The organza and lace choked me, smothered me with its Vera Wang claws, and had me hyperventilating on the floor. "Off. Off," I panted, hands fumbling at the tiny pearl buttons that held me captive in the silky coffin. "Get this stupid thing off of me!"
Mandy was next to me instantly, her fingers hitting precise strings and buttons to get the fabric off my skin. "Okay, sweetie, okay. I'm taking it off," she whispered into my ear.
"Don't be so silly, Lexa. You look lovely, dear. If you're that worried about how you look, we could get you on one of those detox diets until the wedding. I bet you could lose all those extra pounds before you step one foot down the aisle."
Mandy and I both stiffened at the same time. Her hands up the back of my gown, me bent over; we must have looked the sight. "Hold me back, Mandy. I'm going to throttle her," I snapped.
"No. No. No, you won't." Mandy grabbed me by the waist and dropped the gown, which fell off me in one quick puff of fabric. "Calm down. Breathe. Just breathe." She stepped directly in front of me and cupped my face in her hands. "Look at me, Lex. What are you thinking?" Somewhere outside the walls of the store, a loud group of kids walked past, their voices happy and screeching, yet almost muted from so far away.
"I can't do this. I don't even know why I'm here. I can't marry someone who cheated on me, Mandy." I tilted my head to look past her. My mother stood with her hands covering her mouth, tears filling her eyes. Mrs. Trager next to her, eyes wide with shock. "I'm sorry. I need air," I said, grabbing my clothes and bolting out of the dressing room.
Yes, I ran through the front of the store yanking my shirt over my head (inside out and backwards), with my jeans and shoes in hand. No, I didn't think about it, it wasn't really a priority. All I wanted was air and to be out of that wedding gown.
By the time I reached the front door, I was hopping into my pants and stumbling out into the street, zipping up my zipper and gulping for air. The small crowd of teenagers I heard stood staring at me from the corner. All their laughter ceased.
I needed to think, and I certainly couldn't think with that stunning wedding gown on and my mother watching. Trager had said it was only one time.
Only one time.
He said it was only one time and that if I cancelled the wedding I'd be giving up our future for one silly little mistake. An accident. An ass fucking accident. I don't mean to be crass here, but that's what it was, it was exactly what I saw. It still lingered in my vision as if it were burned into the back of my eyelids. It made me want to pour bleach into my eyes and scrub them clean.
I drove home enraged and on a mission. Every stupid love song that had ever been created sobbed out of my car speakers.
The truth was I didn't want to forgive and I couldn’t forget. May God forgive me, but I didn't want to spend my life in a marriage where I would wonder constantly if my husband was doing something I knew him capable of once doing. Mistake or not. So, I needed more. I needed proof, because I knew in my heart that the whole 'only one time' had to be a lie. Just like everything else that fell out of Kevin's mouth…all lies.
I stormed through my apartment on a mission: find proof. I searched through clothes, drawers, receipts, and calendars: nothing. Then I turned on his laptop. The idiot always used the same password for everything: moneyman789.
That was all I needed.
As I scrolled through the countless porn and disgusting emails detailing their not only one time affair, my phone buzzed.
Kevin.
"Hello," I sung sweetly into the phone. My heart pounded in my chest. My stomach flipped and churned. Screaming at him and crying was all I wanted to do, but I held back, held myself together, and clenched my teeth.
"Babe? My mom said you left the fitting. I thought we we're getting past this. I love you. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better about this situation," he pleaded.
"Okay. I need the truth to make this decision; I want to know all the lies Kevin. No more games." Calm. Deep breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out.
"Come on, babe; leave your fact checking for work."
I hate you! I hate you for hurting me you stupid, stupid, stupid fool! Tears trailed down my cheeks.
"Lex, it was just that one time. Only last Wednesday. I swear. I swear on everything. I promise you, baby."
"Really?" Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. I will never forgive you.
"Hey, you know the scene in that famous movie, the one where the guy tells the girl how he feels and he holds up that big radio? Well, it's like that. That's how I feel about you. And I want to marry you so bad."
"You can't even tell me in your own words, can you?" I barked out a laugh.
"I'm not good with words, Lex. You're too good for my silly words. Come on, just forget about this, okay?"
"I don't want to play games, Kevin," I snapped.
"No games, baby. No games. I love you. Now get back to your fitting so you can look hot for me on our wedding day."
As soon as we hung up, I dialed another number and cried while listening to the phone ring, "Hello. Dream Wedding Planners. How may I help you?"
"Hello? Laura? This is Lexa Novak," I chirped through my tears.
"Hi, Lexa! Are we excited? Only a few more days!" she sang, her words full of joy. I wanted to reach right into the phone and punch her in her cheerful little throat.
"Yeah, about that. I'm going to need to cancel the wedding," I said in an eerily calm voice.
"If this is a joke, Miss Novak, it's not really a funny one," she said in a low voice.
"I really wish I were joking, Laura. But I can't get married now."
"Well, how about a reschedule then? If you cancel now you will lose all your money, but if you reschedule, I might be able to pull some strings and..."
"He cheated on me. I won't be rescheduling any wedding with him," I snapped. She gasped and coughed out an apology.
"Lexa, hun. We can't cancel the wedding. We have five thousand dollars worth of flowers being made, guests are flying in; you need to just take a few days and rethink this," she said hesitantly.
"Cancel it," I said, gritting my teeth.
"Hun, you are going to pay for all of it, whether you cancel or not. It's too late for refunds. You should just go through with the wedding and fix your problems after it," she huffed. "I just spoke on the phone with your mother-in-law this morning and there were no problems then, dear."
"Then she could marry her cheating bastard of a son," I yelled into the phone.
"Okay. Let's not do anything rash. Take a few days and think this through. You're talking about thousands of dollars."
I hung up on her. I understood completely. I was going to lose a lot of money because of his mistake.
With eyes out of focus from crying, I sat curled into a ball on my couch. I rubbed at my vision, trying to remember anything from the relationship worth holding on to. Nothing came to mind. My eyes roamed the apartment and I smiled to myself. No, nothing came to mind. Sophia could have him.
My phone chirped. I hoped it wasn't Kevin or anyone from my family who would try to persuade me to change my mind, because I had a lot to get done in very little time. I looked down at my phone.
How did James get my number?
My next phone conversation was to my building's superintendent. Within an hour, my locks were changed and a sign was hung on my door. And no more tears would be shed for Trager the Mailroom Guy—ever again.
I stood in front of the note on the door, smiling and feeling a bit better. I knew I made the right choice.
To my EX-fiancé, Kevin Trager,