“I understand,” I said.
The queen shook her head, and I noticed something more than disapproval in her expression—there was a little bit of sadness there, too. I wondered what that was about, but it wasn’t as though I could ask.
“Although,” I said as Myra began to extract me from the wedding dress, “I happen to like Canada.”
I’d just gotten back into the green silk wrap dress I’d been wearing earlier when two children tumbled through the door, chasing each other and shrieking with laughter. They launched themselves at my legs, giggling and snorting into the soft folds of my skirt.
That’s right, I thought. Juliana has half siblings.
“I win!” the boy crowed. I searched through my memories of Thomas’s briefing to dredge up his name—Simon. Age: seven. And Lillian was the little girl, age four. I put my hand on Simon’s blond head, Lillian’s being too far down to reach.
“Were you racing?” I asked. The little ones were completely charming. I loved them at first sight. Lillian nodded, grinning. She was wearing a lavender dress with matching shoes and white tights, her hair curled and secured by an enamel clip into a bouquet of tight ringlets.
“Yes, and I won!” Simon announced.
“Good job!” I bent down so that I was more equal to their height. “Although I don’t know that it’s fair, you’re so much bigger than Lillian.” It was easy to talk to them. They were the only people I’d met so far in Aurora who seemed to pose no threat.
“I’m fast!” Lillian pouted.
“I know, I know, of course, you’re very fast,” I reassured her. Lillian wrapped her arms around my neck, and when I stood she did the same with her legs around my waist. Lillian nestled her face into my hair and sighed deeply.
The queen didn’t seem as enthralled with the children as I was, but maybe that was because she was used to them. She pried Lillian off me and set her down on the floor, where she began to fuss and beg to be picked up again. The queen ignored her.
“Where is Genevieve?” she called out. “For heaven’s sake, what is the point of having a nanny if she’s not even going to watch the children!”
I bent down to soothe Lillian. “Maybe they got away from her somehow.”
“Yes, that’s just what I need, more wild, uncontrollable children!” the queen cried.
“I’m not your child!” I snapped, losing control for a moment. Gloria’s mouth puckered in anxiety as the queen fixed a hateful gaze on me.
“And thank God for that,” she said with venom. “Simon! Lillian! Come along. Let’s go find your incompetent nanny.”
“Sasha,” Gloria growled when everyone had gone. “You shouldn’t speak to the queen like that.”
“I know.” I sighed and sank down on the bed.
“She’s difficult,” Gloria said, choosing her words carefully. “But she’s under a lot of pressure. She’s only doing it to get a rise out of you—out of Juliana, I mean—and if you play into it you’ll only get more trouble in return.”
“I don’t know how Juliana does this,” I said. “From the outside, her life must seem so perfect, but …”
Gloria nodded, sitting down next to me on the bed and putting her hand on top of mine. “I’ve often thought that, too. But this is the only life she’s ever had. I’ve known Juliana for a long time, and over the years I watched as she built up walls between herself and the world, to protect herself from all the pressure and the demands of her position. Lately I’ve wondered if she’s really built for all this.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Juliana’s always been so stoic,” Gloria told me. “She’s got a quick temper, sort of like you do—”
“I don’t have a temper!”
“Oh? And what was that with the queen just now?”
I conceded her point. “I’m not great at keeping my mouth shut.”
“Well, neither is Juliana, but she never used to let anything get to her, deep down,” Gloria said. “And yet … when the king informed her that he was marrying her to Prince Callum, she fought him, like everyone expected her to. And she lost that battle, like everyone expected. But I’m probably the only person who knows what she did when she came back to her room, holding the box with her engagement ring inside of it.”
“What did she do?” I asked, in a voice so low it was almost a whisper.
“She wept,” Gloria said, her own eyes wet at the memory. “Like a child, she wept. And my heart broke for her, as it breaks for you now. You’re both so young, and you have so much resting on your shoulders. The fate of an entire nation—two nations, in fact. It just seems so grossly unfair.”
She put her arms around me, and I let her. I sank my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. I didn’t know who to feel sorrier for, Juliana or myself. But at the very least, I knew that the life that belonged to me was worth returning to. And for the first time since I’d woken up in that dark basement in the Tattered City, I felt lucky.
SEVENTEEN
“So I heard you had a run-in with the queen,” Thomas said, glancing at me slyly out of the corner of his eye. Gloria had returned to her office, presumably to continue ripping the people at CBN apart. They had no idea who they were dealing with; it was Gloria’s new personal crusade to get Eloise Dash fired and replaced with a more obedient royal correspondent.
“You said yourself she doesn’t like Juliana,” I replied. “And she was awful to me at the dress fitting. She accused me of gaining weight!”
“I know she’s not easy to deal with,” Thomas allowed. “Believe me, I know. I’ve seen Juliana fight with her hundreds of times. The queen can be very petty. But if you take the bait, it just gives her more ammunition.”
“That’s what Gloria said.” I sighed. “I’ve never had anyone hate me so openly before.” I fiddled with the edge of a pillowcase.
“She doesn’t hate you,” Thomas reminded me. He stood near the door, his arms folded across his chest, his standard position. He was focused on me, but I could tell he was also on alert, as always, for anything awry, ever the soldier.
“Yeah, I know, she hates Juliana,” I said. But knowing that the queen’s rancor had nothing to do with me didn’t make her barbs sting any less. And how much of a difference was there, anyway, between the queen hating Juliana and the queen hating me? We weren’t the same person, but we were connected. I couldn’t help taking things personally on her behalf.
“No, I mean she doesn’t hate Juliana. She’s afraid of her.” Thomas walked over and leaned against one of the bedposts. I glanced up and his eyes caught mine. Every time I looked at him, my brain struggled to make sense of who he was. Even now, if I encountered him and Grant together, dressed alike, I wasn’t sure that I could tell the difference. But the eyes … they betrayed something, hidden depths of experience, intelligence, even pain. Much as I wished I didn’t care, I was curious about him. I wanted to know how much of the boy he’d been with me on Earth had been a lie, but that was a question I couldn’t bear to ask him.
“Afraid? Why?” The queen had all the power; she was the regent, she ran the country, while Juliana was being married off, a pawn in a game of musical countries. Just like me.
“The king loves Juliana more than anything, and the queen’s always been afraid he’ll leave her just like he left Juliana’s mother. She knows Juliana resents her for causing her parents’ divorce, and she’s scared that one day Juliana will convince the king to get rid of her.”
“Yeah, well, maybe he should,” I grumbled.
Thomas shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. She seems to really love him. She’s just insecure.”