Deb seemed uncomfortable and searched for something else to say. “Dr. Weaver was in this morning. All of your tests came back great. They’re going to move you to the second floor today.”
“To rehab?” I asked.
Deb pulled her mouth to the side. “You need to build back muscle in your legs, Avery. It won’t take long. Water?” she asked, pouring some into a large mug before I answered.
I looked out the window, feeling emotion weigh down on me. I had been so quick to walk out on my life with Josh the day before. Now I would do anything to find my way back.
I touched my stomach, feeling more alone than I ever had. I had lost my parents. I had lost friends. This was much, much worse. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over my cheeks.
“Dr. Weaver has scheduled Dr. Livingston and Dr. Brock for this afternoon.”
“Who are they?” I sniffed.
“Dr. Livingston is the neurologist.” She hesitated. “Dr. Brock is a psychiatrist.” When I began to protest, Deb held my hand in both of hers. “No one is judging you, Avery. Your little body has been through so much. It’s really a miracle that you survived at all. Your brain had to do what it had to do to distract you while you healed. There is so much about the brain that we don’t know. It’s important that you tell them everything.”
“I just want my husband.” I pulled my hands from hers, covering my face. My chest and face hurt from the hours of tearfully mourning my daughter.
Deb only nodded, sympathy in her eyes.
“Deb,” I said, warning her with my tone. “Will you take me to see Josh?”
“I can,” she said, sad. “But it will upset you.”
“Take me,” I said. Josh would be the only thing to calm me down.
Deb brushed my greasy hair and braided it, and then she held a cup of water while I brushed my teeth.
“Here,” she said, handing me a warm washcloth. “Wash your face while I get a chair.”
I rubbed the warm terrycloth over my face, feeling it evaporate and cool while I worked it over my skin. I wasn’t going to look in the mirror. I didn’t want to.
Deb wheeled in my ride, pressing the brakes down and lifting up the foot pedals. She used her upper body strength to lift me up and pivot, and with incredible control, she lowered me back into the seat.
“All set?” She unplugged my IV and held it in one hand, gripping the handle of my chair in the other.
I nodded, feeling her push forward. When we cleared the threshold of my room and broke into the hallway, something inside me clicked into place. The feeling that something was out of place or missing was gone.
Deb passed four rooms and then paused. “Are you sure, Avery? I really think you should give yourself more time. You’re confused, and …”
“I’m sure,” I said, reaching for the doorjamb.
With some difficulty, I pulled myself through the doorway and into the room. All the wind was knocked out of me as I scanned over Josh’s body. He was on his back, hooked up to as many tubes and machines as I had been, his eyes closed, his chest moving up and down only by the ventilator.
I reached for his hand. His fingers felt foreign in mine, and the gold band I’d given him on our wedding day was missing. I held up my own hand, which was also bare. Why couldn’t I have just listened? He wanted to tell me more. That Hope … A sinking feeling overcame me. Hope had done her laundry at the house. She had wanted Josh all along. She had planted the panties. That’s what he was trying to tell me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I glanced back at Deb. “What happened?”
“You were both on your way home from work. You pulled out into the intersection in front of a semi, and your car was knocked back into Josh’s. The cars were a mangled mess.”
“No, Deb, what happened this time?”
“That is what happened this time, Avery. His partner, Quinn, said when he arrived on the scene, you were both unconscious, but your vehicles were mashed in such a way that your fingertips were touching.”
“His partner Quinn,” I said, scanning over Josh’s sleeping face. “You mean your boyfriend, Quinn?”
Deb looked down at me, amused. She pulled my braid over my shoulder. “No, honey. Ew.”
“What do you mean no? You’ve been dating Quinn for almost two years.”
Deb chuckled, but when she realized I was serious, her brows pulled together. She shook her head slowly.
“Yes,” I said, leaning forward, holding Josh’s hand tight. “Josh, wake up. You have to tell them. I’m not crazy.”
I looked up at Deb. “What happened to Penny?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “Who’s Penny?”
“Our baby. Josh’s and mine. I was thirty-one weeks pregnant, Deb.”
