“I see it Phillip. I even feel it, but I choose not to cross the line. I care too much about you to throw our friendship away on a fling.” I cross my arms in front of my chest, indicating that my word on this is final.
“Who said anything about a fling? And you crossed WAY over that line with Danny, and you guys are still friends.” He is sort of muttering to himself now, “Of course you would've never lasted anyway. You're too much alike, think way outside the box, hate to be told what to do. Always right, even when you're wrong.”
“True, we probably would've fought like crazy.” It surprises me that the thought of Danny and I together still seems to bug him. “But what's that got to do with us?”
“Probably? You do fight like crazy.”
He can't seem to get off the Danny subject, so I give in on that point and say, “I know. That's why he and Lori are so great together. She's so grounded. She's just like…..”
Then I stop.
I realize what I was about to say and think back to yesterday's conversation with Danny.
The kite thing.
Shit.
Does Phillip fly me?
Is he just like Lori, hanging on and letting me do my thing, all the while keeping me safe and close by? Is he perfect for me?
Phillip interrupts my thoughts by saying, “Finish your sentence.”
“Um. No.” I shake my head.
I can't.
“JJ,” he warns.
“FINE. I was going to say, um, she's just like you.”
“And?” he prods.
“And you're probably perfect for me.” I sigh big. “See? See the problem? I have a major conflict of interest here.”
“A conflict of interest?” He looks at me like I'm nuts.
“Yes.”
“What exactly do you mean?” Phillip needs to know this because he is so exact about everything.
“Well, everyone thinks you and I belong together. Part of me agrees. We get along great. I love to be around you, but the conflicting side of me thinks I shouldn't risk it. And besides, I really don't think we should worry about what other people think.”
“Fine. So what do you think?”
“No fair. You go first. What do you think?”
Phillip takes a moment, gathers his thoughts and says carefully, “Well, I do think we have a fair amount of chemistry.”
“Chemistry,” I laugh. “Are you serious? You treat me like your sister.”
“No, I do not. I'm much nicer to you, than I am to my sister. Trust me when I say I have feelings for you that are probably illegal to have about a sister.”
I laugh nervously. I did not know this at all.
“I know in your mind,” he says, poking me on my forehead, “you think of me as a brother.” He switches his line of thought and says, “Do you ever feel tingly when I hold your hand?”
“Um.”
“Do you get excited to hear my voice at the end of the day? Do you like to be with me?”
“Uh.”
“People are right. You and I definitely have a thing. What they don't understand is that we've never acted on it. I'm thinking we should,” he says confidently.
“You do?” I'm surprised.
“Well, what have we got to lose?”
“Uh, duh. Each other. And I really like you, Phillip.”
“No Princess, you don't like me, you are totally in love with me. You're just too stubborn to admit it.”
I look at his eyes because surely he must be joking, but he appears very serious.
“Fine,” I say, temporarily giving in and avoiding the love topic. “I'll go out with you sometime. Where do you want to go?”
“Mexico.”
“Mexico?”
“Yeah, trial run. If it doesn't work out, no one needs to know. We'll just come back to the way things are now,” he adds, scowling.
“How's that?” I ask puzzled.
“You torturing and teasing me and then walking away.”
“I don't do that!”
“You did last night.”
“Phillip, don't you get it? I don't want to lose you. You're my family, my only family. I'd be alone if it weren't for you.” I swear I'm about ready to cry. My eyes start tearing up, and I choke out, “Why can't you get this?”
“You're not going to lose me,” He runs his hand through my messy hair and down the side of my face.
Oh, that feels so good. I melt slightly and close my eyes for a minute.
“How can you say that? How can you be so sure?” I question. “You know my history. I always lose the guy!”
“Yeah, well that's because they're always the wrong guy.”
“And you think you're the right one?”
“Yeah. I do. I'm the one,” he says, pointing to his chest.
I picture him as Tarzan. Me. Take you. Jane.
Then I focus back to what he is saying.
“I've been here for you all along. I've listened to you cry about other guys, I rescue you, take care of you when you're sick, hug you when you're sad, tell you you're beautiful when you look terrible.” He looks me straight in the eyes and is dead serious when he says, “Princess, I've always been the one.”
I give up.
“I know,” I sigh. “So Mexico, huh? And you promise if it doesn't work out or we fight, we agree to pretend it never happened?”
“What happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico,” he says, with a twinkle in his eye and a big smile on his face.
“Let me think about it,” I say diplomatically.
He takes the coffee cup away from me and sets it on my nightstand. “While you're at it, think about this.”
Then he leans in and kisses me right on the lips.
Very thoroughly.
I can't help but kiss him back. I completely relax, all defense slipping away.
Damn.
Then he stops, gets up and walks out my door without another word.
Wow.
And he's right because I can't seem to think about anything else.
Finals are over, we've all managed to graduate, and I'm on the beach in Cancun, Mexico. Phillip and I are walking hand in hand in the moonlight.
It's a very romantic setting.
I can hear the sound of the ocean lapping onto the beach. The moonlight is shimmering off the water and in the sky.
It even feels romantic.
The sand is rough between my toes, and the water keeps coming up onto the beach to caress my bare feet.
Phillip stops and kisses me, and it's really wonderful.
When I kiss Phillip, I feel like I'm home, like I'm exactly where I belong. It's a weird, and wonderful, and very scary feeling.
Maybe he's right. Maybe I am in love with him.
If only I weren't so afraid of losing him.
“Stop thinking so much,” he says, reading my mind. “Where is Miss Spontaneous when I need her? Any other time and you'd be dancing on the beach, making out with the guy. Do me a favor, Princess, relax and enjoy this.”
I try to relax, and I have to admit the kisses help.
I can tell Phillip would like there to be more going on than kissing, but every time he presses the issue, I feel myself pulling back.
I am just not ready.
The next morning, IT'S AMAZING because Danny and I are the first ones at our breakfast table. I thought for a second that we were the first ones up because that never happens, but Danny informs me that Lori and Phillip went out for an early morning run, and the parents are already golfing.
Typical.
“So how did it go with Phillip last night?” He raises his eyebrows up and down, hoping to hear some juicy details.
“Well, we kissed”