"And what is that reason?" she asked, dimpling because she thought she understood that he was going to say something slightly suggestive or even totally shocking.
"Because you're going to have a baby."
At first Felicity thought she must have heard him wrong. "A baby?" she repeated incredulously.
Josh grinned expansively. Her reaction was the same as his had been. "That's right."
A baby! Felicity's mind reeled at the thought. "Are you sure? How do you know? How can you tell?" she babbled, scrambling to a sitting position so she could better examine the size of her stomach. Even when she pulled her chemise taut with both hands, she could see no visible sign that what he claimed was true.
Josh considered her stomach with mock gravity. "No, it doesn't show yet," he decided, struggling not to laugh out loud at her excitement.
"Then how do you know?" she demanded.
"Blanche told me…" he began.
"Blanche!"
"Hush," he chastened her. "I'm trying to explain. You see, she was worried about you, and so was I…"
"Worried!" she repeated in amazement. He hadn't been angry at all! She started to say that, but he glowered at her sternly, and she bit back the remark.
"As I was saying," he began again with long-suffering, "we were worried about you, and Blanche started asking me questions. She added up all your symptoms and came up with a baby."
"What symptoms do I have?" Felicity asked in alarm.
"Let's see now," he said, pretending to consider. "Sleeping in the daytime, not sleeping at night because you have to… ah… you know," he began, ticking the reasons off on his fingers. "Not being able to eat, not having your… ah… monthly…"
"You told her that!" Felicity shrieked in mortification.
"She asked me right out," Josh replied defensively. "She wanted to know how long it had been since you bled, and I told her not since we got married." Then he remembered they had not been together every single day since their wedding. "Is that right?" he asked with a frown.
Felicity nodded, flushing slightly. She had not thought anything about it, though. Sometimes she did not menstruate for months at a time, so it was nothing unusual. "And all that means I'm going to have a baby?" she asked, still not quite able to believe such a marvelous thing.
He grinned with satisfaction. "Only if you've made love with a man."
"Well, I've certainly done that," she replied without thinking, and blushed when he laughed uproariously. She watched his handsome face, marveling at the way his gray eyes danced. He was quite obviously thrilled about the baby, as thrilled as she would be as soon as the initial shock wore off.
Josh forced himself to sober when he saw how he had embarrassed her. He succeeded fairly well in silencing his laughter, but he could not quite keep his mouth from smiling. Looking down at her, noticing for the thousandth time how utterly lovely she was, he realized how very lucky he was to have found her. In three short months she had given his life a fullness, a richness that he had not even known was missing. Now she had fulfilled his dream of a child, too. "You've given me everything I ever wanted," he said, gently stroking the burnished gold of her hair.
Felicity's eyes widened at his words. This was the closest he had ever come to acknowledging any deeper feelings for her. Frantically, she tried to analyze his statement, to examine it for hidden meanings. What could Joshua Logan have wanted that she had been able to give him? Unable to imagine having made any other contribution to his life, she was left with only one possibility. She clearly recalled the conversation they had had months ago during their "honeymoon," when he had spoken of his love for his ranch and how years from now Logans would still live here. "You're really happy about the baby, aren't you?" she asked, almost wishing that he would deny it, hoping he would insist she was all he cared about, but knowing how foolish such a wish was.
"Of course I'm happy about the baby," he hastened to reassure her, puzzled over the worried frown that marred her perfect face. Women certainly got peculiar notions. He smiled tenderly, wanting to put her mind at ease on the subject once and for all. "The reason I wanted to get married in the first place was because I wanted children." How long ago that seemed now, he thought, a time and place when he'd believed any woman would do, so long as she could provide him an heir.
His words stung her, and she winced inwardly with the pain of betrayal. How easily he made a mockery of her love, of all the tender feelings he had inspired in her. He had only wanted to get married so he could have a child! Of course, that explained everything, why he had proposed to her in the first place and even why he had seduced her before their wedding. He had wanted to be certain she would be satisfactory. It also explained why he had been such an eager lover since their marriage. He wanted to get her with child, and now he had succeeded. The burgeoning joy she felt over her pregnancy smothered under the realization that he had never cared for her at all.
Josh frowned, easily reading the sadness in her large, expressive eyes but unable to understand the reason for it. Only a moment ago she had been as pleased about the baby as he, but now… The cold fingers of apprehension stroked along his spine as he considered the possible causes. Had she begun to think about the dangers of pregnancy and childbirth? How clearly he remembered his mother refusing his father because she did not want any more children. Her protest, "I almost died the last time!" echoed in his brain.
But Felicity wouldn't die. He wouldn't let her. He would take care of her and protect her. She would get the best care any pregnant woman had ever received. Tempering his urge to crush her to him, he slipped his arms around her gently and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead, contenting himself with this brief taste even though his body burned for her. "I wouldn't mind making love to you right now," he murmured in a masterpiece of understatement, knowing that he would now have to moderate his desires because of her delicate condition.
Felicity closed her eyes against the pain his words caused. He wouldn't mind making love to her, but he wasn't going to. She could tell from the way he was holding her. But she could not let him know how devastated she was to learn his passion had not been for her at all, but for the child she would produce. She knew she had not yet earned his love, but at least she had thought he wanted her. Now even that was gone. "You don't have to now," she said, forcing a lightness to her tone. "I'm already… pregnant," she added, trying out the word she had never dared to speak aloud before.
Josh frowned. Was she telling him she no longer wanted to make love with him? In all the months of their marriage, she had never refused him, and he had assumed she enjoyed it as much as he. She'd certainly seemed to. But perhaps now she was concerned over her pregnancy, too. As difficult as it would be, he would honor her wishes. Reluctantly, he released her from his embrace. "You're right, I don't have to make love to you now," he said with an understanding smile, wondering how long he should wait and hoping the waiting would not drive him insane.
Felicity watched him rise from the bed, unable to wrench her gaze from the sight of his smile. How pleasant he was being about the whole thing, but then, he wouldn't want to upset her. That would be bad for the baby.
"I'm going to take good care of you, Lissy," he promised, confirming her suspicions. "You just go back to sleep now, and this time try to dream happy dreams," he added, tapping her nose playfully.
She managed to hold her tears until the door closed softly behind him. So intense was her agony, she drew her knees to her chest and clutched them tightly, muffling her sobs in the bedclothes. What had she ever done to deserve this? she wondered bitterly. What should have been the happiest news of her life had been ruined. A baby, Joshua's baby, grew inside of her, a tiny spark of life that was the fruit of the love she bore her husband, a tiny person whom she already loved fiercely. How unfair that her husband loved only the child.