Deb tried to back out my wheelchair, but I gripped Josh’s blanket in my hand. She knelt down beside me. “Avery, you weren’t pregnant. You weren’t married to this guy,” she said, pointing to Josh.
“Stop it,” I said, feeling panic building.
“You two were in the same accident, and you’ve both been in comas.”
I shook my head and tucked my chin. “You’re lying.”
“Avery,” she said, touching my arm. “Why would I lie about something so hurtful? You’ve been unconscious for seven weeks.”
“Seven weeks?” I said. “I’ve been with Josh for two years. We were dating. We got engaged. I remember the wedding and the day we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t a dream, Deb. I would know the difference between a dream and a memory. It happened.” I looked at Josh, desperate. “Please wake up. Please wake up and tell them. I’m so afraid.”
“Avery … Avery, we have to get back to your room. You need to try to eat something. You need to rest.”
I held Josh’s hand to my cheek and then closed my eyes. “Wake up, Avery. This is just a bad dream. Wake up. Wake up!” I screamed.
“Okay, honey,” Deb said, backing me away from Josh. “Visit’s over.”
I reached for him until she spun me around, and then I turned, reaching for him again.
“Josh! Josh!”
“I know you said you’d take her shift, but she hasn’t come home. Where else could she be?”
“I haven’t seen her all night,” Michaels assured me. I muttered a thank-you and hung up my phone, my mind reeling with worry.
I quickly dialed Quinn, pacing the floor as it rang three excruciatingly long times.
“Are you guys fighting again?”
“Quinn, Christ, Avery left for a drive to clear her head and she hasn’t come back. It’s been four hours and she won’t answer her phone.”
“Calm down. I’m sure she’s just driving around and lost track of time.”
“You saw how she was. What if she got a flat tire and her cell is dead? What if she got in an accident?”
“Did you call the hospital?”
“Yeah.” I chewed on my thumb, continuing to pace. “Michaels took her shift, and she would have told me if Avery got brought in.”
“What about the police?” His voice was more cautious.
“And tell them I got in a fight with my wife and now she won’t come back to me? They’ll laugh in my face.”
“Tell them …” His voice lowered. “Tell them about her mental state. Tell them you have reason to be concerned for her safety.”
I sank down on the couch, my head resting in my palm. “She’s not that bad,” I lied to myself.
“You can’t protect her if you continue lying for her, Josh. It may upset her, but it is what’s best.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, and swallowed against the lump in my throat.
“You have to do this, Josh. It’s what’s best for Penny.”
“I know,” I whispered. I lowered the phone from my ear, hitting the END button with tears in my eyes. Everything was falling apart so quickly.
Avery would never forgive me for this, but I had to choose between her safety and our marriage, and her safety had to come first.
My fingers shook as I dialed the emergency number, pacing the floor once more. Explaining the situation to the operator, I prayed I was overreacting and Avery would walk through the door. As we spoke, my phone beeped, and I pulled it from my ear to see Avery’s name and a picture of her face splash across the screen.
“I have to go. It’s my wife,” I huffed out in a panic and switched the call. Avery’s voice sounded distant and muffled as if she’d called me by accident, and I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
“Avery? Can you hear me? Where are you?”
“What happened?” she asked.
Another voice responded but faded in and out. “You pulled out into the intersection in front of a semi.” The call broke up. “The cars were a mangled mess.”
“Avery? Baby? I’m coming. I’ll be right there.” My body was on autopilot while I hurried around the apartment, grabbing my shoes and slipping them on before hurrying down the stairs and out the front door.
“You have to tell them. I’m not crazy!” Her voice was panicked and I felt helpless not being by her side.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’m on my way. I won’t let anything happen to you,” I reassured her, pressing the start button on the Durango.
“What happened to Penny?”
“Who’s Penny?” the other voice asked.
“Our baby. Josh’s and mine. I was thirty-one weeks pregnant, Deb. Did I lose her? Did they take her away?”
“Avery? Answer me. Did you say Penny?” I mumbled, tears now blurring the road ahead.
