Felicity started at the flare of the match, glancing up to see Josh's powerful body outlined in the golden glow of the flame. Through the haze of her tears, she saw him turn and rake her nakedness with a merciless stare. Defensively, she snatched up the sheet that lay tangled at the foot of the bed and covered herself.
"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" he asked, contemptuous of her effort to hide herself. "I know your body as well as I know my own. I knew right away, as soon as you came back, that something was different, but I wouldn't let myself believe it, not at first. And then you wouldn't mention Winthrop's name. Every time I did, you turned white, and pretty soon, I figured it out."
"You can't believe that, Joshua!" Felicity sobbed, struggling to a sitting position. "You can't believe that I'd be unfaithful to you!"
The question was like a knife in his heart, and in self-defense, he lashed out at her. "What else am I supposed to think? What else could have happened between you and Winthrop to upset you so much?"
"He…" Felicity began, scrubbing the tears from her face and choking back her sobs. She had to make him believe her. "He kissed me and… he asked me to marry him."
Joshua's face twisted in rage. "Marry you? I hope you reminded him that you're already married!"
"Of course I did!" Felicity replied, equally angry. "And that's when I decided I had to come home."
"When you realized you were pregnant," he accused.
"No! I didn't know it then!"
"Are you trying to pretend you got pregnant after you came home?" he challenged. "That's a little hard to believe when I've been so careful…"
"You weren't careful that last night in Philadelphia!" she cried, twisting the knife in his heart.
The agony of the truth made him shudder. That was it, the thing he feared most, even more than the thought that she had betrayed him. He could forgive such a betrayal far more easily than he could forgive himself for placing her in so much danger.
"Oh, Lissy, I'm so sorry " he said, his voice an agonized whisper as he drew her into his arms. He held her rigid body against his chest, soothing her with his hands, and murmuring his broken explanations into the soft cloud of her golden hair. "I never really thought… about Winthrop… Please forgive me… I just couldn't… I know you'd never… I'm sorry…"
But she didn't believe him. The pain of his accusations still throbbed in her heart. How could he have said those things if he didn't think they were true? And how could he have said those things to her at all if he really loved her?
Gently, he lowered her back against the pillows, tenderly kissing away her tears. His hands continued to soothe her, stroking aside the sheet to caress her, and soon he was making love to her. He was infinitely patient and careful, worshiping her body with his own, but she could not respond. Her heart was frozen in her chest, freezing all her emotions. In spite of his persistent urgings, she lay unmoving beneath him. Afterward, he held her, pulling her close with a strangled moan that told her he knew the harm he had caused.
But he did not speak of it. To speak of it was to admit the depth of their pain, so neither of them spoke of it, not that night, nor the next day nor the next. Felicity had feared childbirth, had feared the death of her baby, had feared Joshua's anger and his fear, but nothing had prepared her for this cold emptiness that now pervaded her life.
The love she had been so certain of, the love that had sustained her, Joshua's love, had died. She no longer saw even a spark of it when he looked at her, his gray eyes dark and shadowed. And when he told her his plans, she was certain she had lost him.
"Felicity," he said to her a few days later, "I think you should go back to Philadelphia."
Chapter Fifteen
Felicity stared at Joshua in horror, unable to believe what he had just said to her. It was late evening, and they were sitting in the parlor, waiting for the air to cool enough for them to go to bed. But despite the heat, Joshua was pacing the room restlessly, pausing only to make his shocking suggestion that she return to Philadelphia.
"Why?" she asked, certain she did not want to hear the answer. She knew that the last place the Joshua she thought she knew would send her was Philadelphia. Unfortunately, she was very much afraid that she did not know this Joshua at all.
Josh paused again, forcing himself to look at the hurt expression on her lovely face. "I've been thinking about this a lot," he said, grossly understating the fact. In truth, he had thought of little else since she had finally admitted her condition to him and shamed him into admitting to himself that he was responsible for it. "You should have a doctor this time." Unable to stand the pain in her eyes a moment longer, he turned away.
Felicity winced at the way he turned away, as if he could not stand the sight of her. And that was probably true, if he still believed those awful things about her and Richard. She tried not to think of that, though, and concentrated on what Joshua had said. He was right. She would need a doctor this time. "There are doctors in San Antonio," she pointed out, trying to keep her voice steady. "I could go there, or even to Dallas."
Josh had already thought of that, of course. "I know, but remember what Asa said about the doctors in Philadelphia. They're the best in the world." He stood with his back to her, gazing into the empty hearth, his hands jammed into his pockets. The idea of sending her back to Philadelphia now, when things were so shaky between them, was tearing him apart. That old shark Maxwell was bound to sense her feelings and play on them. She was already somewhat of a celebrity in that town. As soon as the baby was born, Maxwell would set her up in a studio and make her the toast of Philadelphia. If she was still alive…
Josh shook off the horror of that thought and forced his attention back to the present. "I'm sure your grandfather would be glad for you to come back and stay as long as you like," he continued, masking his true feelings on the matter.
Felicity only half heard him as she tried to weigh his words for hidden meaning. The doctors in Philadelphia were the best in the world, but was that his real reason for sending her there? Or did he still doubt that the baby was his?
"Joshua," she began, unable to keep her voice from wavering slightly. "You believe me about the baby, don't you?"
"Of course!" he said, whirling to face her. Her question seared his soul, reminding him of the pain his insane accusations had caused her. "I told you I was sorry. Can't we forget I ever said that?" he asked, running a hand impatiently through his silver hair.
"Y… yes," she said reluctantly, effectively silenced. She knew he was still not certain, but his insistence that he believed her made it impossible for her to defend herself. How could she argue with someone who claimed to agree with her?
But there was still some hope. He had not mentioned his own part in this plan. "Are you going to come with me?" she asked, clinging to this final straw.
Josh studied her face a moment, trying to read her thoughts. She must hate him for what he had said to her. How could he blame her when he hated himself? Would she want his company during the months until the baby came? He at least owed her the choice. "If you… that's a long time for me to be away from the ranch, but… if you want me to come, I will," he offered stiffly, realizing suddenly how easy it would be for him to leave the land he loved so much to be with the woman he loved even more.
Felicity blinked against the sting of tears as she considered his perfunctory offer. Her worst fears were true. He did not want to go with her. He really was sending her away. But she would not cry in front of him. He had falsely accused her of adultery, had tried to deny his own child, and now he was sending her away, but she would die before she would let him see how he had hurt her. She still had some pride left. All this time she had loved him with mindless devotion. She had even humbled herself by returning to him without being summoned. What a fool she had been! But no longer.