Oh yes, more practical matters. Something for the tombstone, she thought bitterly. Why couldn't they just leave her alone with her baby? "I'd like to call him Caleb, after my father," she said instead.
Josh smiled sadly. "I thought you wanted to name him after me," he reminded her. They had discussed the matter several times, and Felicity had been adamant that a firstborn son should be named for his father.
Felicity's head snapped up. He could not be serious. Surely he did not want to waste his name on a dead baby.
"How about Caleb Joshua?" he suggested, seeing her uncertainty.
Felicity nodded, still not able to understand him, but unwilling to analyze his offer too closely. It was the name she would have chosen herself had she suspected his willingness to accept it.
"Gus made a… a box," he said, loath to use the word "coffin." "And we're going to put him right next to my father."
"That will be nice," she said inanely, not knowing what response was appropriate. The thought of putting her baby in a box in the ground was too horrifying even to contemplate.
They sat in silence for a while, as Felicity made her peace with the fact that she would never see her child again. Then Blanche came in and took him for the last time. Once more Felicity kissed the cold brow, and once more Joshua held her while she wept.
Although no one told her what they were doing, she heard them come and carry the coffin out of the house. Joshua left her then, promising to return soon, and Blanche came in to sit with her. Her body still ached, but she could already notice an improvement, even after only twenty-four hours. Her heart was another matter entirely. Nothing would ever ease that agony.
"I know it's hard to believe right now, but someday soon it won't hurt quite as much," Blanche said.
Felicity stared at her.
"Oh, it never goes away completely. You'll always miss him, always wonder what kind of a man he might have become if he'd only had a chance, but the pain gets so you can live with it, after a while." Seeing Felicity's skepticism, she added, "I know. I've buried two myself."
"Blanche!" Felicity cried out in instant sympathy. How could anyone survive this twice? "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Blanche smiled sadly. "I didn't want to scare you. And I didn't want you to feel sorry for me, either. It's not much comfort, I know, but you're young and healthy. You'll have another chance, and maybe next time you'll be lucky. It won't make you forget the one you lost, but it will give you something to hope for."
As usual, Blanche's forthrightness had helped Felicity over a difficult situation. For the first time since she had awakened to discover her loss, she thought she might survive it.
Felicity gazed out the ranch house window at the endless stretch of prairie. Winter had turned the emerald grass a golden brown, curing the nourishing feed into hay right on the stem so the cattle could graze all year round. A very efficient process, she reflected absently, making it possible for a rancher to run thousands of head of cattle. If they had had to worry about penning and feeding so many cows, even during the relatively short Texas winter, then ranching would have been impossible.
But Felicity was not inclined to count such blessings today. A blue norther had blown in during the night, dropping the temperature below freezing and whipping stinging snow flurries across the prairie. Outside the wind howled, sending blue-black cloud scudding across the broad sky. Felicity pulled her new Paisley shawl more closely around her as the wind found a tiny crack beside the window and stole inside.
The shawl had been a Christmas gift from Joshua. She had never dreamed of actually owning such a fine garment. It must have cost at least twenty-five dollars. Even Blanche had said she'd never seen one so beautiful. A gift like that should have made Felicity extremely happy. Wasn't it proof that Joshua still cared for her even though she'd lost his child?
But he'd bought the shawl before the baby died, the voice of reason reminded her, back when he thought he would be honoring the mother of his son. And now, more than two months later, he still would not sleep with her. He had moved all his things back into his old bedroom, claiming that he did not want to disturb her rest while she recovered.
But she was recovered, completely, and she was tired of sleeping alone in their bed. She wanted her husband back. She wanted things to be the way they had been before. But how could she explain that to Joshua? And would it make any difference? What if he did not want things to be the way they were before?
Weary from her thoughts, she turned away from the window and returned to her seat by the hearth in hopes of chasing away the chill that seemed permanently settled in her soul. Picking up the Bible that lay on the table beside her chair, she flipped it open, turning automatically to the book of II Samuel and the story of David and Bathsheba. Not the part about their adultery, but the part where God punished them by killing their child. At first, right after her baby's death, Felicity had tortured herself, wondering what evil she might have done to have caused her baby's death. That phase was over now. Now she simply accepted the fact, as Blanche had assured her she would one day.
Still the story drew her, and she read it once again, up to the verse where David learns of the baby's death and says, "Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." For the first time, she continued to read, her eyes drawn by something she had never noticed before in the next verse.
"And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her; and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon."
David comforted his wife and she bare him a son! Of course! That was what Felicity needed. She needed Joshua's comfort. And she needed another son. That was the hope Blanche had told her about.
Felicity's lips twitched into a smile, her first real smile in a long time. It was all so simple, she didn't know why she had not realized it before. All she had to do was tell Joshua… That thought stopped her. How could she explain to him that she wanted him to move back into their room so he would make love to her and give her another baby? Joshua seemed perfectly at ease discussing such personal things, but Felicity knew she never would be. Maybe if she hinted…
But no, Felicity had hinted on more than one occasion that he need not sleep in the other room. He had ignored her. She would have to do more than hint if she wanted him back. Her smile puckered into a worried frown as she considered various possibilities.
After supper Josh sat down beside the fire, sincerely wondering if he would ever get warm again. All day long he had been riding against the icy wind looking for cows that had drifted too far afield trying to outrun the storm. Even his heavy sheepskin jacket had not adequately protected him from the cold. Now he turned his chair toward the hearth and stretched out his long legs in an attempt to absorb as much heat as possible into his frozen bones.
"Are you still cold?" Felicity asked. She, too, had pulled her chair closer to the fire.
"I'm starting to thaw," he allowed warily, glancing toward her and then quickly returning his gaze to the flickering flames. She had been acting strangely all evening. Well, not strange exactly, but different. He should have been glad to see the pall of sadness finally lift from her eyes, but those eyes were making him very uncomfortable.
She'd been watching him ever since the moment he'd come through the front door. Her smile of greeting had cheered him instantly until he noticed the overbright glitter of her eyes. She was just a little too happy to see him and more than a little too eager to please. Several times during the evening she had touched him, fleeting little brushes of her hands that lingered just a second too long to be accidental.