“Yeah? That what he said? Because that’s not exactly true.” Cedric sighed. “Your cousin was provoking us. You know how your cousin was, know he used to provoke people all the time. He and his friends always strutting around in those crazy outfits, laughing all loud and talking shit. And we were all at Tony’s celebrating because the school year was almost over and here he comes, walking down the street. Shaun made some joke about the way his ass swished when he walked, and he came back asking something like why Shaun spent so much time looking at it. People started laughing. Looked to me like your cousin enjoyed the attention because he just kept going. Shaun warned him to stop but he wouldn’t shut the fuck up. And now everybody was laughing at us. We had to do something, it was like he was giving us no choice.”
Cedric looked out the window. “It was stupid. And I’m sorry about it, if that makes you feel better. I was sorry as soon as I woke up the next morning, soon as I realized what I had done. Over what? Some weirdo calling me a name? Saying something about me everybody already knew wasn’t true? And here I am, about to graduate. Got my whole life ahead of me and I’m gonna risk blowing it like that?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you the truth, Gerard. It’s part of why I don’t hang out with Shaun anymore. Because I learned from it. Realized I couldn’t just be flying off the handle like that. Realized I had to know how to keep my cool, that I needed to be around people who kept cool too. Because if you think about it, the one who might have really gotten fucked up over it is me. My future. My chances in life. I mean I’m serious. I could have wound up in jail. Just for beating up some little freak.”
Gerard stared out the window. A clean-looking kid in a white Camaro pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. He watched the boy walk around and open the door for a pretty girl in a yellow tank top sulking in the passenger seat.
Cedric put the car back in drive. “I’m sorry it happened. But that was five years ago and, if nothing else, I learned from it. And, I don’t know, when your cousin didn’t press charges, I thought maybe he had learned from it too. Because it wasn’t just me and Shaun acting foolish that night. Your cousin was not some innocent party. He provoked us. Was asking for it. And maybe you don’t want to hear this right now but... truth? If you’d had been there that night, you would have been right there with me and Shaun. Because I know you. I mean, I remember how you were in high school. Know how mad you would have been if someone ever disrespected you like that. Just like I know that deep down you realize: a lot of the trouble your cousin had back then? He brought it on himself.”
Gerard stayed quiet. The car continued down 16th Street where two elderly women in matching green dresses, gold lamé shoes, and leaf-shaped hats walked down the concrete steps of a small house, the thin breeze puffing their skirts into bell shapes, hems raised just enough so Gerard could see that their dark stockings were only knee-highs.
Gerard nodded. “My cousin always was hard. And like you said, he did have problems. You know how he came to live with my Aunt Darla? His daddy caught him trying on his mama’s lipstick when he was nine. Come home from work and there’s my cousin standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom with bright-red lipstick smeared all across his mouth. His daddy beat the shit out of him and kicked him out of the house. My cousin and I were real close back then, if you can believe it. Used to do everything together. I didn’t even realize there was anything strange about him at the time. Because he didn’t seem strange to me.
“When I asked him why he’d done that, he said he’d found it in the drawer and just wanted to know what her kisses felt like. Isn’t that funny? I realize now he was probably lying about that, but you know what? At the time? I believed him. Somehow it made sense to me. I understood it and I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. But then my aunt told some people at her church about it and somehow it got around at school. People started teasing him, calling him names, and laughing at him. And because we were always together, people started calling me names too. Got so bad I stopped wanting to do anything with him.
“Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Got tired of defending him, got tired of having to hear it. Told him I was embarrassed to be in public with him because he acted so weird all the time, when really he acted the same when we were alone at my house, and the stuff he used to do never really bothered me then. Truth is, I was scared. Scared of the way people made fun of him, scared people would start confusing him for me. And mostly I was scared because when he told me about kissing that mirror, I hadn’t realized it was a big deal. Started wondering if maybe there was something wrong with me too, just for feeling like I understood it, for the fact that it didn’t bother me the way it seemed to bother everybody else. It was like I got suspicious of my own understanding, the fact that, deep down, I never thought he was all that strange. I mean, not in a way that really mattered. And now when looking back on us in high school, I feel like I spent most of my time trying more than anything not to understand things. Didn’t want to feel nothing because I was so worried what I felt might be wrong. I think that’s really why I was so mad all the time. When people tried to explain to me why I needed to calm down, why I shouldn’t be so upset or something wasn’t a big deal, I would just look at them, suspicious. It’s almost like I thought feeling something for other people was some kind of trick, because I believed there was something wrong with me and I didn’t want other people to know.”
In the rearview mirror, Cedric could still see the two old women passing slowly beneath a streetlight’s glow.
“My cousin used to say he figured I stunted my own growth that way. One time he told me that, as much shit as he got from people just for walking down the street, the one he really felt sorry for was me, because at least he was being who he was. Said he thought it was pathetic how hard I tried to fit in with people like you and Shaun, that there was a beautiful person somewhere inside me but I had smothered it by being a coward. Used to say stuff like that to me all the time, and of course I didn’t like it. Was provoking, just like you said. But now, when I look back at myself in high school, I figure he might have been telling the truth. That’s how I know you’re right. If someone had ever tried to disrespect me the way he did to you that night, I would have been right there with you. Except for one thing.” Gerard reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a gun. “He was my cousin.”
“What are you doing?”
“That was my cousin. What the hell were you thinking disrespecting my family like that?”
“Wait a minute, Gerard—”
“You didn’t have anything to do with what happened at that dance hall, did you? Someone jumped him that night — how do I know it wasn’t you?”
“Me? No! Of course not. I don’t go to places like that. I would never—”
“What about Shaun?”
“Shaun? I don’t know about Shaun. I told you I don’t have anything to do with him anymore.”
“Well, maybe you do, maybe you don’t. Somebody did it. Somebody got to pay for it. Might as well be you.”
“But it wasn’t me. I didn’t have anything to do with what happened to him. And that thing at that party, that was five years ago. Doesn’t have anything to do with now. Look at me, Gerard. I’m telling you I’ve changed.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to you. I haven’t.” Gerard shook his head. “Why do you think I just told you all of that, about what my cousin used to say to me? I think he was right, I think I may have stunted my own growth somehow. Because I’m sitting here, listening to you talk about how you’ve changed, and how long ago that party was, and how I have no business being upset about it now. And I got to tell you: I don’t understand a word of it.”