The Lightlys' land had two docks. One was further from the houses, and we used it for the late night dips. Bobby and I ran along the grass, shedding our garments and twirling them in the air as we approached the dock. We dropped our clothes and cannonballed in.
We hissed and hooted as our hot, sweaty skin acclimated to the cold lake water. We splashed. We spit water fountains at each other, and then we were quiet for a while, wading in the effervescent still of a moonlit lake.
I broke the silence. “I think this might be my most favorite place in the world.”
“You've hardly been anywhere, Lil,” Bobby scoffed.
“Well, I'm going to travel plenty once things settle, but I still think there will be no place like this. Even now, after graduating college, I think the happiest memories of your childhood are the happiest ever. I don't think you can reach that level as an adult.”
“That's awfully pessimistic.”
“No . . . I'm not saying you can't be happy as an adult. I just think it gets tainted. There's always something to think about. Something to worry about.”
“I guess, but I'm still gonna strive for it. I hope my happiest moment hasn't happened yet. Technically yours should be tomorrow.”
I couldn't even pretend that would be the case. Marrying Rory was a good thing. I was excited. But that sense of a dream coming true—no, it wasn't there. I kept telling myself as I got closer the feeling would happen as it became more real. Even that afternoon, as I answered last minute questions about the wedding, I hoped that nervous excitement that laid latent and would rise to the surface once the noise had settled. But here I was, hours away, surrounded by quiet, and that feeling that my heart would burst with joy hadn't come. In fact, something unsettling had surfaced.
“I'm going in,” I declared, avoiding Bobby's statement.
I pulled myself up, noticing the moon was unusually bright when I caught Bobby's eyes on my naked body. He looked away quickly and I pretended not to notice. And yet, I didn't have that icky feeling you should have when someone who seems like a sibling catches you nude. I liked that he wanted to see more than just a dark outline.
I hadn't messed with Bobby enough, and I seemed to be pulling him out of his funk, so after I slipped my gown over my wet body, I picked up his shorts.
“Yoohoo!” I teased, dangling them in the air.
“Lil! Don't you dare.”
I took off running back to the boathouse, which was a ways away, but I had a good head start as Bobby had to climb out of the water.
I huffed and puffed up the stairs, ducking just in time to clear the threshold. His footsteps crashed on the old wooden steps and then there was a loud thud as he banged his forehead into the door frame.
“Oh my god!” I started laughing so hard, I could barely breathe. “Are you—” But I couldn't get the words out to ask if he was okay. Tears leaked from my eyes and my stomach hurt, but it was a good pain. The kind of good pain Bobby made me feel.
He tried to feign anger, but he laughed, too. He had his hands cupping his nether regions, but lurked close enough to go for a sharp grab at his shorts. I barely maintained my grasp as he reached around me, tangling himself around my wet body to pull the shorts away. I twirled to untangle myself and smacked into his chest, face to face with him.
That's when he kissed me.
He dipped down and planted his lips against mine. I reared back.
“Oh shit. Fuck. Fuck. I'm sorry,” Bobby apologized, throwing his hands up, revealing his happiness down below. “Oh shit,” he cursed, covering himself with his shorts. “Lil—Fuck.”
But this was it. This was the thing that stirred me. Like a revelation, I realized at that moment, that simple kiss felt like nothing I had ever felt with Rory. That kiss busted me wide open and the ache had found a way to escape and make room for a type of bliss I had never felt before. I wanted more of that feeling.
“No,” I commanded in a hushed tone, stepping closer. “Don't stop,” I begged through a whisper.
I watched his eyes wander my body in contemplation. My wet hair trailing down my shoulders and back, my nipples taut through the clingy transparent nightgown. We stood there wet and dripping, realizing we both had the same shameful secret.
“I can't,” he muttered, his hooded eyes telling another truth. Bobby stepped in, scooping down for his lips to meet mine, and this was what was missing. It was like there was a universe I didn't know existed that just flung open its doors to me.
My heart pounded with ecstatic energy as he dropped the shorts from his hands and wrapped his arms around me. His long naked body pressed against the airy moist cotton of my nightgown. I had always seen Bobby as a boy, until this moment, until I realized what was plainly in front of me all this time: That Bobby wasn't a boy anymore. And I wasn't a girl.
This was why we had so much difficultly navigating our relationship in our newfound adulthood. Because the space between immature teasing and detached adult politeness was this unthinkable act, this forbidden desire.
Bobby’s hand wandered up my waist and over my breast, shielded by the flimsy nightgown, as he cupped it softly in his hand, rubbing the firm nipple under him thumb. His lips swept down my neck and collarbone until he met his hand. Bobby looked up at me one last time, a chance for both of us to realize the mistake we were making, and I threaded my fingers through his hair, bidding him to continue.
He yanked down the side of my nightgown, exposing my hardened nipple and rubbed his soft lips on its tip. I whimpered, titling my hips towards him, wanting my body to join his without question.
I had always wondered how animals knew what to do without being told. Now I understood. When the body wanted it, it pleaded for it. Instinct. Bobby's lips exploring my damp skin felt as natural as the cool lake at night. Like the late breeze twisting under my nightgown. I didn't realize how forced everything was with Rory until Bobby clutched me in his arms. We joined like the ocean and the sun at the horizon. They met every evening, giving birth to the beauty of dusk, not because they were expected to, but because it was their destiny.
I didn't think. I couldn't think. That's the only way I could give myself what I needed.
“Lil . . .” Bobby breathed against my temple, unable to finish.
I understood, so much was changing so quickly, and the emotions that coursed through us were so much more than could be quantified in simple phrases.
Bobby slid his hands down to my behind as he lifted me onto a rickety table, seating me on it. Our mouths smashed together and I relished the taste of his lips, his tongue. As he leaned into me, Bobby's hardness pressed against me, threatening to change everything.
I came up for air just for a second, just to look at Bobby through this new lens. Bobby was a beautiful boy, and it was beyond good looks. He radiated there in front of me. I pretended like I wasn't like everyone else who wanted to be close to Bobby. But I didn't just want to revel in that light. I wanted it inside of me so that I could shine back on him.
I reached down and gripped Bobby's display of desire in my hands; his eyes rolled up as I massaged him.
“I want you,” I murmured in his ear as I buried my face into the heat of his neck.
“I've always wanted you,” Bobby murmured back, gripping my face in his hands, kissing me with such fierceness, I could hardly breathe. I knew what the ferocity of that kiss meant, and I felt it, too. And I was scared, but it only made it that much sweeter. To be scared. Alone. With him.
He peeled down the rest of my nightgown, exposing my top half as I sat in front of him. I watched him take in the sight of me, like he had laid eyes on the most exquisite thing, like he couldn't believe this was real. Like a man who had spent his life looking for a treasure and finally had it in his clutches. I felt the same way looking at his naked body: shining, long, lean limbs with narrow muscles that ridged along his torso and arms.