“Well, let’s eat. Ivy, if there’s too much on your plate, don’t eat it all. We don’t want you exploding on us.”
Tank lets out a groan and picks up his fork, stabbing at a potato.
“Jonah. Let’s not be a tyrant and say grace, shall we?”
He huffs and takes hold of his mother’s hand. Adeline rests her well-manicured hand on top of mine. The shell pink polish stands out in stark relief against my worn chipped nails. She gives me a gentle smile and bows her head as she says grace, adding on to the end, “Grant Jonah the gift of patience, and God, we ask that you grant Ivy the strength to put up with him. God knows he can be an ogre.”
I try to stifle a laugh, but it comes out anyway. Adeline laughs too, and even as I roll my gaze upward to meet Tank’s, I find him fighting that gorgeous grin that teases at the corner of his lips. I realise that I want that smile badly, but he just shakes his head and starts devouring his meal.
The food is delicious and, despite there being far too much, I find myself eating all of it. When we’re done, Tank leans back in his chair and pats his distended belly. It’s hard to believe there’s even a stomach under that wall of abs he’s so fond of showing off. “Thanks, Ma. It was delicious, as always.”
“You’re welcome, Puddin’.” She pats his hand and stands. “You know what? Why don’t you go sit out on the deck? Ivy can help me clear these things away.”
“It’s okay. I got it—”
“You know, Son, subtlety never really was your strong suit. Go, shoo. I want to have a girl-to-girl chat with Ivy.”
Oh no. No, no, no, no.
I send Tank a pleading glance and he just chuckles and strolls out onto the deck that separates the dining room from the yard.
“Thanks for lunch. It really was delicious.”
“You’re very welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it.” She carries dishes of food into the kitchen and I follow her with the stack of plates I collected. “I’m sorry about Jonah’s behaviour. He really is a beast sometimes, but he means well.”
“Yeah. I’m familiar with how much of a beast he can be.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” She gives me a conspiratorial smile and my eyes grow wide.
“Oh, I didn’t mean—”
“Relax, Ivy, I’m just messing with you. Besides, I was a young woman once. I remember what being taken by a big, strapping man felt like.”
Oh God. I can actually feel the heat clawing at my cheeks.
“I might be old, sweetheart, but I’m not dead. In the first few years with Jonah’s father, all we did was get naked. It was glorious, and then Jonah came along, and my heart had swollen past the point I ever thought I could love, but Wayne’s hadn’t. He saw my baby boy as an intrusion. He never wanted children; his father was a bastard and had raised him with a brutal hand, and Wayne thought that we should do the same with Jonah. He also thought I should be dealt with in the same manner. I happily took that punishment to keep it from Jonah, and then the beatings got worse. The drinking and gambling got worse, and so did his temper.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
Adeline gives me a small smile and nods towards Tank, who’s now walking around the backyard. “He’s a good man, my Jonah, but he’s as wilful and stubborn as his father was. Don’t let him push you around.”
I laugh. “Well, I don’t think there’s much that can be done about it right now. He’s sort of in charge of pushing me around.”
“That’s what he’d have you believe, but men are rarely ever in charge—not really. They just like to think they are.” She begins rinsing the dishes in the sink, and I stack them in the dishwasher when she passes them to me. “He cares a great deal for you, Ivy. You’re the only woman he’s ever brought to meet me, so that must mean you’re something special.”
“Is this the part where you tell me if I break his heart you’ll hunt me down like a dog?”
Adeline laughs, but it doesn’t sound mirthful. “No, this is the part where I tell you if you hurt him, you get to carry that with you for the rest of your days. He might not express himself in the best way possible, but he will find ways to treat you like a queen. The question is: are you up to task?”
I don’t have to think long about my reply. “No, I don’t think I am.”
She raises her eyebrows and then looks out the window at her son as he stoops over to pull weeds from the garden. “I think you grossly underestimate yourself. Girls like us, survivors, we have a backbone stronger than a hundred men like Jonah. You just need the right reasons to find it.”
I knew she meant what she said, I knew she believed that with her whole heart, but she was wrong about me. I wasn’t strong. I was weak, and I’d be her son’s downfall. I’d be his ruin. I knew it like I knew the blood in my veins was corrupt.
“I never thought I’d see the day that my son would be in love,” Adeline says, taking my hand. “I can tell it’s not the same for you though.”
“No, it’s not.” I say, and even as the words leave my mouth there’s a gnawing in the pit of my stomach, as if butterflies have sprouted from my insides and grown teeth. They sink their incisors of doubt into me, and plant little seeds of hope. Images of a normal life, of lazy rainy Sunday mornings spent entangled in one another, club barbeques, holidays, and long rides on the back of his V-Rod Muscle.
And even longer rides bent over the back of that glorious bike.
I push the thoughts away, smother the insects with a tsunami tide of fear. Long rides that would get us both killed. I can’t have that dream. I can never have that dream, not with Tank, or anyone else.
“Could it be?” she asks, hopefully. “Someday?”
“He’s not hard to love, Adeline. You raised a great man, but Tank’s worthy of more—”
“No, he’s worthy of the woman he loves. If that’s you, then my only wish is that one day, you can reciprocate his feelings.”
“Why would you want someone like me for your son? I’m a mess; I’m a total pain in the arse and …” I stop, unsure I want her to know the horrible truth about me. “I’m a drug addict.”
She leans over and pats my arm. “I know.”
I frown in confusion. Oh God, he told her? And is she fucking bat-shit crazy? I tell her I’m a drug addict and she’s practically marrying the two of us off? What kind of ridiculous logic is that?
“Don’t get me wrong—the last thing I want for Jonah is to be caught up in more substance abuse. He had enough of that with his father, but he believes in you, Ivy. And I trust my son to make his own decisions. He just wants to save you from yourself.”
“What if I don’t want to be saved?” I say, and it’s a question for me as much as it is for her.
“I’m afraid you don’t have much choice in the matter, my dear. That boy is one of the most stubborn people I know. He doesn’t just get what he wants, he takes every measure to ensure that he does, and right now what he wants is you.”
“I use to forget.” The words rush out before I can stop them, and Adeline runs a hand over my cheek.
“And I drink more than my doctor advises for a woman my age, but sometimes you need to remember, if for nothing other than to remind yourself how strong you are.” Tears spill down my cheeks and I swipe them away with the back of my hands. “Now, let’s leave all this and go sit out on the deck in that glorious sunshine. We have a lot to be thankful for today.”
She was right. I knew she was right, but the dark part of me that always reared its ugly head worried how long it would be before he found me again, and as I follow her out on to the deck and Tank turns to smile at us, I can’t help but suppress a shiver. I’d been out of the clubhouse for a handful of days, and I know as sure as I know the blood in my veins is red that he’ll find me.