“He’s still here isn’t he? The only reason for that is you. It’s never too late, especially where you two are concerned. But you need to decide what you want and think about your part in making it happen.” He looks at me with his most meaningful it’s-all-on-you-now expression and I nod slightly in acknowledgement. “I know you’ve been hurt, Liv. But he was too and he is the only one doing anything about it. It’s got to be soul destroying.”
What he is saying is starting to sink in. I’ve watched in disappointment for a couple of weeks as he has become more and more distant, partly feeling defiant, because it’s me that should be angry and distant, but a feeling I’ve refused to acknowledge has been trying to surface. Deep down, I know that I need to do something to change things.
My phone wakes me, I glance at the clock, 01:15 and I grab it and see Danny’s face on my screen.
“Danny?” I say urgently. “Are you okay?”
“Liv.” He sounds drunk.
“Yes?” I say, anxiously. What is he calling about at this time of night?
“I’ve tried, you know?” he slurs.
“Danny, where are you?”
“You trust me enough to have me around. You trust me enough to work in your bar. You trust me enough to wash your fucking hair for God’s sake…” He drifts off. “It wouldn’t kill you to say it you know.”
“Danny I…”
“Why are you still punishing me?” He sighs heavily.
I open my mouth to speak and the line goes dead.
I call him straight back but it goes to voicemail. So instead I call Max, he must still be here.
“Liv?” He answers quickly.
“Max, Danny just called me, he sounded really upset. I think he’s drunk.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to Charlie,” he says. “Call you back.”
I sit in bed waiting. After a moment I try calling Danny again but I still get voicemail. I toss it on the bed, frustrated.
Suddenly, it rings and I grab it back quickly. “Danny?”
“No, it’s me,” Max says. “I just spoke to Charlie; Danny’s had a skinfull and wandered off. Charlie is looking for him.”
“Shit.” I sigh. “What should I do? I can’t get through to him, it keeps going to voicemail.”
“Sit tight in case he rings you back. What did he say?”
“Oh, he was saying that it wouldn’t kill me to trust him.”
Max tuts, but stays silent.
“What?” I ask, knowing there is more to his silence.
“Nothing.”
“No, come on, let’s hear it.”
Max huffs. “I just don’t think you realise what a rough time he’s having.”
“He’s not the only one!”
Max scoffs. “Liv, open your eyes, everyone is rallying round you, including him. What are you doing for him? He’s far away from home, missing his friends and family, all for you, and you are like this great big, fucking brick wall.”
“I didn’t ask him to come…” I mutter.
“No, but you should be grateful he did.”
I feel full of rage. “I can’t believe this, can we discuss it when he isn’t missing? I need to get off the phone, call me if you find him.” I say, abruptly ending the call. “Huh!” I growl to myself. Seething, I try Danny again. Nothing.
I pull my laptop onto my lap. I need to email him and sort this out. He can read it in the morning when he sobers up, but I need to get it out now. My fingers hover over the keys while I decide what I want to say.
Danny,
You can’t drift away from me for two weeks and then drunk dial, shouting at me.
No, I delete that and stare at the floor for several minutes. What do I want to say? My phone rings again.
“Danny?’
“No, it’s Charlie. I’ve got him.”
I blow out a long breath. “Thank goodness. Is he okay?”
“So, so,” he says quietly, obviously in earshot of Danny.
“Can I talk to him?” Not really knowing what I want to say.
“I think he’s a bit far gone for a deep and meaningful. Maybe you should leave it until tomorrow.”
"Alright," I say reluctantly. “Look after him."
"We will. Night,” he says.
“Night.”
I hang up. I'm glad Danny has those two, but the sinking feeling inside me says that I wish it was me he had. I lay awake, my mind racing. He’s right. It wouldn't kill me to say it. I shouldn't be punishing him still. I believe he’s telling the truth about what happened, so this is all that is keeping us apart and after all he has done for me, maybe I’m being unreasonable. After a while I look at the clock again, it’s 2.30am. Hopefully Danny will be safely in bed by now, but I wish we could sort this out. I reach over and pick up my phone, thinking about what I want to say. He wants me to say I trust him. I type a text.
'I do…I’m sorry. X’
I know it’s not a full and frank apology, but I need to get my head round it still and I think I should actually talk to him about it, not text. I just want him to wake up tomorrow and see that the first move has come from me. I smile and try to settle back down to sleep. It isn’t easy, but eventually I drift off.
I watch him making coffee for one of our regulars and, as he hands over the change, he glances at me. The corner of his mouth turns up in a smile and he winks at me. This kind of across-the-room flirting has been happening all day, but when he does come near me, he treats me like a nun. We haven’t had chance to discuss what happened last night, he was here before I got up this morning. I imagine he has a monster hangover, but he’s working through it…and it isn’t my imagination that he’s flirting with me.
“Earth to Liv.” says Connie.
“Huh?” I tear my eyes away from Danny and smile sheepishly at Connie. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
She laughs. “You're not on the planet today.”
“Sorry. I’ve got so much on my mind.”
“It seems like there is only one thing on your mind,” she says knowingly.
I smirk. “He called me last night, drunk.”
“I heard.”
“Of course you did.”
“Why don’t you talk to him?”
“And say what?”
“Tell him to pull his finger out.”
I laugh and then sigh. “Oh, I don’t know, Connie. I don’t know what is going on. He hounded me until I let him talk and now he’s backed off so much I’ve no idea what he wants anymore.”
She leans across the table and takes my hands. “What do you want?” she asks with a meaningful look.
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
I shake my head.
“You are as stubborn as your grandmother you know.” She sits back in her seat and rolls her eyes at me.
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I remember when she was courting your granddad and they went through a bit of a rough patch, she had him jumping through all sorts of hoops to convince her he was worth a second chance, poor man.”
“I haven’t got him jumping through hoops!” I exclaim, insulted at the insinuation that I’m playing mind games.
Connie tilts her head. “Haven’t you?”
“No!”
“Well, what is the holdup then?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. “I thought I wanted him to prove something to me.”
“What?”
“I think I wanted him to prove…that he loves me more than I love him,” I say in barely more than a whisper.
“Liv!”
“I know it’s unreasonable. But I wanted the security I never had with him before. He left me feeling like he never loved me as much as I loved him and after what happened in LA I just felt like I deserved the upper hand.” Saying it out loud makes it sound even worse.
Connie shakes her head at me. “I’m surprised at you, Olivia.” Oh God, I’m really in trouble if she is bringing Olivia out. “What makes you think you deserve the upper hand? He's been through just as much as you and you're torturing the poor boy over something I doubt he could prove to you anyway.” She folds her arms. "I’ll tell you something, no one will ever love you more.”