"We won't," Josh said, arms akimbo. Dr. Lowell made a hasty exit.
Felicity winced as the parlor door slammed shut. An examination. She wasn't sure just what an examination by a doctor would involve, having never had one before, but from Joshua's reaction, it must be quite unpleasant. How could she let a strange man look at her body, perhaps even touch it? But if that would mean she and Joshua could be together again, if it would mean they could have another child, she would endure anything. "Maybe it won't be so bad," she ventured.
"He's not going to lay a finger on you, Felicity," Josh decreed, pacing furiously around the room. "I saw the way he looked at you. Doctor or not, he's still a man, and I won't hear of it."
Felicity nodded numbly as she tried to sort out the ramifications of his statement. If the doctor couldn't examine her, then how would she ever find out if she could have another baby? She would never hold her own living child in her arms. The mere thought made her shudder. And if there could be no child, that meant she and Joshua could never make love again. How could they live together under those circumstances? And how long would it be before a young, healthy man like Joshua got tired of sleeping alone and sent his useless wife away? The possibilities were too horrible even to contemplate.
"Joshua, I… I want to have another baby," she began, fighting the sting of tears. She had to change his mind about the examination.
"Of course you do," Josh said, rushing to her side, his anger gone. "I do, too, but not if it will endanger your life," he said, going down on one knee beside her chair and taking her hands in his.
"But we don't know whether it will or not unless the doctor examines me…"
"Felicity, do you have any idea what that means?" he asked impatiently.
"I… I think so," she admitted reluctantly, not wanting to think about it.
"Are you willing to lie there, naked, and let that man put his hands on you?" Josh asked in quiet outrage at the very thought.
The idea horrified her, but she could endure it, she knew. "But what if the doctor tells me I can have another baby?" she argued.
"He won't," Josh said sadly.
"How do you know?" she insisted. "Nobody knows until-"
"I know," he insisted. "Look at me, Lissy."
Startled by his command, Felicity stared at him.
"Look at me," he repeated, his voice raw. "And then look at yourself. I'm twice as big as you are. That's what caused the problem in the first place. The baby, my baby, was too big for you, and it almost killed you. Don't you understand? Any baby I give you will be too big. No doctor in the world can change that."
"Oh, Joshua," she cried as his image blurred before her. She had known that, but she simply hadn't let herself believe it before. Hearing it again from his own lips was too awful, too final, and she did not think she could bear it.
And then his arms were around her, cradling her as she sobbed out her anguish. Somehow he lifted her and then she was in his lap, her tears soaking into his shirt. Those tears should have brought release, but instead they seemed to scald her very soul, defying even the comfort that Joshua offered.
Josh held her fiercely, silently cursing the powers that had given them each other and then snatched away their chance at happiness. As he muffled her sobs against his chest, he wondered how much tragedy one so tiny could absorb. First she had lost her father and then their child. Then came the news about her grandfather and now this. How much could she endure without shattering?
At that moment he would have given his life to protect her from even one more moment's misery. Unfortunately, no one was willing to make such a trade with him. "Don't cry, Ussy," he murmured into her hair as his hands tried to soothe her.
But his attempt to comfort only made her cry harder. "I love you so much, so very much," she cried brokenly, overwhelmed by his tenderness.
Josh closed his own eyes over the sting of tears, understanding her feelings only too well. The word "love" no longer described the depth of what he felt for her. Unable to find any words that did, he simply whispered, "I know," and held her even more tightly.
For a long time they sat like that until Felicity was too weak even to cry anymore. Then Joshua carried her upstairs and put her in bed. His tender solicitude sent new, silent tears trickling down her cheeks, but he wiped those away and ordered her to sleep.
"Don't think about it anymore," he urged as he kissed her gently. "Just rest now." With that he closed the draperies and left her alone in the darkened room.
She did not sleep and she did not forget, but after a while the pain receded enough that she thought she might be able to bear it. By evening, she had even regained her composure. She had her grandfather to consider, after all. If she wanted to make his last days pleasant, she could not spend her time weeping over something she could not change. At least she still had Joshua. That was more than many women had. Somehow they would make a good life together.
When Joshua climbed into their bed and put his arms around her that night, she whispered, "I love you. I know everything will work out."
He said nothing to disillusion her.
The thing Felicity liked best about Philadelphia was how close everything was to everything else. The first Saturday night after their fancy clothes arrived, Richard took Josh and Felicity to the Walnut Street Theater-only a short carriage ride away-to see the play Divorce.
Josh tried not to put too much significance on the play's title, even though he could not help but notice the way Richard's original warmth toward Felicity had heated up considerably. Now that Josh saw her sitting in a box at the theater, dressed in a magnificent new gown and surrounded by Richard's fawning friends, he could easily imagine what plans Richard might be making.
Any fool could see that Maxwell adored Felicity. If the old man really was dying-something Josh had a difficult time believing regardless of what his doctor said-he would doubtless leave the bulk of his fortune to his granddaughter. The fact that Richard coveted Maxwell's wealth was painfully obvious. The way he flaunted that wealth to impress Josh and Felicity proved it.
Josh glanced across the box to where his wife was sitting surrounded by the young men attracted by her beauty during the intermission. And she was a beauty, even without the embellishment of the blue silk gown. Her hair glowed under the artificial lights, shining more golden than even the jewelry her aunt had insisted she wear tonight. The stones, Isabel had said, were sapphires. They were set into an intricate filigree and flashed now at Felicity's ears and throat. But the cold beauty of the stones could not compare with the dazzling sparkle of Felicity's even bluer eyes as she laughed happily at some jest one of her admirers had made.
Like the sapphire stones which showed to better advantage in their golden settings, Felicity, too, showed well in this setting. Her dress, the color of a robin's egg, was cut low to reveal the lush curve of her bosom and cut tight to emphasize the supple slenderness of her body. The skinny little girl he had found out on the prairie was gone forever, replaced by the exquisite creature before him.
Josh reflected sardonically that he had once vowed never to fall in love with her. How idiotic such a notion seemed now as he watched perfect strangers succumbing to her spell. He had been doomed from the first moment, from the instant she had fainted into his arms. The irony of it was that his love could only bring her suffering… and possibly even death.
He wasn't a fool. He knew that the two of them could not live together for long without making love. Sooner or later it would happen again, just as it had happened once already. That time they had been lucky and Felicity had not conceived, but would they be lucky the next time? Taking her back to Texas with him might cost her life.