“No,” Alex objected quietly, “you only tried to speak the truth. That was courageous of you.”
“Courageous?” His voice sounded bitter. “It wasn’t courageous. It was stupid.”
“You warned me about Vitali,” Alex said. “I refused to believe you at the time, but now I see that you were right.”
He looked at her with bloodshot eyes.
“No one can get to him. He’s stronger because he’s unscrupulous and brutal.”
“That’s not true,” Alex answered. “It is possible to get to him. I’ve unearthed things about him that could ruin him.”
“A few months ago, I would have been happy to hear that,” Nick said and sighed. “Now I just don’t care anymore. That won’t bring my family back to life.”
Alex remained silent. She understood how he felt.
“Why did you come here, Alex?” Nick looked at her with torment and self-reproach in his eyes. Alex felt like holding him in her arms and consoling him.
“I didn’t know your wife very well,” Alex whispered, fighting her tears, “but I respected her very much. And I also like you, Nick. It kills me to see you suffer like this.”
A tear ran down her cheek, and she noticed how Nick’s lips quivered.
“It’s strange.” He gave her a hopeless and penetrating gaze. “Of all the people I thought were my friends, no one has said that to me. They only had empty words. ‘Life goes on’ and ‘time heals all wounds.’ They stay away from me as if I had leprosy. I can sense it. But really, what I needed was someone to talk to.”
“Most people are afraid of being confronted with death,” Alex replied.
“But you, Alex, you hardly know me, and still you aren’t afraid to come here and talk to me.”
“I grew up in the country,” she answered. “The cycle of life and death is normal there. People here remain silent, as if death didn’t exist.”
“I could accept death, even though it would be difficult,” Nick said, “but the thought that it’s my fault…”
“As long as you tell yourself that you’re at fault for your family’s death, you’ll never be able to cope with what happened.”
“What do you mean?” Nick looked at Alex with a somewhat surprised expression.
“Forgive me, Nick,” she replied, “but I don’t think you’re even trying to process what happened. You’re running away by tormenting yourself with this self-reproach.”
Nick was silent for a moment. Alex was afraid she had offended him.
“Vitali must have tried to kill you because you stepped on his toes. You didn’t do it out of vanity, but conviction,” she said emphatically. “You were convinced that you were doing the right thing. How can that be a mistake? It was a tragic chain of unfortunate events that your family was hit instead of you. If you and your chauffeur had taken the car, then you’d be dead now.”
Nick stared at her, and she returned his look.
“When I was ten,” she said quietly, “my grandfather gave me a foal. I raised it, broke it in myself, and loved it more than anything else in the world. It was a magnificent horse. A few years later, a thunderstorm approached. My grandfather called to me and said that I should bring the horse into the stable. I didn’t do it because I was reading an exciting book. Thunderstorms were nothing unusual. So I left my horse outside.”
Nick looked at Alex steadily.
“The next morning,” she continued, “I wanted go riding, but my horse wasn’t there. I searched the entire paddock and finally found it. It had been struck by lightning out in the meadow. I was beside myself with grief and blamed myself. I knew that it was my fault because I hadn’t listened to my grandfather. Of all the horses, my horse was dead. I thought I’d die from grief, and my feelings of guilt were so intense. I wished that I could turn back time and undo my mistake, but I couldn’t.”
She sighed, remembering.
“I blamed myself. That was the first time in my life that I realized how many things just happen in life, and we can’t change them after the fact. This may sound fatalistic, but that’s simply the way it is. My girlfriend’s father was struck dead by a falling tree, my younger brother died while walking home from school when a truck driver lost control of his vehicle, and a friend of mine from school died at fifteen from leukemia. Aren’t these cases just as senseless as your family’s death? And who’s at fault?”
Nick’s face was twitching. Alex detected a glimmer of hope in his eyes. Impulsively, she grabbed his hand, which was scarred from the burns.
“It’s not your fault, Nick.” Her voice trembled. “And your wife certainly wouldn’t want you to sit here and torment yourself with all this guilt.”
“No,” Nick said, his voice gruff, “she wouldn’t want that. She…had steadfast belief in God and always found comfort in the Bible.”
Alex sensed him trembling.
“The Lord is my shepherd,” he whispered, “I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.”
Pools of tears formed in Alex’s eyes.
“Psalm 23. It was her favorite verse. I keep repeating these words, hoping to understand what Mary found comforting in them.”
Nick’s voice failed him, and his hand clamped around Alex’s.
“My God,” he exclaimed, “I miss them so much! I always thought that we had an infinite amount of time together, but now I see there’s no time left at all!”
Nick saw Alex’s tears and sensed her sincere sympathy. Maybe it was this certainty that he was no longer alone, that another person understood his pain, that let the dam inside of him burst all at once. His long-suppressed tears suddenly ran down his face, and he didn’t feel ashamed. The powerful, fearless Nicholas Kostidis allowed himself to be weak and discouraged. He cried unlike anyone Alex had ever seen cry before. It was the terrible sobbing of a desperate man. She took him into her arms.
He slipped off the bench, fell to his knees, and crying desperately, he pressed his face into Alex’s lap. She simply held him tight, stroked his hair, and let him cry the cathartic tears. His abysmal grief shook her to the core, but she admired him for showing his real emotions. After a while, Nick’s crying abated. He clung to Alex like a child looking for comfort and security.
“Everything will be all right,” she murmured. “Everything will be all right.”
“Really?” Nick raised his tearstained face to look at her. His eyes were red from crying.
“Yes,” she nodded, “I’m sure of it. All wounds heal, and what remains are the memories of the beautiful things that you experienced together. There won’t be any forgetting, but there will be understanding.”
“How can you be so sure, Alex?”
Nick was still kneeling in front of her, and she held both of his hands.
“Because that’s the way it is. Because I’ve experienced it myself.”
Nick leaned his head on her knee again and took a trembling breath.
“I’m sorry that I lost my composure like this,” he whispered.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Alex answered softly. “It makes me happy to know that I could help you even the smallest bit. There are times when we need someone to listen and try to understand.”