scared the life out of me yesterday? I thought I was going to lose you forever."
She fixed a fresh cup of coffee to give herself a moment to think. It didn't help. "I'm sorry." Her own voice sounded more puzzled than apologetic to her; she wondered how it sounded to him. Obviously not apologetic.
"Dammit, Cassie! Stop acting like I shouldn't care if you put yourself in danger."
She poured milk into her coffee, stirring it with careful concentration. "It's my risk to take. I told you that." "And I'm not concerned in the matter?" She took a moment to respond. "What do you want me to say, Ben?"
He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. "Look at me." She did, but reluctantly.
He gave her a little shake. "Stop shutting me out." "I'm not."
"You've been miles away from me since Matt and I came back yesterday afternoon. I want to know why. Is it because I told you how I felt? Are you having second thoughts about getting involved with me?" He'll destroy you.
Cassie wondered if she could even try to save herself. "Ben, you must see it – it's no good." "Why?" he demanded bluntly. "My God, aren't all the reasons obvious?" "Not to me. So tell me." She drew a breath. "For one thing, I'd make a lousy lover. Ben, I've been inside too many male minds filled with nothing but violence and hate. I can't just push all that aside, pretend I never saw it, that it never terrified me."
"You've never been in my mind," he said quietly.
"I know that." She steadied her voice with an effort. "And I know those other minds, those… urges and actions are abnormal. Most men never feel such violence. But accepting that in my own mind doesn't help. I still… I can't help being afraid. Don't you see? There's no trust left in me."
"I don't believe that."
"You have to. It's true."
"Cassie, I would never deliberately hurt you."
"I'm sure you mean that." She avoided his gaze.
"But you don't believe it's the truth."
"I told you. I can't trust anymore. I don't want to get involved, not with anyone. Ben, please, just – let it go, okay?"
He ignored the plea. "Is it because you can't read me? Because you can't be sure there's no violence in me?"
"I don't know. Maybe." She had to wonder if it would make things easier if she could read Ben. Or harder.
His fingers tightened on her shoulders. "Cassie – "
The telephone rang, making her jump, but she was glad to have a reason to move away from him, if only as far as the kitchen wall phone. She picked up the receiver and said hello, hoping she didn't sound as shaky as she thought she did.
"Cassie, it's Matt. Is Ben still there?"
"Yes. Hang on a second." She held out the receiver, and when he took it immediately moved away and busied herself loading the dishwasher.
"Matt? Have you found her?" Ben kept his gaze on Cassie and shook his head when she looked up questioningly. Then he frowned as the sheriff continued to speak. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, Matt. We'll just feed the gossip if Cassie comes to your office openly. I know. Yes, I realize that, but – " He listened for a moment longer, then said, "All right. We're on our way."
He hung up the phone and directed all his attention at Cassie. "You heard. He wants to talk to us in his office. I don't know why he didn't want to tell me over the phone, but he was right when he pointed out that your involvement in the investigation is an open secret by now."
Cassie closed the dishwasher. "I'll get my jacket." She kept her tone as indifferent as she could manage. "Would you let Max out for a minute, please? I'd like to leave him in the house."