The Accidental sorcerer

The princess looked down her nose. 'Not intentionally'

'Rightl' squawked Reg. 'I've had this. You and me, madam, parasols at twenty paces, and — '

He grabbed her and pushed her beak-first among the cushions. We seem to have strayed from the topic. I believe Your Highness was wondering how Reg and I met…'

'Well, yes, I was,' agreed the princess. 'But now I'm wondering what the wretched bird's lung capacity is.'

He rescued Reg and dangled her in front of his face.'Have you quite finished?'

She spat out a beakful of cushion fluff, gasping. 'Gerald Dunwoody!' 'I'm sorry, Reg, but Her Highness — ' 'Oh, call me Melissande,' said the princess.

'Thank you, Your — Melissande,' he said, surprised.'And you can call me Gerald.' Her lips quirked in a wry smile. 'Yes, I know' She was the most irritating woman…

Wriggling free of his grasp, Reg hopped onto the nearest cherub's dimpled buttocks and scowled. 'If you must know, madam, and not that it's any of your business, Gerald and I met when he helped me out of a sticky situation.'

Remembering, he laughed. 'Literally. I was in the local woods, looking for fresh wizard's beard for one of my First Year assignments, and practically fell over her. She'd managed to get herself gummed up in some bird lime and was swearing so hard she didn't hear me coming. So I ungummed her and we've been stuck with each other ever since.'

'Gracious,' said Melissande, dryly. 'It sounds positively romantic'

'Romantic?' screeched Reg.'If you don't mind, I'm old enough to be his — ' 'Yes?'

'Aunty,' said Reg, eyes gleaming. 'Gerald's problem is he can't resist a damsel in distress.'

'Well then," said Melissande, 'lucky for him I'm not in distress.' 'Or a damsel.'

'Anyway…' he said quickly, 'about the Kallarapi delegation…'

Melissande drummed her fingers on her knee. 'Yes. About them. Prince Nerim is Sultan Zazoor's younger brother; his official title is Blood of the Sultan. I get the feeling if there'd been another brother to send he'd have been spared a long camel ride. Shugat is the sultan's holy man. He's the most important religious figure in Kallarap. Nerim's a lightweight. Shugat's the one to look out for.'

'And what do you think they're hoping to get out of this meeting?"

She pulled a face. 'From the number of camels they brought, I think they're expecting to take a lot of our money with them when they go.'

'Are there enough funds in Treasury to cover the entire debt?'

Melissande hesitated, her expression troubled. 'Barely,' she said at last. 'But it pretty much wipes us out. Since he took the throne Lional's been a bit… extravagant, in places. If we could just get terms for an extended period of payment… I'm sure Zazoor would agree, he's not unreasonable.' 'And what about His Majesty?'

'I don't know. He — ' She stopped, distracted by the delighted cries and excited hand-waving from a long crocodile line of schoolgirls out for an airing. Gritting her teeth she smiled a professional, painted-on smile and waved back. 'Sometimes,' she muttered, as the schoolgirls squealed and clutched at each other despite their scandalised mistress, 'I think I should just put myself in the zoo and be done with it.'

'Good idea,' said Reg. 'You can have my cage, I won't be using it any time soon.'

Melissande glared. 'Don't count on it.' The carriage rounded a corner into yet another tree-lined avenue of stately buildings, leaving the schoolgirls behind. She heaved a sigh of relief and stopped waving.

'All right,' he said. 'Let's assume the worst and say the king categorically refuses to pay up. What are the chances of the Kallarapi deciding to, I don't know, take back New Ottosland in lieu of monies owed?'

'I haven't a clue. But let's hope it doesn't come to that,' Melissande replied. 'If they did decide to invade we'd have no hope of stopping them.'

Disconcerted, Gerald considered her grim expression. 'Why not?'

'Because quite apart from the fact that the Kallarapi have an ancient and sophisticated warrior tradition and we don't, the only army we've got is Rupert's old tin soldiers in the nursery'

Reg choked. 'What do you mean, you've got no army? What self-respecting kingdom doesn't have its own army?'

'We did have one, once," the princess said, defensive. 'But nobody ever attacked us. All the soldiers did was sit around eating and playing dice. They were costing the crown a fortune, so one of the Lionals — number twenty-seven, I think — pensioned them off.We never missed them.'

Until now. Gerald shook his head. Deary, deary me, as Reg would say. This lot really are in a pickle. Wliat a pity they can't pension off the current King Lional…

'So let me get this straight, Your — Melissande,' he said carefully. 'In all the centuries since New Ottosland was established the Kallarapi never once tried to invade you or — '

'Never. They're a scrupulously honourable people, Gerald. When they signed the treaty that established New Ottosland they swore an oath to never attack us, and they take their oaths seriously.'

'How seriously? I mean, what's the penalty for breaking one?'

'You don't want to know,' said Melissande. 'Vomiting in public is so uncouth.'

This was just getting better and better. 'So if His Majesty doesn't pay up then as far as the Kallarapi are concerned he's an oath-breaker?'

'Well, nobody's actually come right out and said it, but…'

'If the crown fits,' Reg concluded, and ruffled her feathers.'Glory gumboots.And if the Kallarapi do declare him an oath-breaker then all bets are off. Deary, deary me, you lot really are in the privy, aren't you?'

Melissande sighed. 'Yes. To be honest, I'm afraid this audience today might be a case of too little, too late. I've tried to convince myself it's not, but — '

Reg gave a snort of disgust. 'But in fact, ducky, the light at the end of the tunnel is most likely the sun glinting on a million righteous Kallarapi swords!'

'I know!' said Melissande, freckles pronounced against her sudden pallor. 'Why do you think I'm so worried?'

'You're worried?' Reg retorted. 'What about my Gerald? Your nincompoop of a brother is obviously under the misguided impression his wizard's a one-man army in disguise!'

In which case King Lional was destined to be bitterly disappointed.'It's out of the question,' Gerald said, leaning forward. 'I'm not an oath-breaker either, Melissande. I won't be a party to — '

'Violence, I knowV she shouted.'But Gerald, you have to do something! You said it yourself! It's your duty!'

'His duty?' shrieked Reg, before he could protest on his own behalf. 'And what about yours? What kind of prime minister lets matters get sucked this far down the gurgler, eh? Well, don't just sit there like a soggy pudding, madam. Answer me!'

Melissande's face now burned a dull red. 'You don't understand. It's not as — '

'Oh, I understand, all right!' snapped Reg. 'You and your idiot brother have made a complete mess of things and now you expect Gerald to pull your bacon out of the fire before it's burned to a crisp! Well let me tell you something, ducky, I won't have it! I won't have you — '

'Oh, shut up, you stupid bird!' cried Melissande, and threw the nearest pillow.

'Hey!' said Gerald, catching the pillow and tossing it out of the carriage. 'Don't you tell her to shut up! She's got a point! I'm a wizard, not a miracle-worker, and I've only been here a day. Now you expect me to solve an international crisis with one snap of my fingers? What are you, crazy?

'Of course she is,' said Reg, nodding vigorously. 'Didn't I tell you it runs in the family? Perhaps next time you'll listen when I — '

'If you don't shut up,' hissed Melissande,'I swear I'll feed you to Boris! For your information I am not crazy, I'm desperate! In fact I am so desperate I'm prepared to entrust the fate of my kingdom and all its subjects to a Third Class wizard who takes advice from some freakish mutated parrot with terminal verbal diarrhoea!' She laughed, somewhat wildly. Which means I must be crazy!' Abruptly, the laughter exploded into a loud sob. 'Oh damnV she cried, threw herself face down into the remaining cushions, and burst into tears.