With heart-wrenching certainty, he knew what she wanted, and it was the same thing he wanted, too. She wanted to make love. Long ago, before tragedy had entered their lives, he had seen her like this often. He had lived to see her eyes kindle with desire, and in the past few months the sight of her face alight with wanting him had haunted his dreams.
Now she was almost giddy with that desire, although he supposed she would have died of embarrassment if she had realized how obvious her feelings were. In the past she had always waited for him to make the first move, only letting herself respond when she was sure of his intentions. But would she wait tonight? And what would she do when she discovered he had no intention of making love with her?
Felicity waited in vain for the invitation she wanted him to make, the invitation that would have followed naturally during the early days of their marriage. He would have said that he was freezing, and would she come over and warm him up? Then he would have pulled her down into his lap and kissed her in prelude to carrying her off to their bedroom.
Self-consciously, she touched the sleek line of her hair. Did he no longer find her attractive? Uncertain hands smoothed her dress. She had her figure back now. Surely he had noticed. But what if he had noticed and still did not want her?
No, she insisted silently, he did still want her. It was just that he thought she was still sick. No one had told him otherwise, but she would remedy that. "Spring will be here soon," she said conversationally. "I certainly would like to get some winter photographs before the trees leaf out. Especially that tree where we had the picnic, remember?"
Josh nodded, not daring to look at her as memories of that happy day flooded back to torment him.
"Now that I'm completely recovered, maybe you'd take me out on the first nice day after this storm breaks," she suggested.
"Cody would be more help," Josh said, knowing he could not trust himself alone with her under that tree.
"But you'd be more fun," she said, forcing herself to smile in what she hoped was an attractive manner and placing her hand on his arm.
Josh almost winced when he felt her touch and saw the fragile hope shimmering in her eyes. How could he smash that hope? But he would have to, and soon. "Lissy," he began, uncertain of what to say next.
Her name was enough. He had not called her "Lissy" since the day of the funeral, and at the sound of the word, her heart melted. No longer proud or even embarrassed, she flung herself out of her chair and into his arms.
"Oh, Joshua," she breathed against the warm curve of his neck before lifting her mouth for his kiss.
Desire scorched through him like wildfire, igniting every particle of his body. The smell, the taste, the feel of her were unspeakably wonderful, and like a man long starved, he wanted nothing more than to devour her. For one blissful second he held her fast, feasting on the lips she gave so willingly. Only at the last moment did sanity prevail.
Using his last ounce of strength, he pushed her away and held her there. "We can't do this," he said hoarsely, his breath coming in ragged gasps.
"Yes, we can," she assured him with a tremulous smile. "I'm fine now! Candace said-"
"I know you're fine, but we still can't do this. I can't make love to you, Felicity. Can't and won't," he added grimly.
Felicity stared at him in horror. The "can't" made no sense to her, but she understood the "won't" only too well. Humiliation welled up in her until she felt her very breath strangle in her throat. With a cry of anguish she broke free of him and scrambled to her feet. Away, she had to get away. She had made a fool of herself, throwing herself at a man who didn't want her. How could she ever face him again?
Catching up her skirts, she ran toward the sanctuary of her bedroom, but he was right behind her. When she would have slammed the door, he caught it and pushed it open again, sending her flying across the room.
"Get out of here!" she cried, frantically dashing away the tears that had already begun to streak down her face. What more could he want now that he had stripped her of the last vestiges of her pride?
"I have to explain," Josh said, cursing himself for a bumbling fool. How could he have handled this so badly? How could he have made her cry again when he had sworn he would protect her for the rest of her life? "There's a good reason why we can't make love ever again."
"I don't want to hear it!" she shouted. Did he expect her to stand here and listen to him say he did not want her anymore? Her old suspicions about him and Blanche rushed up again.
"Yes, you do," he shouted back, grabbing her by the arms and shaking her slightly. "Listen to me!" he commanded.
Unable to resist, she obeyed, but she refused to look at his face, focusing instead on one of his shirt buttons. How could she bear this?
"Felicity," he began, tempering his voice to gentleness, "if I… if we make love, sooner or later you'll get pregnant again."
Her eyes flew to his face, her mouth open in wonder. He had guessed her purpose, but why should he resist? He wanted a child as much as she did. Hadn't he prophesied that a hundred years from now Logans would still be living here?
Josh took a deep breath to steady himself against the onslaught of emotions her nearness and the vulnerability in her eyes produced. "If you have another baby, I'm afraid… I'm afraid you'll die."
She quailed under the impact of his words. Die? No! Such a thing was unthinkable. "I won't die," she insisted. "I didn't die this time and-"
"You almost did," he said grimly. "If I hadn't… done what I did, you would have."
Felicity shook her head in silent denial, but she knew he was right. They had never spoken of what had happened during the final stages of the delivery. Felicity had been afraid to find out his real reasons, afraid to learn that he had only been trying to save the baby. Now it seemed the truth was even more awful.
"Blanche and Candace came to me afterward. They told me that more than likely, any child I give you will be too big for you to deliver. Some women just aren't built for childbirth, and you're one of them. I won't put you through that again, Lissy. I can't."
"But the first time is always hard," she argued, unwilling to even acknowledge what his words would mean to their marriage. "Next time it will be easier! I promise!"
Josh shook his head. "I can't take that chance," he said, rubbing his hands gently up and down her arms. He took another deep breath and let it out on a shuddering sigh. "I love you too much to lose you, Lissy. I can't spend the rest of my life alone, knowing that I killed you."
"No!" she cried in protest, burying her face against his chest. How could this be happening? Joshua, her beloved Joshua, had just said he loved her, the words she had longed to hear for almost a year. Why did she feel as if her heart had been torn from her body? He loved her but he would not make love to her because he loved her too much to lose her. The irony of it made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. The choking sound that struggled out of her throat was a sob.
He held her as she cried, savoring the delicious warmth of her body next to his and knowing that when he let her go this time, he could not hold her again. After a long time her weeping ceased, and still they clung to each other.
"Joshua?" she said, her voice small and muffled against his chest. "I love you, too."
Josh crushed her to him, blinking rapidly so he would not disgrace himself. How could such beautiful words cause so much pain?
Her embrace was as fierce as his. The knowledge that he loved her and that he still wanted her made her strong. "We don't have to be apart anymore," she ventured. "I mean, you can sleep with me even though we can't…"
But Josh shook his head. "It's hard enough keeping my hands off you when you're on the other side of the house, Lissy. I'm not a saint."
Felicity pulled back so she could see his face. "But there must be something, something we don't know about. Candace isn't a doctor. Maybe if I saw a doctor, he could help. He could think of something, I know!"