But because of those same reasons, I lost him.
Now I would give up Tristan so I could find Seth again. And this time I would keep him.
Still, tonight was Tristan’s. The last of our nights like this.
I looked up at him from under my heavily mascara-ed lashes and pressed my lips together. There were so many things I needed to say, but I didn’t want to ruin the night.
Without looking down at me he sighed and said, “I know.”
His resigned tone caught me off guard and I felt the tears immediately prick at my eyes. “What do you know?”
He didn’t answer, but slowly turned to look at me. His eyes were so brightly green and soul-searching I felt completely exposed under his gaze. He leaned forward until his head rested against mine. When I breathed in, it was entirely him- his scent, his essence, his love.
“You’ve ruined me forever, you know that, right?” he asked in a husky rumble.
I shook my head slowly so I wouldn’t break our gentle contact. “Not forever,” I promised.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he breathed and the force of his conviction shook me to my bones.
His lips brushed against mine, so gently I barely felt them at first. I felt him shiver against the contact and then his mouth was on mine firmly. His soft, full lips pressed against mine with a quiet, demanding desperation. I kissed him back, feeling years and years of wanting and longing click into place and finally find fulfillment.
He tasted as perfect as I had always imagined. His kisses were as needy and hungry as mine. His tongue swept mine with a possessive power that I would remember forever- no matter what happened from this moment on; I had this perfect kiss to remember Tristan by.
And I would. I would always remember Tristan and this flawless moment.
His hand reached up to cup my jaw, the other sliding around my back and pulling me closer so that my chest pressed against his completely. His mouth moved against mine, stoking a growing fire that had been building forever. I tasted him, savored him, consumed him as greedily as I had always wanted to.
I reached up and allowed my hands to feel him like this, like I had always wanted to. This wasn’t a friendly hand hold or an innocent hug. This was the culmination of a lifetime of feelings for each other we had always denied ourselves, always ignored in the shadow of a fate I never really wanted until recently. His chest was hot and hard under my fingers, even through his layers of nice clothing I could feel the defined muscle that made him up.
I slid my hands slowly over him, feeling every inch of his delicious chest and then wrapped them around his neck. His short hair tickled the pads of my fingers, and I allowed myself to caress the back of his head, whimpering as he deepened the kiss.
The world- my life, my entire existence- had shrunk into this one moment, into the feel of Tristan’s lips against mine; his body pressed tightly to mine and the steady draw of my heart and hopes for a future that could never be from my soul into his.
I would take this moment with me and treasure it forever. It didn’t matter that I was giving him up or that this kiss meant goodbye. A part of me would always love Tristan. But we were a future that could never be. We were a love that couldn’t compete with the depth of feeling I had for Seth standing between us.
So even while it was love, it wasn’t enough to sustain the rest of my life. It was real, and honest, but it wasn’t the end-all love I was meant to feel.
It wasn’t the love that would get me through the very difficult destiny that laid out before me.
I was embarrassed at the two traitorous tears that fell from my eyes, landing hotly on my cheeks and ruining my makeup. Tristan felt them, or sensed them- I wasn’t sure- and immediately kissed them away. And when his lips returned to mine they were salty and wet from the evidence of my heartache.
With a last punishing push of exposed emotion, Tristan branded his love against my lips so that I would never forget him. There was a climax to our kiss that screamed our feelings for each other, the fullness of finally tasting each other while the world crumbled around us, and the utter heartbreak that would shatter us when we pulled apart.
It was as innocent as it was hungry and passionate. It was as perfect as it was soul-wrenching and torturous. It was as lasting as it was temporary. It was as much a beginning as it was the end.
Eventually, Tristan pulled back and I gazed up into the eyes of a man that I believed was the greatest man I knew. The entire reason I fell in love with humanity was because I fell in love with him first.
His eyes were dark with a greedy hunger and his lips were swollen and lovely.
“I love you, Stella,” he growled while unshed tears shimmered in his forest green eyes.
“I love you, too,” I whispered at the same time my heart fell out of my chest and splintered into a million pieces. “I will always love you.”
I reached up and cupped his smooth jaw. He leaned into my touch and closed his eyes, depriving me of his consuming gaze. He shuddered under my hand and I immediately went up on my knees and wrapped my arms around him. His arms went around my waist and we held each other like that for as long as we had kissed.
The sun set while we stayed like that, the Stars came out and the dark of night enshrouded us. We were living in our own world, existing in a reality that only included us. But there wasn’t a moment that ticked by when we didn’t realize we would have to come back, when we weren’t severely aware that in only a few more moments we would have to give each other up.
He pulled away first, looking up at me with a resigned pain that cut me quickly to the core. “We missed our dinner reservations.”
I laughed with a release of adrenaline and emotion. “I’m not hungry anyway.” I sat back down and leaned into him.
“Let’s go to the dance,” Tristan suggested.
“Yeah? You still want to go?” My voice was a shallow shell of my crushed soul.
More confidently and sounding more like himself he said, “Yeah, I do. I want this night.”
I pulled back and smiled. I couldn’t help it. I wanted this night too. “K.”
“K.” he echoed.
He hopped off the truck and turned around to help me down. Lifting me from the waist, he set me back on the solid ground but didn’t let go. “Remember me, Stella.”
“Always,” I swore. “I will always have this.”
He pressed another gentle, claiming kiss to my lips. I breathed him in one last time and let myself get swept away by feelings for a boy that could never be. He would always be my first love.
He just couldn’t be my last.
He helped me into the cab of his truck and then grabbed the blanket and closed the truck gate. Before I knew it we were back on the main highway and headed toward school and the prom.
Prom was supposed to be this major event in my life, in my youth. But it would pale in comparison to these stolen moments with Tristan. And I had to wonder if the rest of my human moments would all shrink in the shadow of the greatness of that kiss, in the culmination of a love that would only fade after today.
There was so much joy and fulfillment in finally being open with Tristan, in finally taking our relationship to where it always wanted to go. But there was so much heartache that accompanied it.
That was it. The grand finale. And every moment after this we were both willingly and openly walking away from each other and the intense feelings that tied us together.
And while I was definitely and completely traumatized, I was also already healing. Tristan and I were never meant to be. There was something strong and powerful in giving that up, in fully embracing the life I was supposed to have.