Brewing anger at my impossible situation steels my determination and eventually dries my tears. I clean up as best I can, and make a plan to grab my purse and hightail it home as quick as freaking possible. When I open the bathroom door, collagen lips and pointy tits assault my vision.
Kimberly eyes me with a bored expression and rolls her eyes. “I see the way you look at him, you know? We both do.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I whisper, trying to move around her, but she blocks the hallway.
“We’ve laughed about how fucking pathetic you are. You see, Cain and I have something that you can’t compete with. We have history, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. I suggest you cut your losses and move the fuck on.” She raises her eyebrows and crosses her arms in challenge.
“I need you to move the fuck out of my way. We’re done here,” I say, my restraint in serious jeopardy.
She moves even closer, her minty breath curling my gut and her sweet perfume stinging my nose. “You’re absolutely right. You are done.”
“Kimberly, enough! It’s time to go,” Cain says, and we both jump at the sound of his voice.
His expression gives nothing away. I wonder how much of our conversation he overheard, or if it would even matter to him. And maybe Kimberly’s right. Maybe I am done as far as he’s concerned. After the way I treated him, I deserve to be dismissed from his life.
With the blink of an eye, Kimberly’s demeanor changes, and a shiver runs up my spine. The menacing girl from five seconds ago vanishes, replaced with an easy smile and loving eyes.
“Sure thing, babe. I’m ready to get you home,” she coos while sidling past him and running a finger along his chest.
Cain’s eyes linger on me, and I can’t look away. Love and pain war within me. Is there any truth to Kimberly’s words? Does he really make fun of me?
The moment is over as quick as it began, and he leaves me standing alone in the hallway. I wait until I hear the truck engine turn before making my way into the kitchen to say my goodbyes.
I slam Adam’s front door and hurry down the porch steps. I can’t get across the yard and into my house fast enough for my liking. Alex, Sara, and Marlo’s looks told me it wouldn’t be long before the questions started. Audrey’s face said something else entirely, and it’s even less welcome than the girls’ curiosity.
I hear the door slam and the sound of footsteps behind me. I don’t need to turn around to know who it is.
“Not now, Audrey,” I say over my shoulder.
“You lied to me,” she accuses.
“Oh God, Audrey, what? What did I lie about?” I keep walking, hoping she’ll take my not so subtle hint.
“Celia, stop!” She grabs my shoulder and forces me to turn around. “You told me it was just a fling. What I just witnessed was a helluva lot more than a fling, if you ask me.”
I exhale a ragged breath and resign myself to this conversation. Honestly, I’m resisting the urge to tell her it’s none of her goddamn business.
“What difference does it make anymore, Audrey? It’s over between us. He’s with Kimberly now.”
“It makes a big difference to me. You’re supposed to be with my brother, Celia. I mean, enough is enough!” She throws her hands in the air, exasperated.
I nod my head slowly, methodically, as I carefully craft my reply. “I couldn’t agree more. Enough is enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?’
“When is it over, Audrey? How long is my punishment? Is this a life sentence I’m serving, or do I get time off for good behavior?”
She jerks back, obviously taken off guard. “I didn’t realize Lucas was a punishment to you. I was under the assumption that you loved my brother,” she accuses, fuming.
“You know I love Lucas. But loving someone and being in love are two very different things. And have you ever wondered how Lucas feels about me?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Do you know how long it’s been since Lucas has kissed me? Hugged me? Told me he loves me? Years, Audrey. Fucking years! He’s no more in love with me than I am with him. How long can a person exist without touch … or affection of any kind?” I press my lips together and seethe with anger.
“I didn’t know…” Audrey whispers, looking more lost than she should. It makes me wonder how closely she paid attention all these years.
“You didn’t want to know!”
Her eyes flame at my accusation, my words putting her on the defensive. “Don’t make me out to the be the bad guy in all of this. I’m not the one who kept everyone in the dark. I didn’t hide his illness from everyone who loves him until he slit his fucking wrists!”
“And you’ll never let me forget it, will you?” I whisper with a finger pointed at her chest. There it is, the ugly truth, laid out in the open. When push comes to shove, she blames me, just like her parents. “I was seventeen fucking years old, Audrey. Does that one decision have to dictate the rest of my life? I will always regret the part I played, but I’m not the villain either. I didn’t give him schizophrenia, but I sure as hell have dedicated my life to helping him. But you don’t see that, do you? I’ll always be the girl who helped your brother attempt suicide.”
“Of course not, Celia! Look, I’m sorry for what I said—I’m just angry and confused by all of this. You’re my best friend. I love you like a sister, and I don’t understand where all of this is coming from. In my mind, it’s always been you and Lucas, and I don’t know, I don’t know what to say,” Audrey cries.
“There’s nothing left to say. Cain’s moved on with his life, so none of this even matters. He’s with Kimberly now, and I lost my chance. I can’t turn back the clock and love him the way he deserves, but I’ll be damned if I feel guilty when I think about him. Being with him made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years. God, I could finally breathe, and laugh, and smile until my face hurt. Memories are all I have left, and I won’t let you ruin them.” I turn on my heel and keep walking to my house, craving the solitude for once.
“Celia, wait—” she cries out.
I shake my head and raise my arm to stop her. “Don’t, Audrey, just don’t. I want to be left alone.”
I slam my front door and inhale a breath so large, my lungs ache at the pressure. I blow out and suck in again with a smile. There are no tears tonight. Because, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel free from the lies … the regret … the chains.
“Who I Wanted To Be” by Erick Baker
Present Day
“I’LL WALK YOU to your door,” I say robotically, leg shaking and eyes trained on the front windshield.
I cringe as she brings a single finger to my shoulder and trails it down my arm. “If you come inside, I promise I’ll make it worth your while,” Kimberly whispers, her tone laced with seduction and cheap innuendo.
The grating quality of her voice is unbearable. She’s a shrill dog whistle, and I’m a goddamn bloodhound. How the fuck did I listen to her for this long?
“Not gonna happen.” I give a slight shake of my head and remain facing forward.
She expels a loud huff with an unattractive whine attached to the end of it, and I can see her arms flailing in exasperation in my periphery. “Well, let’s hear it. This should be interesting. What’s the excuse this time? Have to be up early for church? Are you on the rag? Is your vagina broken, Cain?”