The owner of Jackrabbit Pizza herewith agrees to accept the sum of $15,000 to provide free mechanical pony rides for all children upon request until such time as the money (at 25¢ a ride) is exhausted. Administrative and bank fees may be subtracted from the original sum, but in no event may the total fees exceed $3000.
In further consideration of this bequest, no employee of Jackrabbit Pizza will be forced to wear any type of uniform or costume as a condition of employment, effective on signature of this agreement.
A separate account shall be kept of this bequest, with books subject to audit at any time.
Dated and signed, etc.
Robbins said, ‘Don’t see much there for me.’
‘Then you’re either stupid or greedy. Not only do you get a customer attraction which will undoubtedly be reflected in increased revenues, you also get an undeserved reputation as a generous man – and, of course, most of the three-thousand-dollar administrative fee.’
‘All right, prick, you’re on.’
Daniel called Carl to witness the deal. Daniel tore the signed boxtop in half, giving Robbins his copy along with the briefcase of money. Robbins sat down to count as Carl and Daniel watched. Finally Robbins smiled. ‘All there,’ he said, starting to close the case.
Daniel cleared his throat. ‘I believe, Mr Robbins, that the witness fee is properly an administrative expense. Two hundred dollars is standard.’
Robbins glared. ‘Witness fee? What’s this shit? You think you can just roll me over and fuck me?’
‘Fair enough,’ Daniel said, ‘we’ll split it.’ He gave Carl two fifties from the day pack.
As Robbins reluctantly handed Carl a matching hundred from the briefcase, Daniel said, ‘While this pizza-box contract may strike you as unusual, and while it’s true my ways are unorthodox, I didn’t become wealthy by accident. I am an excellent businessman. My contract and litigation departments are used to seeing contracts written on cocktail napkins, the upholstery of Rolls Royces, bicycle seats, lipstick on mirrors, paper bags; and in every court case we’ve undertaken – and there have been many – those contracts were found to be binding. My contract department also directs our teams of investigators, whose random visits will ensure that the provisions of the contract are being followed to the letter. And the penny.’ Daniel stowed his copy in the day pack.
Robbins was rereading his copy of the contract, his lips moving slightly. ‘Don’t see nothing about investigators here. Where’s it say investigators?’
‘Auditors – same thing.’ Daniel put an arm through the day pack’s strap and slung it over his shoulder. Carl was carefully securing the two hundred dollars in his billfold.
‘So, all right,’ said Robbins, ‘these investo-auditors come, maybe somebody’s spilled coffee on a ledger, numbers don’t come out exactly even, stuff like that. What happens?’
‘The investigators or auditors, as the case may be, report to the contract department. Contract calls litigation. Litigation assembles a battery of attorneys. We file suit. We own a little pizzeria in Reno, the whole business probably worth less than a tenth of our legal fees. You see, Mr Robbins, with me it’s a matter of principle, not money. How many more millions do I need?’
‘I didn’t hear none of this lawsuit shit when we were signing contracts. Forget it. I’m backing out. It smells like grief.’
‘Too late,’ Daniel chirped. He picked up the bowling bag.
Robbins started to rise, muttering, ‘Now wait here just a fu––’
‘He’s right,’ Carl cut him off. ‘I saw you sign it. You wanted to.’
‘Hey, Carl,’ Robbins turned on him, ‘who took the dick out of your mouth? You go do some of that work I pay you for. Work? Remember? And take off that silly, fucking rabbit costume – makes you look like some kinda homo Bugs Bunny or somethin’.’
‘Mr Robbins,’ Carl said, his voice quavering, ‘I am a homo. That’s why when I take off my bunny uniform, I’m going to roll it up neatly and stick it up your ass.’
Robbins’s head snapped up as if he’d been kicked in the chin. He stared at Carl; the intensity of his gaze matched the purplish-red flush seeping downward from his bald pate toward his trembling jowls. Daniel was ready to intervene, but Robbins, perhaps sensing Daniel’s sentiments, smiled instead of erupting. He lifted his right hand up beside his ear and waggled his chubby fingers as he cooed, ‘Bye-bye, Carl. You’re fired.’
‘Hey,’ Daniel said, ‘you can’t fire Carl. He’s our witness.’
‘Fine.’ Robbins nodded his head rapidly. ‘He witnessed. He signed. Now his faggot-ass is out of here in two minutes or I call the cops.’
Daniel said, ‘What is it with you, Robbins? You ever opened a law book in your life? There’s three kinds of contract witnesses: there are signatory witnesses – that’s what you thought Carl was, I guess; then there are material witnesses – they document the contracted transfer of materials, not the contract signing; and the third – Carl’s category – are called I-witnesses – not e-y-e eye, but the personal pronoun, capital I – because they are appointed by one of the contracting parties – me – as a lock sito representative – that’s Latin for “constantly there” – to keep tabs on the contractual compliance of the other party. If you fire my witness, you should plan on spending the next ten years of your life and every penny you have in court.’
‘Come on! What’re you telling me? I can’t fire the pansy? Ever? That’s bullshit. S’pose he starts hanging his whang over the counter? Comes in wearing bra and panties and fucking prancing around, huh? Fuck that. Take me to court.’
Daniel shook his head. ‘You’re hopeless. Of course he can be dismissed – if he’s convicted of a felony. But since the money would be gone by the time he even came to trial, the point is moot. Your only other option is a CWBO.’
‘Like I’m supposed to know what the fuck that is?’
‘Actually, you should. It’s the Contested Witness Buy-Out. If you can’t get along with an I-witness, you can pay him a two-thousand-dollar buyout severance and replace him with a mutually agreed-upon substitute.’
Robbins was incredulous. ‘You mean I gotta give this dork-snorkeler twenty yards to get him out of my face?’
‘That’s correct. It’s deducted from the administrative costs, by the way, as our auditors will be informed.’
‘Fuck it,’ Robbins said, ‘I gotta think this is some kind of setup here, but it’s your money. Sure.’
Robbins counted out the two thousand and tossed it at Carl. ‘Bye, fuck-face.’
Carl grinned at Daniel. ‘Oh, now I can buy a new dress. But you, Max, I’ll always love you.’ He tried to put some smolder in his voice. ‘Ever since I met you I’ve known where you secretly want it. You’re one of those poor, poor souls who can never admit it to themselves.’ He pivoted on his heel and headed for the employee exit, laughing wildly as he tossed away his rabbit ears.
Since Robbins was glaring at Carl’s back, Daniel, for the fun of it, vanished, leaving by the front wall.
Four cars surrounded the Cutlass, the two with their flashers on imparting a strobed jerkiness to the movements of the men swarming the Cutlass. Invisible, Daniel walked over beside an unmarked car. A description of his bowling shirt was coming over the radio. That wasn’t good news, but wasn’t a major problem, either.
Two cops walked right through him as they headed toward the pizzeria. That was a major problem. They’d impound the money, fingerprint the case. He thought this over. No rides for the kids. No idea whose prints could be on the case, except his own. He went back through the wall just as the cops knocked on the door.