“I … I can’t do this. I’m sorry,” she quavered and took off out of the living room.
“Wait,” I called after her. “What do you mean?” I followed.
“I’m sorry. I thought I could, but I can’t.” She closed her bedroom door.
“Baby, what’s going on? Talk to me.”
“I’m sorry,” she apologized again. “It’s not going to work out.”
The hell it’s not!
I tried the handle of her door but it was locked. I didn’t give a shit. She couldn’t say this bullshit and get to lock herself in her room. I’d confessed to her about Vanessa. The least she could do was tell me what it was about me that was so repulsive we couldn’t even fuck. Without giving it another thought, I rammed my shoulder into the door and it popped opened. The lousy lock was no match for my size or my strength. She flinched as she stood next to the bed when I barged in.
“You don’t get to do this,” I declared.
“It’s not about you!” she hissed, tears streaking down her face. She was holding a piece of paper that was recently folded into fours.
“The hell it’s not!” I started to walk closer to her and she backed up, causing me to stop. “Are you scared of me?” She shook her head. “Then what is it? Why are you crying?”
She stared up at the ceiling for a beat then back to me. “If I told you my flaws would you still want to be with me?”
“Of course,” I admitted without needing to think about it.
“They’re really bad, Paul.”
“So we’re back to Paul now?”
She set the paper down on the bed and I saw that it was a drawing of a birthday cake—something a kid would have drawn and colored. She then crossed her arms over her chest and that’s when I realized she was dressed in her normal tank top she wore to bed—not the spaghetti strap thing she had on earlier.
“What I’m about to tell you, you can’t change. So don’t even think you can. It’s in the past. It’s done. Just like your past, I can’t change what happened with your high school girlfriend.” I nodded. “These things make us who we are today and yes, I’m dealing with shit and before you … Just … I’m okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore once you find out.”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because my mom sold my virginity when I was seventeen and I haven’t had sex since!”
She fell to the floor, sobs coming from her throat. I rushed to her, scooping her up and carrying her to my room. “Shh, it’s okay,” I whispered, placing her in the center of my bed and wrapping her in my arms.
She cried until she fell asleep. I, on the other hand, didn’t get a wink of sleep. All I could think about was even though this woman next to me was broken, I didn’t care because I was certain I was falling in love with her.
Chapter Fifteen
Andi
The sun seeped through the blinds and my eyes felt dry and crusty as I tried to open them. My mouth was dry, my head pounded, and when I felt the warm, hard body pressed firmly against me, everything came crashing back.
I’d told Paul how I lost my virginity.
Well, I hadn’t told him everything. I’d spared him the graphic details. I couldn’t believe that I’d told him. I’d never told anyone about that night—not Cat, not even Seth. It might have been because of the tequila. It might have been because of Paul. It might have been the mixture of the two. I wasn’t sure.
The feelings I felt were foreign to me. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him about my mother, about Tony, and about Marco. I wanted to tell him about the FBI and how I was in Vegas undercover. How I was really Joselyn Marquez and not Andi Middlebrooke. But I couldn’t tell him most of it, so I told him the only part I could tell him, and that was the only thing that no one knew.
“Hey,” he said¸ tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “Sleep okay?”
I shrugged. Sure I slept, but I didn’t feel rested. “I guess.”
“Do you want me to get you anything? Water? Coffee?”
“Water.”
He left and I debated if I was going to tell him more about that God awful night. I wanted to. I felt that if I told him it would be a weight lifted off my shoulders. For so long I’d carried it around, hiding the secret from everyone. It was my secret, my past, my mask, but I was tired of wearing it, especially around the man I loved.
Loved …
That was the feeling I felt when I was with Paul. I’d never been in love before. I’d thought I loved Seth, but it was puppy love. He was my best friend. The feelings I had for Paul were completely and utterly different. This man was everything to me, and the moment he found out I was undercover, I was sure he wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
I was lying to him nonetheless.
A few nights after my freak out, Autumn called Paul to invite us over for dinner. Internally, I was freaking out … again. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. If they were anything similar to what Paul described, I had a feeling I was going to fall just as hard and fast for them as I had for Paul. Besides, I’d went into this undercover operation after doing extensive research on everyone involved with S&R. I knew Gabe was once an escort but left after meeting Autumn, and the three of them were now running a self-defense company. So they had to be good people … right?
Paul and I didn’t discuss the bomb I dropped on him. He was probably waiting for me to tell him on my own terms the rest of the story, which I loved about him. He had a way of making me feel loved and cherished. Even though he was hot for me because let’s face it, he admitted it on several different occasions. He not only told me he cared for me, but that night when I had my freak out, he picked me up and carried me to bed, held me until I fell asleep and probably until long after, and showed me how much he actually cared for me. He could tell me all day how much he liked me, but I felt it and that meant more to me.
About ten minutes into the drive to Gabe and Autumn’s house, Paul reached over and grabbed my fidgeting hands before my knuckles started bleeding. “Stop worrying so much, gorgeous. Gabe and Autumn are gonna love you.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just … I know that they mean a lot to you, and you mean a lot to me, so I’m only hoping I don’t make an ass out of myself.”
“Are you kidding? They’re so damn excited I’ve got someone to bring for dinner, it’s going to be impossible to make a bad impression. Knowing how I feel about you, I’m willing to bet they love you already.”
Before I realized it, we were pulling into what I assumed was Gabe and Autumn’s driveway. Paul put the Jeep in park and turned off the ignition. Just as I reached for the door handle, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back. Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, he released my wrist from the other, grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in to kiss me long and deep. Once my body started to relax, he backed away and gave me a panty dropping smile.
“Relax. Let’s go have fun.” I caught my breath and got out of the car, Paul came around the back and grabbed my hand. Once we made it to the door, Paul walked in without knocking. I looked at him and he laughed. “What? He’s like my brother.”
I laughed. “I didn’t say anything.”
We walked into the kitchen and the boys greeted each other by sharing a bro hug before Paul made his way to Autumn, “Auttie!” He gave her a tight but brief hug and a peck on her cheek, then he grabbed my hand and pulled me to his side, wrapping an arm around my lower back. “Guys, this is my girl, Andi. Andi, this is Gabe and his beautiful fiancé, Autumn.”
Autumn came to me and wrapped me in a hug so tight it was hard for me to breath for a moment. “It’s great to finally meet you, Andi. Let’s make some margaritas before dinner’s ready.” She linked arms with me and led the way to the bar.