I threw water on my face and regained my footing. I found her PJs and the ragged slippers and went through it all. The only thing I found of note was a small plastic purple house that looked like it belonged to a board game. I tried to imagine what significance it held for her. Did it remind her of her childhood? Was it a symbol of a perfect family and home life?
I laid on the floor and stared at the suicided girl under my bed and wondered just how I could have failed her so miserably.
——
I told the story seven times from start to finish, beginning with Cecil’s fatal overfeeding and ending when I phoned 911. I left out Emily’s attempt at seduction and my near enticement. The cops tried to shake me and couldn’t. They didn’t bother starting off acting friendly. They went straight to threats and shouted in my face and tried to get me to drink coffee so they could withhold bathroom privileges. They said they knew I’d killed Emily. They knew I’d tried to hide her body under my own bed. They knew I’d knocked off her parents and was perverted enough to move into the house afterward. They said she’d probably seen me do it and that’s why, all these years later, I’d felt the sudden burning compulsion to murder the only eyewitness.
After four hours they phoned my boss at the garage, told him about my past as a car thief, and had me fired. They got a little rough but didn’t seem to know how to go about it. One detective smacked me with a sloppy open palm. His hand was soft and smelled of aloe. Afterward, he looked like he wanted to apologize. Another cop tried to work my kidneys but he couldn’t find them. I didn’t know whether to be grateful or disgusted.
After nine hours they cut me loose. It was eight p.m. and I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in more than a day. I hadn’t even made it to the curb before I heard the roar of motorcycle engines heading up the street. I lit a cigarette and got in a nice, long drag before Dell and a half dozen of his men pulled up. He waved me over. If the brotherhood decided to play rough, they’d have no trouble working my kidneys. Their hands weren’t soft. I hesitated a moment and decided, fuck it, got on the back of his bike and held on as the pack moved as one back to the clubhouse.
——
They had warehouses all around town under false-front corporations and did most of their dirty dealings there, but they still had a nice security setup at the MC base. It was a converted barroom where they partied and schemed and got laid. It’s also where they got a little bloody when they had to. There was a back room with a stained concrete floor and a drain in the center. If it even looked like they were planning to corral me there, I was going to have to do something stupid and desperate.
Instead Dell led me to the bar while the other brothers went to shoot pool. On the far wall were photos of all the current members and all the ones who were in jail or dead. I was a little shocked to see that the dead now outnumbered the living.
Dell grabbed a bottle of Glenlivet off the top shelf and poured us each three fingers.
“Okay,” he said. “So tell me what happened.”
There was nothing inherently threatening in his attitude, but I knew better than to lie to him. I gave it to him pretty much the same way I gave it to the cops, except I also mentioned how she’d come on to me. I didn’t tell him I had nearly accepted the offer. I didn’t have to. I also didn’t tell him that I’d heard her say she was pregnant. That her voice had woken me—or Katy’s whispers had—an hour after the girl was dead.
I watched him closely. He went 220 of near-solid muscle, and his knuckles had been flattened from all the times he’d broken his hands in brawls. I couldn’t see any guns on him, but I knew he had to be packing at least two. There was no chance I’d get out alive if he decided this situation should go nuclear, but I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. I pulled the bottle closer to me and poured myself another two fingers. I kept the bottle within easy reach.
Dell said, “Thank you.”
It surprised me so much I asked, “For what?”
“For not kicking her out. For not calling the white wagon to come get her.”
A pause lengthened between us. I let it roll on and on until I felt it was time to ask, “Were you really her father?”
He shrugged his massive shoulders. “I don’t know. Probably not. It doesn’t make any difference.”
“It might have to her.”
“I kept in touch,” he said. “I visited her a couple times a year. Sent care packages. Cards on holidays, her birthday. It wasn’t much but it was something. I thought it was important.” He finished his drink and stared at himself in the mirror behind the bar for a minute. “Did she look in the root cellar?”
“No. At least I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure she didn’t know about that part of it.”
“That’s good.”
We kept drinking. The liquor was hitting me hard since I’d had no food for so long. I flashed on the idea that this might have been his intention all along, to catch me with my defenses down. Except he didn’t need me to have my defenses down. He had six men across the room who’d shotgun me to death if he gave the word.
“Where did she get the piece?” He wasn’t really asking me. “And what the hell was that about her parents under the bed?”
“She was a sick girl,” I said.
He pawed at his face and shook his head. “That image, it’s sticking with me. That she would dream that kind of stuff, man. She never told me anything like that. I can picture her trying to drop off, awake in the dark, thinking her parents were whispering under her bed. Jesus Christ, the poor kid. That fucking hospital. More than six years she was there, and this is the best they could do for her?”
The wind kicked up again. The bar rafters rasped and complained. The sound made me flinch. I finished another glass.
With my throat burning I said, “She needs me to find out who did it.”
As soon as it was out I knew I’d made a mistake. I spoke in the present tense. It was stupid. I sounded a little unhinged. The MC had more than enough crazy to go around; Dell didn’t need even more. But I couldn’t seem to stop. “I failed her. That’s going to hang with me unless I do something about it.”
“It’s not your burden.”
“I think it is.”
His heavy brow knit into a frown. “You’re not gonna find an answer. I’ve been trying for years and I haven’t found it. You think I haven’t looked into it? Just to clear my name?”
“Was that important to you?”
“It was to the brotherhood. I didn’t want any doubts. I couldn’t have my men thinking I would go rogue and kill our leader, even if it was for the good of the MC. It still crosses me up to this day. The original members, they forget what Ron and Katy were like at the time, the kind of trouble they hammered down on us. They just remember how much money he brought in and how good she could suck dick.”
He didn’t know about Emily being pregnant. He wouldn’t until the autopsy results came back. Then he’d understand why I was so adamant on trying to help her, and he’d be pissed at me for not telling him the whole truth. My gut clenched in expectation for a real beating, but that was for later.
“You’re not going to find an answer,” he repeated. “I don’t think there is one.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
The bottle was empty. Dell staggered to his feet, crossed behind the bar, and dug around on the shelf until he found a bottle of Glenfiddich. “You know the kind of life the brotherhood lives. Running guns, hijacking trucks, giving kickbacks to the cops, fighting the wops and the wetbacks and the Koreans and the skinheads. We have a lot of enemies. Ron brought most of that down on us before we managed to contain it. Katy, she had her own bad wiring. She screwed a lot of guys, right? There is no answer because it’s too small to see. It’s . . .” He had to steel himself to say the word properly.
“. . . inconsequential. Some greaser put out the call on them, or some cop who wanted more of a cut, or maybe some white-collar citizen blew his gasket.”