“Hey, what was that for?” she whines.
“Just trying to wake you up from your fantasy, my dear friend,” I reply with a laugh.
My hands fall slack at my sides when Cain walks into the hallway with Adam in tow. Our eyes meet, and I smile without thought. His expression is pained, and so unlike the Cain I know. It’s been a week since our argument at the party, and I haven’t heard a word from him … or Audrey, strangely enough.
Marlo tosses a stress ball at Adam’s head as a hello, but keeps gossiping with the girls. Adam catches the ball mid-air, tosses it between his legs, and lobs Marlo right in the boobs. He gets a high five from Cain for his efforts, and Cain almost smiles. Almost.
The main office area of the clinic is a wide-open space with desks littered throughout, and Adam and Cain sit down at one just out of earshot, no matter how hard I crane my ear. I resist the urge to shush the girls so I can tune in.
I seize the opportunity when Adam takes off toward the restroom, despite a warning glare from Marlo. I know our last encounter was anything but pleasant, but I give her a reassuring nod to suggest I have everything under control. Yeah, she doesn’t look convinced.
“Hey,” I say softly as I approach, and I swear he let’s out a frustrated sigh when he notices me standing there. I’m not deterred. “How’s it going?”
“Fine,” he says, with a raise of his eyebrows and a slight shoulder shrug.
“I took Eddie to the fig fields yesterday. Oh my gosh, Cain, you should have seen her,” I say with a high-pitched laugh. “It was a downpour of feathers and orange fur. Poor darling looked like she had the mange by the time we left.”
He says nothing. Not a damn word.
“Look, about the other night,” I say, a tremble in my voice. “I’m really sorry…”
“Don’t.”
One word. That’s all he gives me.
“I just want you to know—”
He stares at the floor and crosses his arms. “I just can’t do this with you, Celia. I’m sorry, but I can’t know anything else right now, okay?”
My jaw drops, surprised by his response. Cain has never shut me down before. He may not like what I have to say, but he always lets me say it.
Adam walks up behind Cain and slaps him on the back. “Hey Cece,” he says cheerfully, unaware of the exchange while he was gone. “Ready, Cain?”
“Yeah, man,” Cain mumbles, heading to the door without another word.
Adam watches Cain’s back for a moment, and then shifts questioning eyes in my direction. I must look pitiful because his expression softens and he wraps me in a bear hug.
“Give him some time,” Adam whispers, laying a kiss to the top of my head before following after Cain.
After the front door bell jingles, announcing the departure of the men, Marlo lets out a long, low whistle.
“I’m not a big fan of watching train wrecks, girl, and you two are a head-on collision waiting to happen lately.” Marlo shakes her head in disappointment. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but where’s the Cain and Celia who sprinkle glitter and shit rainbows. I want those two back.”
I shrug my slumped shoulders. “Yeah, me too.”
“Hey Trevor, how’s it going today?” I smile and grab a pen to fill out the visitation log. “I know Audrey isn’t here yet, but she should be driving up any second.”
Trevor lays his hand on top of the clipboard and pulls it to him with a nervous smile. Confused, I pull it back toward me, and he shakes his head.
“I’m so sorry, Cece, but I can’t let you in to see Lucas today.”
I shake my head and laugh. “She’ll be here any minute. I know she needs to be here, but—”
“That’s not the problem. It’s just that … look, I’m sorry, but … you’re no longer on Lucas’s list of approved visitors, chaperoned or otherwise.” Trevor’s voice trembles slightly as he delivers the blow.
“Get them on the phone,” I say, fuming.
“Wh-what?”
“Get Cindy and Gene Landry on the phone right now. They can’t … just do this! It’s not fair to me or Lucas.” My voice is frantic, even to my own ears, and tears threaten. I grip the counter for balance and peer out the front door, praying Audrey shows up and helps me fix this mess. Her parents never cease to amaze me with how despicable they can be.
Trevor lays a hand on top of mine and squeezes. “Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it wasn’t Mr. and Mrs. Landry’s decision.”
“Then who?” I demand, ready and willing to fight.
“Celia, Lucas took you off the visitors’ list himself.”
I sit slumped in a waiting room chair, sitting in a puddle of my tears and hysterics when Audrey returns from seeing Lucas. Her downturned lips tell me everything I need to know.
He doesn’t want to see me.
I crumple, my arms wrapping around my knees and my head falling to my lap. My sobs come in waves, one rolling into the other as Audrey rubs my back.
“He won’t budge, Cece. I’m sorry,” Audrey says, her own voice cracking with emotion. “I need you to be patient.”
“Patient?” I cry, looking up at her. “You think I haven’t been patient?”
“I know you have. I just need some time to fix this.” She lifts my face, and her thumbs wipe the mascara-blackened tears from my cheeks as she smiles. “I’m going to fix everything, I promise.”
Her empty words do nothing to calm me. Promises are the poison in my life, the knives cutting deep gashes into my heart, the vortex swallowing the deepest parts of my soul, and Audrey can just add hers to the pile.
I fall to my knees in front of the chiseled marble, one finger tracing her name, the other clutching my necklace.
Eleanor Catherine Lemaire
Beloved Mother and Grandmother
“Grams, sometimes being without you is like holding my breath underwater. Lately it feels like I can’t break the surface,” I sob.
The steady hum of passing cars is the only sound. People hurriedly drive from one place to the other, oblivious to the loneliness and regret snaking its way through my veins.
“Part of me hopes you can’t see me now, because I’m afraid you would be disappointed in who I’ve become. All these years, I thought I was making the right choices—doing the right thing, but it turns out I’ve never made a choice at all. I let momentum guide me. I’ve been a passenger in my own life, rolling with the tide, never making the hard calls, and now I’m left all alone, with no one to blame but myself. I pushed Cain away time and again. I didn’t fight hard enough for Lucas. I let his parents write the rules, and I played along like a fool. How did I get here? When I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize who I’ve become, Grams. You taught me to fight, and all I keep doing is laying down.”
I wish she could hold me in her arms, soft and loving, while giving me the hard truth. She was always an expert at that. You know the answer, Celia; it’s just easier for you to ignore it. She possessed an expertly tuned internal barometer, allowing her to give the right amount of tough love while holding my heart carefully in her hands. It’s time to make her proud.
I’ve lived a life overrun with gravity and momentum. My choices run parallel with the current of circumstance. Not anymore. I’m through with gravity. I loathe momentum. I crave the turbulence of emotions. I want the push, the pull, the ache, the fall.
I want the storms.