“Holy shit,” Paul shouts. “We’ve got a trail!”
He turns to throw his arms around me, but then he catches himself midway, remembering his anger.
His hands fall to his sides and his smile fades.
“It might mean something. It might not.”
I nod. He’s right, and anyway, even this great stroke of luck can’t turn his heart back toward me. I feel a sob in my throat, but I will not show him how he is hurting me. I just mouth, “Right.”
“We’ll follow the trail down a bit,” he says. “But it’s heading in the wrong direction if we want to cross the bridge. It might be easier walking, but it’s going to take us to the bottom of the valley. That’s a death march. We’d never make it back up.”
I regain my composure and take a deep breath as if I’m contemplating the landscape with him, but I’m honestly just checking the emotions roiling through my body. I am, I remind myself, coming off my meds. I might be supersensitive right now and attributing thoughts and feelings to him that are completely products of my own anxiety. And then I hear the Old Doctor: Push the voices aside, Jane; stop the second-guessing. Do what’s in front of you and focus on your true voice.
“I think there’s a reason people have set a marker here,” I say to him. “I think there’s a reason we’re seeing this.”
“Like God sent it to us.” Paul smiles condescendingly. “Lot of good that did us on the plane.”
“We’re still here, aren’t we?”
“Thanks to what-random seat placement? I certainly wasn’t the one praying or only you’d be here,” Paul says. I hate when he’s right and logical.
“Nobody knows anything, Paul.”
“Here’s what I know,” Paul says in a low, angry growl, like he’s letting out a decade of anger at the world, but at me because I’m the closest one to him. “God isn’t here. And he wasn’t in that plane. He wasn’t there when my mom or Will died or your dad whacked himself. He wasn’t there for Margaret or the captain or the others. And let’s say he was here, what made us so special? We’re a suicidal and an atheist, right? Why save us? Here’s the only truth I can be certain of right now: There’s a cold, icy world on the top of this mountain. Fall, you die; eat snow, you die; if you’re not found, you die. Those are the facts and God isn’t going to swoop in and change that. And just because there’s a triangle on a tree, carved by who knows who and who knows when, doesn’t mean it is going to lead us out of here. In fact, it could lead us down there to our deaths or back around from where we just came. Sometimes signs are just signs; sometimes they lead you in the wrong direction.”
There’s a long silence between us. I hate him for giving voice to a deep-seated doubt about the world that has lived inside me since the day my father offed himself. Relentless. Cold. Brutal. Doubt has no antidote, except maybe on days when you climb a mountain.
“I get it, Paul. My father’s dead and your brother’s dead, and nothing is changing that.” I stand there, directly in front of him. I don’t know where those words came from, but there they are, settling in the space between us, a swirl of words instead of snow. And then I add, “I’m wrong about a lot, and God knows I’m not a poster child for mental health, but I know a few things. Pain isn’t good, but it isn’t bad either. Hiding it, nurturing it-that’s what’s bad. That’s what I’ve been doing for years. And it’s toxic, rotting me from the inside out. But it’s rotting you too. You can’t hide from your father and use your brother’s and mother’s death as an excuse to do it.”
Rage fires his eyes for a moment and I fear for myself for just a second. I’ve gone too far. But the truth in it is pure. I can’t deny it.
“Just because you stole and read my brother’s letter doesn’t mean I fucking want to talk with you about it.”
“Have you asked yourself why you kept leaving that ‘fucking’ book out beside me?”
“Oh, is that the kind of thing you learned from your shrink?” He practically spits.
There’s a quiet between us that’s deep and still. He turns away and looks at the carved sign again. His body shakes with anger, but he doesn’t say anything else. Don’t say anything, Jane. I put my hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs me off immediately. Stand down, Jane.
“We’ll stay off trail.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Let’s go.”
An hour later, we near the bridge and we’ve made good time. The sun is high up in the sky, hidden behind a stampede of rolling white clouds coming down from the north. White and dense, they’re not storm clouds, but they keep the sun from warming us. The air temperature hovers around zero.
We push through dense brush, and there are thickets and prickers hiding under the snow that make walking very difficult.
The snow isn’t deep here because of a weird combination of the steepness of the mountain and the thick canopy of brush and leaves that cover the ground. But every step brings a new scratch on my legs, neck, or face. I try to bring my scarf up over my face, but it keeps getting caught and tangled. I put my arm across my nose, tucking it into my elbow, and use my other arm to separate and move through the bushes. Paul has been trudging through first, which is helpful, but there’s always backlash, and the moment he clears a path, it closes. I can only see two to three feet in front of me, and I realize that I’m essentially on my own. But unlike my initial foray up the cliff yesterday, I don’t feel an overriding sense of fear. I’ve survived worse already, and I can suffer the thorns and branches of this forest.
At one point, I hear a rustling below me, and I see a small rabbit caught under the pressure of a branch that my boot has just landed on. It is enough to pin the white rabbit into the snow, where she must have hidden herself. Her reddish eyes shine at me. I see terror, but I also see food.
I reach into the pocket of my coat and pull out one of the climbing sticks Paul carved for me the day before. I can feel the rabbit squirming even more. She must sense my thoughts, I think. She must know I aim to kill her and eat her. The thought of it makes my mouth salivate with hunger. I press down as hard as I can with my boot and I hear a little screech.
I raise the stick in the air and I plunge it into the neck of the rabbit and blood spurts out onto the snow. It struggles wildly for a second and then it lies flat. I reach inside my pockets and pull out one of the plastic bags we’d taken to keep stuff dry. I pick up the rabbit and toss it into the bag. I look at the blood on my hands and remember the day when my own blood covered my hands and arms. I did try to kill myself, I think. I’ve known the answer to Old Doctor’s question all along: The first time I tried to commit suicide wasn’t just a practice run. It was a step on a ladder. Dark seeds had been planted long ago on that Christmas Eve; and with each daydream and thought and, eventually, my practice runs, I climbed closer to killing myself. Had I not dreamed of copying my father or made those small cuts that first day, I could not have gotten on that plane with a handful of pills.
But I guess the opposite is true too: had I not taken that first step, I would not be who I am now: a fighter. I make a small promise to tell Old Doctor just that if I ever get out of here. “But why? That’s the question,” he’d say.
My thoughts are interrupted by a bloodcurdling yell, followed by a heavy thud. My adrenaline spikes and I run as fast as I can, crashing through the brush. A thorn rips across my face. I feel blood drip down my face and I lick it instinctively. It is salty and thick with iron.
I’m listening for Paul but hear no further screams or movement as I fight through the thick brush. A pricker bush hidden in the middle of the patch grabs hold of my jacket and yanks me back. The fabric tears, and I stop and slowly disentangle myself. The thorns lie deep in the shell. As I pull them out, feathers and stuffing follow. It takes more than a minute to pull free of everything.
Once free, I step backward out of the bush and move around it slowly, careful not to snag my jacket again. I push through a small clump of baby spruces, and that’s when I see what Paul did not: a hidden drop of about twenty or thirty feet. The jagged edges of the snow cover below betray what must be a bed of stones at its base. My knees buckle, and I have to reach out and grab a tree to keep myself from falling.