She looked so… so shattered. The memory of how he had hoped to win her devotion with a few fevered kisses tortured him. How could he have been such a fool? And how could he have let things get so far out of control? He had never meant to force her… But he had to admit that he had, indeed, meant to somehow force her into accepting him. Now he knew that a victory on those terms was hardly a victory at all. Could he make her understand how much he regretted what had happened? Could he erase that haunted expression from her eyes? "Look, what I did…"-he gestured vaguely toward the bedroom-"I didn't mean…"
"You didn't mean!" Felicity cried in despair, jumping to her feet.
"I didn't want it to happen," he corrected, rising swiftly to face her. "But when you didn't stop me…" Seeing the stricken look in her eyes, he stopped, instantly aware that he had said exactly the wrong thing.
Felicity stared at him in total humiliation. He hadn't really wanted her, but when she did not scream or fight him off… Overwhelmed with shame, she turned, following her instinct to flee, but he caught her and hauled her back against his chest. Knowing she should fear him, and hate him, still she could not resist the comfort of his arms. Unable to fight him, she surrendered to his embrace and began to sob uncontrollably, overwhelmed by the conflicting emotions that wracked her. When her feet left the floor, she no longer even cared where he was taking her or why.
Feeling helpless and completely reprehensible, Josh carried her to the big chair and sat down in it, cradling her in his lap to offer her what comfort he could. Not knowing how to make amends for his blunder, his many blunders, he remained silent, rocking her gently while every one of her tears seemed to scald his heart. After what seemed a very long time, her sobs gentled to weeping, and then even that stopped. Still he held her close, savoring the warmth of her body and the sweet, womanly fragrance of her hair. Regardless of whether it was right or not, she was his now. He pressed her to his heart possessively, but she stiffened in protest, startling him. "Felicity?" he asked softly.
Felicity knew she should never have accepted the comfort of his arms, not after he told her he had not wanted her, had not meant to make love to her. Love. How ironic. He had also said he did not love her, even before he had taken her to bed. "Do you have a handkerchief?" she asked into his shirtfront, knowing she must stop dwelling on her humiliation and save what was left of her pride.
He shifted while he dug into a pocket. He handed the white cloth to her. Averting her head so he would not see her tear-ravaged face, she wiped her eyes and discreetly blew her nose.
"Are you all right now?" Josh asked, more than willing to pull her back into his arms, regardless of her answer.
Felicity was getting extremely tired of that question, but she nodded again, still not meeting his eyes. She sat up stiffly, acutely conscious of the fact that she was on his lap. How wonderful it had felt to be held, and how she longed for the haven of his arms again. For a moment she had almost been able to forget her shame and remember only the sweet ecstasy she had found in his embrace. But that, of course, had been only an illusion, destroyed now by her humiliation.
"I think we should get married right away," he was saying, having decided that this was the best way to reassure her. "I was thinking we could do it next Saturday. That will give us a week to get things ready."
Felicity didn't know whether the sinking feeling she experienced was relief or dread that he still wanted to marry her, but she didn't have the energy to examine it. "That sounds fine," she said numbly.
Josh knew a sudden and very profound feeling of relief. She had accepted him. For a moment there, he had thought she might refuse. He knew it would have been no more than he deserved. "Then it's settled," he agreed as a strange sense of peace engulfed him.
Felicity heard the change in his voice and finally lifted her head to see his expression. She was a little startled to discover that he looked exactly the same as always. She wondered vaguely if she did, too, or if people would know, simply from looking at her, that she was a fallen woman. Except she would not be a fallen woman. She would be a wife, his wife, although why he wanted her as his wife, she could not begin to guess.
Wife. The word echoed in her mind. She was going to be his wife. The thought made her slightly panicky. She knew nothing about being a wife or running a house or anything else that would be required of her. Her panic grew when she managed to focus on what he was saying.
"… find the circuit preacher and round up the neighbors. A week should be long enough to take care of everything. You'll need a dress, too. We can go to town on Monday to get you some dress goods. Candace will help you make it."
"You want to have a big, fancy wedding?" she asked, her eyes wide. She had pictured something very private, in keeping with the shame she felt about the whole thing.
"We can't have any hole-in-the-corner affair. People would talk," Josh pointed out, knowing that they were going to talk anyway when they learned Josh Logan was marrying a girl he'd found out on the range and had known only two days. Not that he cared, of course, not for himself, but he wanted to protect her as much as he could.
"All right," she agreed reluctantly, already imagining the ordeal of standing up in front of a lot of strangers as Josh Logan's bride. They would all be looking at her, examining her as if she were some prize horse up for auction, and speculating on her background and possibly even her morals. And then they would wonder why a man like Josh Logan had ever picked a nobody like her for his wife. She cringed inwardly.
"Good," Josh said with forced heartiness, unable to understand her lack of enthusiasm. She should have at least been relieved. Or grateful. "I'll send somebody out tomorrow to find the preacher, and if he can come, we'll invite everybody around. We'll roast a steer and even have dancing…"
Felicity tried to listen to his plans but was distracted when his arm tightened possessively around her waist, sending little shivers of reawakening desire coursing through her. Resisting the urge to surrender, to allow herself to be drawn back into the intoxicating circle of his embrace, she resolutely pushed herself away. She would give him no more reason to think her "easy."
His hands lingered on her waist for a moment, but then he let her go. She stood up and stepped away from him, still trembling a little and grateful for some distance between them. She found it difficult to think straight when she was close to him. She tried once more to concentrate on what he was saying.
Josh, however, had run out of things to say. He stopped talking to study her reaction. She didn't seem too happy about the whole thing, but that would probably be asking an awful lot under the circumstances. He should be satisfied that she had agreed at all. He hadn't intended to frighten her into it, and he would endure the guilt for that for a long time, but he'd make it up to her, and everything would be all right. Once they were married, once she was sharing his bed, things would be fine.
That thought stirred memories of their earlier encounter. Josh felt desire building in him again. Unfortunately, he did not think Felicity would be quite so willing a second time. And Candace wasn't likely to leave them alone much longer, considering the lateness of the hour. Regretfully, he said, "I reckon I'd better say good night."
Felicity nodded, once again confused by her feelings. She longed to be alone to sort out the thoughts that churned in her brain, but she felt uneasy about letting Mr. Logan out of her sight. What if he changed his mind about marrying her while he was gone? What would she do then?