"So you think you've convinced me?"
"I'm not assuming anything, but you didn't throw me out...yet.”
“Well the night is young,” she says with this tiniest hint of humor in her voice. Then she forces a smile, which makes me laugh.
We sit for a while in silence, I was expecting a screaming match or something, but there is nothing.
“This isn’t how I was expecting this to go,” I admit quietly. She looks confused, so I continue. “I thought there would be yelling.”
She kind of laughs. “I didn’t think this would ever even happen.” She shrugs. “So I really had no preconceived idea of how it should ‘go’.” The sarcasm oozes from her as she spits the words at me.
The silence once again descends. This is so frustrating.
“Seeing as you have the advantage and you have thought it all through, perhaps you ought to do the talking.”
“How do I have the advantage?” I ask, mystified as to how she could think that I’m somehow winning in this situation.
“Well you at least knew you were here. I’ve been kept in the dark,” she snaps.
I sigh. “I wasn’t keeping you in the dark to get the advantage. I was waiting for the right time so that you didn’t feel cornered.”
“Well, just so that you know,” she says, “you failed.”
“Listen, you could tell me to leave.” I remind her, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. She shakes her head at me and scoffs, she knows I wouldn’t leave without a fight now that I’m here, but I’m trying to make her feel like she’s in control of how and when we talk.
She stares at an arbitrary point on the wall. Then she looks back to me. “You thought there would be yelling?” she wonders aloud.
“Sure.”
“Why?”
“Because you are understandably angry.” I look at her and she looks away. I summon all my courage. “So…the fact there is no yelling tells me one of two things.” I wait for her reaction; she looks back at me and folds her arms. “Number one,” I continue. “You don’t care about us anymore, at all and there is nothing left to say.” I take a deep breath. “Or number two, you believe me. But you are afraid to say it.”
She watches me.
“So if it’s the first one, you should tell me.” I say as firmly as I’m capable of. This could really backfire…
“Why should I?” she challenges.
“Because, I’ll never give up on us. But if you really have, then I need to know.”
She rubs her forehead. “I can’t deal with this.”
My shoulders sag, have I gone too far? Wondering what to do for the best, I absentmindedly sit forward and reach my hand out to hers. She flinches as our fingers touch and I almost recoil when I realise what I’m doing. But she doesn’t pull her hand away so I gently take her fingers in mine and stroke my thumb across the back of her hand. She begins to cry again.
“I love you so much,” I whisper.
She sobs.
I feel awful for her. This is not something she can handle right now and I’m making it worse. “This is too much for you. It’s not fair of me to burst in with no warning. I should give you some time to process everything…The problem is, I don’t want to leave you alone like this.” I reach into my back pocket and pull out my cell. Liv looks at me.
I text Max.
‘Can you come up?’
I glance up at Liv, who is still watching me. “You need someone to hold you right now and as much as it hurts, that really can’t be me. I'll go cover for Max and give you some space.” She nods through the tears. “I really want to talk about this. But only when you’re ready.” I stress. "I'll lay off for a while, you need a break." I feel terrible about the way I’ve pursued her while she’s in such a weak state.
After a quiet and slightly tense couple of minutes, I hear Max’s footsteps on the stairs. I slowly get to my feet.
“Bye,” I say softly.
Liv doesn’t respond. I meet Max at the top of the stairs.
“How is she?” he asks. His voice lowered.
“In shock, I think. She really needs comfort right now and I’m not the right person to give it. Can you stay with her?”
“Sure. Are you okay?” he asks, his concern is genuine.
“Yeah, I’m fine. She didn’t throw me out, that’s more than I expected,” I grin despite everything.
“You’re doing well,” he says slapping me on the back.
I smile. “I’ll go back to work, look after her.” I say with a hint of regret.
“I will,” he says over his shoulder as he opens the door.
Just after midnight. Max joins me at the bar. “She’s asleep,” he says.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“She’s fine. Shocked is an understatement.” He laughs. “But she’ll be okay.”
“What should I do next?” I ask, genuinely uncertain of how to proceed.
“See how she is tomorrow. Maybe let her approach you.” He shrugs. “You may have to wait a bit, but you’re not going anywhere are you.”
I nod slowly. I wish I could be certain she would approach me. It makes me nervous to think about not pursuing her. What if that’s it? If she doesn’t come to me, it would be over for good. I’m not ready to let that happen. But tonight I’ve made good progress. She knows I’m here and she didn’t hit the roof. I should graciously accept that and try to build on it. I’ll just have to see what tomorrow brings.
Chapter Eight
Danny
I wanted your opinion on some wallpaper samples.
My fingers type quickly. I’m using the morning to catch up on work. It takes my mind off the fact that Max and Charlie are having brunch with Liv, almost certainly discussing me, and I have to keep away. I’m no longer in hiding, but I want to maintain a respectful distance until she tells me otherwise. Until I’m invited, I will carry on with my previous routine. She will never know I’m here.
I yawn as I wait for a file to load. I’m so tired. I guess I haven’t caught up with my jet lag yet. I’ve changed time zones so many times lately, I’ve no normal to try to return to. Before I came back, I was keeping terrible hours, working hard, trying to forget Liv. Then I was sick with worry and hit the ground running when I arrived. I’ve been doing two jobs, both with demandingly long hours and I’m spending every spare second attempting to get through to Liv. It has been exhausting. I hardly slept last night, going over everything in my head. My body aches from tiredness.
I push away from the desk, stand up and stretch. I look longingly at the cosy bed. I should try and sleep. I’m not needed anywhere and if Liv does want to talk later, I won’t be up to it if I’m this tired. I look back at the computer guiltily, how productive am I really being? I’ve done plenty and I’m way ahead. I crash onto the welcoming bed but just lay staring at the ceiling. This is the problem. I go to bed but nothing happens. That’s why I’ve been working so much, because if I’m awake I need to be occupied or I start to think, then I just beat myself up for the giant fuck-up of the past few weeks.
Here it comes… First, I kick myself for not being totally honest with Liv about Brooke. If I had, she would know I have nothing to hide and we wouldn’t have a problem now. Next, I beat myself up for adding to the problem, by not admitting I’d made a mistake and continuing to hide more and more stuff about Brooke from Liv. That is why she doesn’t trust me, it’s totally my fault. Then I curse myself for being so self-centred that I couldn’t or wouldn’t see the real reason she left me. I wallowed in self-pity for a week and didn’t give her feelings a single thought. I felt wronged so I wasted time. I should have been here and the accident would never have happened. Yes, the accident is my fault too and then, despite the fact that I rushed to be by her side, I’ve not actually had the guts to force my way back in. Max has been really supportive, but he’s been insistent on me, giving Liv enough space. I should have been by her bedside when she woke up instead of sneaking out like a criminal.