His sympathetic look says it all. I release his hand and try to stand, but he catches my arm before I can get away.
“No, Lucas! I don’t understand how you could shut me out. I know I’ve made mistakes, but what have I done to deserve this?” I cry, trying unsuccessfully to keep my temper in check.
“Please, just give me a chance to explain. It’s not what you think.” Lucas scrubs his hand over his face and leans his elbows on his knees. He looks out onto the water. “I wanted you to be proud of me again, Celia. I wanted to give the meds, the therapy, all of it, a fair shot and show you I’m more than my disease. You’ve watched me struggle for so many years. Just for once, I wanted you to see me succeed.”
His confession grips me, makes me wish for a different life for him … an easier life.
“I thought you were angry with me—that you’d cut me out of your life,” I confess with a trembling voice.
Lucas turns to face me and grabs my hands. “I’d never want that. I can’t do this without you. But, just for once, I wanted you to look at me without pity. I wanted to surprise you with how much I’m improving.”
I nod, my anger waning. While I understand his reasoning, it’s obvious he never gave much thought to how his actions would affect me. For someone like me, with no family, my friendships mean everything to me. Severing a tie with someone as important to me as Lucas? The pain of that loss has been staggering. I don’t know if he’ll ever understand how deeply he hurt me. But when I look at him, I can’t deny the fact that I am proud of him. He’s focused and clear for the first time in as long as I can remember.
I lower my feet into the water and splash a few times, the coolness coating my feet. Lucas smiles and follows suit after rolling up his pants. I kick a bit of water his way, and he laughs, sounding happy and free. It’s a beautiful sound.
“I need you to tell me from the beginning. What started all of this? Did your parents have a change of heart?”
Lucas lets out a humorless chuckle. “Not so much a change of heart as a change in perspective. When a high-powered attorney threatens to make a splash about the parents who locked their son away for years, and the legal fight for the boy’s freedom, said parents tend to loosen the leash on their batshit crazy son.”
“Don’t say that,” I argue, but Lucas holds up his hand to quiet me.
“I’m just joking, Celia. You’re so cute—you’ll even defend me to me,” he laughs. “Anyway, it turns out things look more favorable for Cindy and Gene if they can tell their friends they’re doing everything in their power to help their sick son. Leverage is a wonderful thing.”
“So, just like that, you started taking meds and showing up for therapy?”
Truly, could it have been that easy? Years of fighting tooth and nail, and everyone folds with one little threat? I can’t believe that.
“Nah, you know me better than that. I didn’t go down without a fight. Doc had a list of meds for me to take, and after researching the hell out of each of them in his office, I agreed to about a third of what he prescribed. I sat in there for hours,” he admits with a smirk. “I know the old bastard wanted to kill me. After a few days on the meds, I felt like utter shit, completely dead inside. My thoughts were like tar. Everything in my mind came to a screeching halt.”
“It can take some time to find the right dosages, Lucas. The right med—”
“I know, really, I do,” he interrupts. “Because no matter how empty I felt, the voices were gone.”
“The hallucinations?”
“Ah, well, practice makes perfect. I still see mice running across the floors, but they are of the rainbow family. No snarling teeth and mangy fur. You win some, you lose some,” he says with a laugh. “But the cool thing about Doc is he listens to me. We’ve been tweaking the dosages for weeks, and I feel better every day. Instead of feeling hollow, I’m beginning to feel focused.”
“That’s so amazing, Lucas. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. I know you took a giant leap of faith, but it’s going to pay off, I know it.” Hope bubbles up within me, and I beam at him. I’ve wished for this type of cooperation since the day he was diagnosed. I was beginning to think it would never happen.
He lowers his eyes and focuses on his fingers clasped in his lap. “Now that I’m granted supervised computer time, I’ve started looking into some online college courses. I know it’s not MIT, but it’s a start. I can feel the tide changing, Celia. I’m finally on the right track.”
We clasp hands and splash our feet, and enjoy a few moments of silence. I see a few fish bubbling up to the surface. I jump up and dig through Cain’s ice chest, returning with a few sandwiches in hand. I tear open the wrappers and drop tiny bits of bread into the water. The fish waste no time gobbling them up.
“Hmmm,” Lucas says with a grin. “Cain won’t be happy with you for feeding them. Fish with full bellies are much harder to catch.”
“Ah, he’ll forgive me,” I giggle, as I sprinkle more bread into the water.
Lucas nods. “I think he’ll forgive you for just about anything. You know he loves you…”
His last words come out softer, heavily weighted with years of denial. We’ve spent ages turning a blind eye to the changes in our relationship, and Cain serves as a bright, shining beacon, demanding to be seen.
“Yes, I know,” I admit, looking him straight in the eyes.
“And you love him, too?” He doesn’t look hurt, only hopeful. That alone speaks volumes about the man he is—he’s hopeful for me, even if my happiness isn’t with him.
“Yes. Very much,” I whisper. He deserves my complete honesty. I love him enough to tell him the truth.
He holds my face with both hands and swipes his thumbs through the tears running down my cheeks. He smiles his gentle smile. “No tears today, okay?”
I lower my head and nod. “Okay.”
“You know, there’s one thing left for you and I to talk about.” He squeezes my neck to get my attention, and I look up to meet his eyes. “I’m afraid I have to break up with you, Celia.”
I shut my eyes and turn away from the ache. Who would have thought those simple words could hurt so badly?
“Hey, hey, don’t you start crying on me again,” he says with a gentle shake of my shoulders. “You and I both know that part of our relationship died years ago. We just never said the words. I’m saying them now, and I want you to move on with your life without all this guilt. I want you to be able to love Cain without feeling like I’m an albatross slung across your back. I never meant to be your burden, Celia.”
“But I feel so torn, Lucas,” I cry. “How do I leave you?”
“You don’t. You’re still my best friend … my family. Cain doesn’t strike me as a man who would ever ask you to turn your back on your family.” He shakes his head and smiles.
I think about the type of man I know Cain to be, and without a doubt, Lucas is right. He let me keep his family even when I carelessly threw him away. He’d never make me give up my own. Seeing him with Audrey and Lucas today, it seems as if he’s already adopted them, his heart is just that big.
“I know you’re right. He’d never ask that of me.”
“See, you can’t get rid of me that easy,” he says with a laugh.
I rest my head on his shoulder and watch him feed the fish. “I’d never want to,” I whisper.
“You know, there’s someone out there for me, too, Cece. It just isn’t you—and that’s okay.”
He tears open the next sandwich, rips it in half, and hands me a piece. I take my half from him, and raise it in the air. “Here’s to first loves and last loves.”
He raises his sandwich. “Here’s to breaking up.”
We knock them together before taking a bite. “Here’s to breaking up!” I laugh and chew at the same time.