“Open this door right now, you tramp! I know you’ve got my husband in there!”
Zeus paled. “It’s Hera.”
“What was your first clue?” Claire snapped, furious that the Lord of Olympus had involved her in such a humiliating situation. “I’ll stall her, you get back to your own room.”
“How? She’s right outside the door.”
“How did you get into my tub?”
His face brightened. “The tub. Right.” Staggering back to it, he stepped inside and pulled the shower curtain closed. “I’ll hide in here. You get rid of her.”
Claire yanked the shower curtain open. “I meant that you should disappear the same way you appeared.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“I’m old. Do you have any idea how much effort that took?” His lower lip went out in a classic pout. “Not that you appreciated it.”
“Keeper, I’m warning you!” Mere wood and plaster did little to hinder Hera’s volume. “Open this door, or I’ll blow it off its hinges!”
“Can she?” Claire demanded.
Zeus shrugged. “Probably not.”
“All right. I’ve had enough. Get out of there.”
“But…”
“Now.”
Muttering under his breath, the god obeyed.
Once he stood squarely on the bath mat, Claire grabbed his wrist and dragged him, mat and all, toward her sitting room.
“Where are we going?”
“We’re going to explain this whole mess to your wife.” Working one-handed, she released the wards around the sitting-room door. “This is your problem, not mine.”
Zeus winced. “Actually, Keeper, if you’ve studied the classics, you’ll know that’s not how it usually…”
The door crashed open.
Framed in the doorway, her eyes blazing, Hera shook her hands free of the feathers trimming the sleeves of her peignoir and pointed a trembling finger at Claire. “I knew it, another one who can’t keep her hands off him!”
“That’s not…”
“Well, I know how to deal with you, you hussy, don’t for a moment think that I don’t!”
“Hera, I was asleep. I found him in my bathroom.”
The goddess’ lips thinned to invisibility. “That’s what they all say.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Ha!”
Claire could feel the possibilities expanding in unfamiliar ways. Yanking Zeus another couple of feet forward, she thrust him toward his wife. “Tell her!”
“I’m so sorry, my little myrtle leaf.” Clutching the towel, he scuttled to Hera’s side. “I was lured!”
“Shut up, you old goat I’ll deal with you later. But for now…” The finger still pointing at Claire began to tremble. “…we’ll see how many husbands you seduce as a linden tree!”
The world twisted sideways.
When Claire could see again, everything seemed strangely two-dimensional. And green. By concentrating on where her neck should be, she lowered her head and took a look at her body. She wasn’t a linden tree. She rather thought she was a dieffenbachia. And pot-bound at that.
“Isn’t that a house plant, ray love?”
“Shut up,” Hera snarled. “I know what it is.”
How dare she! Claire thought, leaves rustling. How dare she assume that I would ever have anything to do with that dirty old man!
A number of white flies with glowing red eyes, settled down on her stem. ANGER IS ONE OF OURS.
I know that. Carefully reaching toward the middle of the possibilities, Claire began to pull power. When she regained her own body, she was going to…
REVENGE IS ALSO ONE OF OURS.
Who asked you? Vaguely aware of a vibration in her fake terra-cotta pot, Claire swiveled her stem toward the doorway as Austin and Hermes pounded into the sitting room. Oh, great. An audience. How much more embarrassing can this get?
Hermes took one look at Claire and whirled to face Zeus. “Dad! What have you done?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“It’s always you!”
More vibration. Heavier, mortal footprints. Well, I guess that answers my previous question. She needed watering and that made it difficult to concentrate but she tried to pull power faster before anyone else showed up to see her like this.
“Boss? I heard shouting. Are you all right?” Wearing his jeans, his glasses, and not much else, Dean looked around at the assembled company, eyes widening when he took in Zeus’ equivalent state of undress. “Where’s Claire?”
“Down here.” Austin rubbed against her pot.
“She’s shrunk, then?”
“She’s a plant.”
What are you looking at me for? Claire wondered. When he tried to touch a leaf, she snatched it away from his fingers.
He straightened. “Why?”
“Because my father,” Hermes answered, “can’t keep his withered old pecker in his pants.”
“Here now, a little respect,” Zeus began, but when he saw the expression on Dean’s face, his voice trailed off and he sidled over behind Hera.
Weight forward on the balls of his feet, Dean brought his hands up, fingers not quite fists. “Change her back.”
Hermes sighed. “As attractive as all that flexing is, it’s not going to get you anywhere. At least not right now,” he amended, glancing over at his father and Hera. “Let me deal with this.” Adjusting the belt of his bathrobe, he fixed the Goddess of Marriage with a steely glare. “Try to remember this isn’t some mortal or nymph you’re unjustly accusing here. Even in a vegetative state, this is a Keeper. Eventually, she’ll change herself back.”
Hera sniffed. “I don’t believe you.”
“Then believe the cat. Would he be so calm if Claire’s form were dependent on your whim?”
Austin yawned.
“Dean.” Hermes turned around, came face to muscle with Dean’s chest and took a moment to reengage cognitive faculties. “You know Claire better than I do. How do you think she feels about all this?”
“About being a plant?”
“Yes. Do you think she’ll be angry when she’s herself again.”
“Oh, yeah.”
Hermes shifted his attention to the goddess. “Change her back, Hera. Or you’re going to have to deal with an angry Keeper.”
“What can she do?”
“She can confine everyone to Olympus. For all the years of her life, it’ll be nothing but shuffleboard, listening to Ares screw up the plots of old war movies, and actually looking forward to the night the Valkyrie come by for choral singing.”
The goddess folded her arms. “So what.”
Austin stretched and stood. “She can also cancel your cable.”
Round circles of rouge stood out against suddenly pale skin.
“She didn’t know what she was doing, lambie-kins.” Zeus reached out a tentative hand and patted his wife’s arm. “Change her back. For me.”
“For you?” Penciled brows drew in, wrinkles falling into their accustomed place. “All right. Since you got her into this, I’ll change her back for you.”
He started for the door.
Hera grabbed the two, three-foot eyebrow hairs and yanked him back to her side, her other hand gesturing toward Claire.
The world didn’t so much twist as flicker.
Fortunately, Claire had already pulled nearly enough power to effect the change on her own. Using the path Hera had opened, she stretched, straightened, and felt her lips draw back off her teeth. She couldn’t remember ever being so angry.
Hell’s silence stopped her after a single step. She could feel how much it was enjoying itself at her expense. Breathing heavily, she smoothed her pajamas and forced a smile. “Thank you for your intervention, Hermes. Now go to bed. All of you.”
YOU STILL WANT TO SMASH THEM.
“Extra points for overcoming temptation,” Claire told it. When the ex-Olympians hesitated, she added, “I’m going to try to forget this ever happened.”