“Avery? Can you hear me? I’m coming!” My stomach twisted again. She was with Deb, but where? I slammed on the brakes as the light on the desolate road turned red. My fingers readjusted their grip on the steering wheel while I waited for it to switch back to green. She had to be at the hospital.
“Stop it!” she said. Her voice was panicked, and I was praying I’d get to hold her in my arms soon. “You’re lying!”
When the light changed, I stepped on the gas. Rain began to fall in a fine mist. With little traffic on the road, I was able to speed through the hills.
“Tell them. I’m so afraid,” she cried.
“Don’t be scared, baby,” I yelled out as I pushed down the gas pedal. “I’m coming. I swear I am coming to get you!”
“Josh! Josh!”
The line went dead, and I clutched the phone in my palm, praying she would call me back.
Just a few minutes later, I was pulling into the emergency room, parking my SUV near the ambulance bay. I rushed through the doors, barely able to catch my breath.
The lobby was filled with old men and sick children, but I didn’t see my wife. “Avery?” I choked out.
The receptionist waved to me from behind her desk. “Josh? Everything okay?”
“Angie,” I said, relieved to see a familiar face. “Avery called me. I think she’s here. I think she’s hurt. Is she here?”
“Take a breath, Josh,” Angie said. Her voice was too calm, only making me more afraid.
“Josh!” I spun around to see Ashton holding a clipboard in her hand. “I was just about to call you. Avery’s here.”
“Is she all right? What happened?”
“She took a turn too fast and rolled her car. She was wearing a seat belt, but …”
I only waited a couple of seconds for her to find the words. I didn’t care about tact; I wanted to know if my wife was okay. “But what? Ashton, fucking tell me!”
“She’s stable. Dr. Weaver just left, but she’ll be back. Dr. Rosenberg has ordered her something for the pain.
“What about Penny?”
“Who?”
“The baby,” I snapped. I followed her through a double set of doors to the exam room hallway.
“I’m so sorry, Josh.” Ashton stopped, turning to me. “We did the best we could.”
I nodded, my knees threatening to give out under the weight of the sadness. We did the best we could. The words played on an endless loop in my mind. Did we? Was there more we could have done? I should have stopped her from walking out on me. I should have listened when she told me she was upset instead of dismissing her as irrational. My life with Avery was everything I’d ever dreamed of, and I had let it slip through my fingers.
My feet stopped shuffling, and I realized Ashton had guided me to one of the doors that lined the hallway, each hiding a tragedy behind it.
“It’s going to be all right,” Ashton reassured me.
I nodded, knowing it was a lie. I’d uttered that phrase to so many fathers and husbands. They were just words staff felt compelled to say to relieve our own guilt. It wasn’t easy to feel helpless when helping was the primary function of our jobs. If we couldn’t help, what good were we?
I pushed open the door to where Ashton had led me. Words wouldn’t change the outcome.
Avery lay on the bed looking as if she’d fallen asleep. Her blonde hair splayed against the white pillow, a purplish bruising marring her skin just below her hairline.
Monitors beeped around me in a steady rhythm as I wrapped my hand around hers, squeezing her fingers gently as if she were so fragile, she would crumble and slip from my grasp. The first of many sobs racked through my body as I let my tears fall onto the white blanket covering her.
“I should have never let you leave.”
I pressed my lips to the back of her hand before holding her soft skin against my cheek, letting my eyes fall closed so I could picture her smiling on our wedding day.
“I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you in pain. I’m going to add it to the list, okay?” I attempted a smile, feeling as broken as the rest of me. I combed away a few wayward hairs from her face.
My life with Avery had slipped from a dream into a frightening nightmare, one from which we couldn’t wake up. It was as if we were in limbo, suspended in purgatory. Her eyes moved behind fluttering lashes that never batted open. Her heart rate spiked at whispered I love yous, but never jolted her from her deep slumber. I couldn’t let go of us. I refused to walk away.
I went to her every day and waited. Waited for the impossible, for a sign, for her to look at me … hoping sinners were granted miracles, too.