“HE’S DEAD! THE SERGEANT’S FUCKING DEAD!”
The color drained from the lanky man’s face. “What happened?”
“HE FUCKING SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD GODDAMMIT!”
“We went to check on him because we didn’t hear him walking around,” Wills said, drawing all eyes toward him. “That’s when we found him.”
“Are you sure he’s dead?” Erik asked, heading toward the stairs.
“OF COURSE HE’S DEAD!” Kirn screamed.
Dakota pushed his way forward as the small group of men descended the stairs. Behind him, a door opened and Steve and Ian peered over the banister, but Dakota paid little attention. He only stopped in place when the door to Jamie’s room opened and Jamie stepped out.
“What’s going on?” Jamie asked.
“The sergeant’s dead,” Erik said.
“What?”
“Kirn and Wills found him this morning. I’m going to check now.”
Together, they pressed forward, toward a single door that stood at the end of the hallway.
Roberts pushed his hand forward. His fingers latched around the doorknob. A cloud of flies and the smell of death surged forward as the door was opened.
It took Private Roberts only one look at the body. “He’s dead,” he confirmed.
Kirn wailed.
A black hand crept over Dakota’s shoulder.
So, it said. It’s begun.
Jamie set a hand on his shoulder.
It’s all good, that touch said.
Dickinson said it once.
Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for Me.
Kirn and Wills removed the body. Tossed into a bag and loaded into a jeep outside, the sergeant’s death seemed little more than elementary, a process previously repeated, but never truly accomplished. It would be taken into the park, Erik said, and buried near a memorial.
“We honor our dead,” Jamie had said.
And honor them they would.
Seated in a chair far away from the scene of the crime, Dakota watched as Jamie paced back and forth across the rooms. The windows were open, harbingers of the fresh and new, and the mattress stood bare, testament to a life cut short. Any blood and brain matter that had been on the wall was long since gone, though who removed it, Dakota didn’t know. It didn’t particularly matter when a man whose emotions were already in heartstrings was walking back and forth with a hurt look on his face.
Dakota had no idea how to console the man. In the last week, he’d gone against his better intuition and had continued to visit Jamie, partially for the company, but mostly to show that he cared. While he felt he’d grown closer to the soldier in that time, he didn’t think it allowed him any insight as to how to comfort him.
Hurt beyond words and unsure of what to do, he stood and did the only thing he could—stepped forward to offer his support.
“Will you be all right?” Dakota asked.
Jamie turned his head up. His sad, brown eyes looked like depthless pools of black water. “I’ll live,” he said.
“You can’t help what he did, Jamie.”
“No, but I should’ve known something was wrong.”
“How?”
Jamie pushed a note toward him. “Read it.”
Blood stained the legal pad’s intricate floral lining, but didn’t make the note any less readable.
My cancer is what’s forced me to do this.
Dakota stopped reading. He looked at Jamie to see if he could find any change in his demeanor, but quickly bowed his head when a tear slid down the man’s cheek.
He continued reading.
To those of you who may be reading this, or to those of you who will, I want to say one thing and one thing only: You are strong, quite possibly stronger than I was even in the prime of my life. I tried to keep my spirits high and my will thick since my treatment ended the day New York City was hit by the worst catastrophe of the human race, but as life foretells, most good things eventually come to an end.
By the time you read this, I will have killed myself after my remaining testicle fell off.
“Jamie,” Dakota started.
“Keep reading.”
Even though my pain was unbearable, and even though I felt as though my heart was crumbling, I had no right to terrorize the people I was supposed to be protecting, nor was there a purpose to the suffering I inflicted upon Corporal James Marks. If you read this, Corporal, know that my anger was not directed toward you, but at the thing that festered inside of me up until the moment I died.
To all of those who are reading this, will be reading this and will read this in the future, please take note—by the classification of the United States Military, order of duty will be assigned to the next highest ranking officer. That is Corporal Marks. He will lead you to victory. He will keep you safe.
I wish you luck in your quest. God may be dead, but we are not.
“It’s a tough thing to handle,” Jamie said, accepting the pad back when Dakota passed it forward. “Knowing that he had so much faith in me, but wasn’t able to show it because of the pain he was going through.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Dakota said.
Jamie shook his head. Tears coursing down his face, he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around Dakota’s shoulders, and buried his face in his shirt. It took but a moment for the most horrible, heart-wrenching sound Dakota had ever heard in his life to tear its way from Jamie’s chest and echo throughout his ears. “God,” Jamie wailed, tightening his fingers in Dakota’s shirt. “Why me? Why me?”
“It’s ok,” Dakota said, setting his hands on the man’s ribcage. “Jamie… Jamie… listen to me, ok? It’s not your fault. Everything’s going to be just fine.”
“I don’t think I can handle this, Dakota. I just can’t!”
“Why not!”
“I’m not strong enough!” the man cried, pulling his face away. “I can’t keep living my life the way I am! I can’t deal with not knowing whether or not I’m going to wake up in the morning, if I’m going to fuck up and kill someone, if I can’t do something right. I can’t… I can’t…”
Jamie tangled his hands in Dakota’s hair and forced their lips together.
Dakota froze. Shocked, frightened, and more afraid than he’d ever been in his life, he simply stood there, unsure of what to do.
A moment later, Jamie pulled away, more tears coursing down his face. “I fucked up again,” he whispered. “I can’t do anything right.”
“What are you talking about?” Dakota asked, face drenched in another man’s tears.
“I have feelings for you, Dakota.”
“I… I…”
I do.
“I do too,” he said. “I have feelings for you too.”
Jamie wrapped his arms around Dakota’s shoulders.
A light lit in Dakota’s heart.
Is this it? he thought. Is this what it feels like to be loved?
He chose not to answer. He simply leaned forward and pressed his face into the other man’s neck.
“Everything ok?” Steve asked.
“No,” Dakota said, collapsing onto his bed. “He kissed me.”
“What?”
“When we were in the sergeant’s room. He kissed me.”
“I thought you said he wasn’t gay?”
“I thought so too,” Dakota said, the army man’s tears still warm on his face.
“How’d it happen?”
“He broke down, said he couldn’t go on living the way he did, how he couldn’t worry about whether or not he would get somebody killed or do the job right. Then he grabbed me and forced his lips on mine.”