EMME: Would it be wrong if I got another one now?
I pull her outside and we start walking back toward school.
I figure now is as good a time as any.
ME: So there’s something else I want to talk to you about.
EMME: I really don’t want to talk about Sophie anymore. Or Ethan, for that matter. All everybody wants to do is to talk about that stupid kiss. It was just the high from performing. Believe me when I say that I’ve seen him kiss a lot of girls after a show. A lot. It isn’t the big deal that everybody is making it out to be. I just happened to be the closest person next to him.
And here I thought I was the one playing pretend.
ME: No, it’s not that. It’s about school.
EMME: Oh, um, sorry.
ME: That’s okay. It’s just, I think … I think if I can’t transfer to the art program, I’m going to drop out of CPA.
The words just hang out there. I turn to study Emme as she walks. She starts nodding slowly and I can tell she’s planning her next words carefully.
EMME: Dropping out of high school really isn’t the best idea, Carter.
ME: I know. It isn’t high school; it’s CPA. I’m tired of having all these acting roles forced on me. If I can’t do art, there’s no reason to be there. I can take the GED — that’s what I was going to do when I was being taught on the set. So I don’t really need to have my diploma from CPA, especially since it would mean keeping up the Carter Harrison Acting Charade. I’ve been acting for as long as I can remember. It’s not something I want to do anymore. I’m really sick of living a lie, doing things that don’t make me happy.
Emme and I walk to the park and I talk. Not lines that have been written for me, but what I’ve wanted to say for years.
So for the first time since I can remember, I let it all out. My frustrations with school, the teachers, the principals, how CPA really hasn’t been what I thought it would be. That I need so much more. That I deserve so much more. I want to be happy. I want to create art, real art, not recite cheesy lines.
I decide to not hide behind a role or pretend to be someone that I’m not. Instead, I do the one thing that terrifies me more than anything. I drop the act. I just be.
I believe the saying is “The truth shall set you free.” But what they don’t say is that once you unleash one shackle that’s been holding you down, you want them all freed.
I wait outside Dr. Pafford’s office. And I’m not even nervous. I know what I’m about to do might be considered crazy to some, maybe even a little self-destructive, but I figure it’s worth a shot.
Dr. Pafford’s secretary lets me know he’s ready to see me.
DR. PAFFORD: Carter, so great to see you. We’re all looking forward to your audition for the showcase!
He shakes my hand. I sit down in the chair opposite his desk.
ME: That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.
DR. PAFFORD: Would you like my thoughts on your audition piece? I think you do such a great job with Arthur Miller’s work.
Here goes nothing. I take out my portfolio and unzip it and place several of my art pieces on his desk.
ME: I was hoping that I could be considered for some of my art pieces instead of acting.
His eyes politely roll over my work and he leans back in his chair.
DR. PAFFORD: You are part of the drama department, Mr. Harrison. The showcase is to highlight the work of the different departments in the school, not a student’s outside hobby.
To be honest, I saw that coming. But that’s not the real reason why I’m here, so I decide to stop stalling.
ME: I understand. I was wondering if I could audition to be part of the art department next semester. I know I would only be eligible for the beginners’ classes.
DR. PAFFORD: There’s no transferring of programs this late in the process. You are graduating after next semester … in drama.
ME: Well, I have enough credits that I was wondering if —
DR. PAFFORD: Mr. Harrison, you are here to act. That is the program you enrolled in. You cannot shift to a new program after three and a half years.
ME: I see. Well, thank you for your time.
I get up to leave.
DR. PAFFORD: Now about that audition piece — what are you going to perform?
I turn toward him.
ME: I’m not auditioning. It’s been an incredible experience here, Dr. Pafford. But I have no desire to continue to be part of something I don’t believe in.
I can tell that he doesn’t know how to respond.
He clears his throat and finally speaks.
DR. PAFFORD: I’m sorry to hear that.
I look closely at him.
ME: I’m not.
I head to my locker and grab all my personal belongings. I don’t even hesitate for a second as I walk out of the school and don’t look back.
Yes, the truth shall set you free.
Emme
Everything seems to be happening all at once.
I knew that senior year would be overwhelming, but the next two weeks are like a perfect storm: Senior Showcase auditions, finals, and auditions for second semester. I’m thankful Ethan’s cast finally came off a few days ago so the band is back to full strength. I even had a chance to talk to Tyler; he was nice enough to listen to everything I had to say, but I don’t think he wants anything to do with me after that “humiliation.” I guess I don’t blame him.
But of course with everything coming up, all anybody really wants to talk about is Carter.
I couldn’t believe Carter actually dropped out of CPA. But he looked so happy when he told me about it. He was done with pretending and he was going to take some time off to focus on what he wants.
I guess I’ve been really lucky to always know what I want to do: music. I’ll admit the uncertainty of where I’ll be next year is stressful, but as I walk into the rehearsal room and see Jack, Ben, and Ethan, I know I’m not alone in this.
Jack gives me a smirk and cocks one eyebrow. “Well, hello, Emma.”
“Hi.” I continue to tune my guitar, not sure what Jack is trying to get at.
“So, Emma, anything you’d like to share with the band?”
Ben takes the bait. “What are you blabbering about, Jack? And why are you calling her Emma?”
Jack laughs. “I guess you haven’t read all about it, huh?” Jack pulls up something on his phone, and Ben gasps.
“What?” I go up and pull Jack’s phone from his hand. On the screen is the photo taken at the ice cream parlor of me on Carter’s lap. The caption reads: Harrison with girlfriend Emma days before he left the prestigious CPA.
I scroll up and start reading the gossip site’s article about Carter’s departure from CPA. The article paints Carter as some diva who was causing problems at school and decided to drop out. The only thing they have right is that he’s taking a vacation. He and his mom left for Italy yesterday for a few weeks. Then when he gets back he’s going to take the GED and enroll in art classes. But leave it to the Gossip Guru to “report” only on hearsay from students at CPA who didn’t like Carter, let alone know him.