He smiles. “I thought you were.”
“I was talking it all over with Grace and I just suddenly realised how much I loved you. I didn’t want to go to the party with all this bad feeling hanging over us. I just wanted to be with you.” I think about what awaited me when I did. “I borrowed Grace’s car and…” I swallow hard.
“So you came over? What did you see?” I know he has nothing to hide, I’m just not sure why we are reliving this.
“I hurried up to the front door. I was so anxious to see you and then I saw her.”
“Did you go in?”
I shake my head. “The curtains were open a bit. I saw her standing there taking off her clothes. She was in her underwear.” I look down at my fingers.
“I guess I was still in the shower,” he says, shaking his head in disgust. “She was lying on the bed when I found her.”
“She was smiling, I thought she was smiling at you. It killed me.” I whisper as I bite back tears.
‘God, I’m so sorry.” He clutches my hand.
“It’s okay,” I say, trying to shake it off. If he is too nice I’m really going to cry.
“Why didn’t you come in? You should have kicked her ass.”
“I was too hurt.” I admit. “I just ran away.”
“Where did you go?”
“To that lookout point up by Jen and Scott’s.” I look at him. “I threw up.” I add, with a small laugh.
“You threw up?”
I nod. “Twice.” I shake my head at the recollection. “Once there and once at your place.”
“Really?” He looks pained.
“Yeah. I guess I don’t take heartbreak well.”
“So what happened after that?”
“I sat in the car for a while not knowing what to do. Then I decided I had to get home. I didn’t want to see anyone but Max. So I drove back to your place and waited until Jen and Scott came to get you. Once you had gone, I went in and got my stuff.” I wince at his expression of shock.
“Shit. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“I couldn’t, Danny. I was devastated. I watched you leave and it was like…” I gulp and just about manage to stop the tears brimming out of my eyes. I have to look at the ceiling to blink them back. One escapes but I catch it with my finger and then I’m okay again. “It was the worst experience of my life. I watched you get in their car, honestly believing I would never see you again.” I sniff.
“I can’t believe you were there,” he says quietly.
“I went in, once I was sure you had gone, grabbed all my stuff and left.”
“Just like that?” he asks as if it was the easiest decision of my life.
“No, not just like that. I was sobbing. I threw up in your bathroom. It was awful…” Then as I’m explaining it to him, it dawns on me. The jewellery bag. I hadn’t thought about it for a while, but it was the kick in the teeth that let me know how little I meant to him and when I mentioned it to him before, he completely ignored it.
“What?” he asks with concern, seeing my expression change.
“There was a jewellery bag in the kitchen. It was empty” I say slowly.
Danny nods.
“That really twisted the knife, Danny. Did you give it to her?”
“It was for you.” He frowns, hurt that I would think otherwise. “I had it with me.”
I look at him; he’s looking so intense. But it’s the truth, with him I can always tell face to face. I feel that relief again, but this time it feels whole. I think that jewellery bag was the thing that was holding me back. Even once I believed what he told me about what happened with her, I think I still thought he gave the contents of that bag to her. “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping it will be enough.
Just then our waiter brings over our starter, a big board of antipasti to share. My stomach contracts, I don’t know how I’m going to force anything down with this conversation happening. We watch each other in tense silence as the waiter rearranges the table to accommodate the dish and refreshes our wine glasses.
“I still have it you know,” Danny says once we are alone again. “The jewellery I bought you.” He smiles. “I might save it for your birthday. It’s only a few weeks away and it’s the big 3-0!”
I smile back, but sigh. “I feel like I don’t deserve it now. I should have trusted you.”
“God, no. After what I did and then what you saw, you did what anyone would have done. Please stop beating yourself up.” He reaches across to squeeze my hand. Then he looks at the table. “We should eat this food.”
“I know,” I say taking a deep breath. A couple of sips of wine help me and we start to eat. It isn’t as difficult as I thought and the food is delicious. We make a good job of the starter and make some small talk. Fortunately the restaurant is busy, so the buzz fills the silences and it’s a while before our main courses arrive.
In the interval between courses, Danny picks up our conversation. “So do you feel any better now that we’ve talked about it in more detail?”
“Yes, I suppose I do.” I smile. I feel a lot better.
“Do you want to talk about it anymore?”
“No, not really.”
“So can we talk about the future now?” he asks with a tentative smile.
“I guess so.” I smile. “You can start by telling me what your plans are,” I say, regaining some of my confidence.
“What plans?”
“Well you jumped on a plane because I hurt myself and you’re still in limbo at Max’s a month later. How long are you planning to stay?”
He shakes his head. “Liv, I’ve moved here,” he says simply.
I blink at him. “Even though we broke up?”
“I planned to come here to be with you, that’s what I’ve done.” He shrugs.
“Oh. So do you need to go back and get all of your stuff?”
“Nope, it arrived on Monday.”
“You shipped it? Where is it?”
“In storage.”
I look at him in disbelief. “So you aren’t going back?”
“I hope not.” He laughs. “My stuff is here, the apartment has gone, the truck is sold, Dad took my furniture and I cancelled my credit cards and cell. I think I’m better off here, don’t you?”
“What if I didn’t…what if we never got back together?” I stutter.
“I needed you to see how serious I was about us. It was a risk worth taking.”
I breathe deeply as my heart does a backflip. I’m such an idiot. We are interrupted by our main course. Gah! Food again!
When we are once again alone, I continue. "So this is it? Are we starting again?" I’m a bag of nerves.
"I don't think we can start again, do you?" he says. "We've wasted too much time already."
"So we just pick up where we left off?" I gulp.
"Too scary?"
"A bit. Don't you think?"
"I don't think it is. Look at it this way, if LA never happened, we would be together, right? So really it's just a question of whether you can forget what happened in LA and simply be with me like we were." He holds my gaze. "You're on my mind 24/7 and I see you watching me, it's all still there, so it just comes down to this…Can we put LA behind us?"
I’ve been watching him and thinking about him too. I would love to erase the memories from my head, they have haunted me. But now I know the facts there is no point in going over it all ever again. I don't know what I'm afraid of. We have certainly been here before and despite all that has happened, I know a future without him is going to be harder than anything that comes at us when we are together.
“You told me once that you were afraid I would turn out to be just human and that I would hurt you. I told you then that I am just human and that I could be hurt just as easily. Well I’m still human…I’m still me and I know we could still destroy each other. But I don’t care, because a life without you isn’t worth living…I dare you." He whispers, with a cheeky tone. "Let me back in, you won’t regret it."