The Accidental sorcerer

For a heartbeat he considered lying. For her own good, naturally. Then he discarded the idea. Not only would she probably not believe him, if she did then found out later he'd deceived her, well… 'Fine. On one condition: whatever gets said in this room stays in this room.'

She sighed. 'Naturally. Shocking as it sounds I do have a passing familiarity with discretion, Gerald.' Also with sarcasm. He nodded. 'Right.'

But when he tried to put the call through, nothing happened.

'Don't look at me,' said Melissande. 'It was working last night when I spoke to the Babishkian Minister for Trade about their last shipment of grooslok.Try it again.' Stomach churning, he tried it again. Still nothing.

'Maybe it's you,' said Melissande. 'You're concussed, that could — '

'No,' said Reg, frowning. 'It's not Gerald. The etheretic transductors have gone hinky' 'The what?' said Melissande blankly.

Reg looked down her beak. 'The etheretic transductors, ducky. The squillions of teeny tiny thaumaletic particles bumping around in the atmosphere acting as crystal ball carrier waves.' She sniffed. 'I hope you didn't pay a lot for this Madam Rinky Tinky's correspondence course. Because if she doesn't know enough to teach you about etheretic transductors, madam, I'd say you've done your dosh.'

'It's none of your business how much I paid,' said Melissande, colouring. 'And anyway, all that technical stuff isn't covered until next year.'

'Well, if this Madam Rinky Tinky doesn't know-enough to teach her First Year students about etheretic transductors, the dangers associated with, I'd be very surprised to learn she had any Second Year students on her books at all!' retorted Reg. 'In fact it's a wonder to me you haven't blown yourself to smithereens already!'

'I'll have you know,' Melissande said hotly, hands on hips, 'that Madam Ravatinka is a highly qualified expert and — '

She was interrupted by the sound of her apartment doors opening and an autocratic voice crying, 'Melissande? Where are you? Come out here immediately, I wish to talk to you!'

'LionalV whispered Melissande. 'Damn. If he finds you two here we're cooked. I'll get rid of him. Whatever you do don't make a sound or tonight the three of us will be sleeping in chains!'

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Heart thumping, Melissande plastered a welcoming expression onto her face, pulled the study door not quite closed behind her and shoved her hands into her pockets.'Good morning, Lional.'

Lional tossed the book he was perusing onto the floor. She tried not to wince as the cover loosened, spilling pages.'What took you so long?'

'Sorry. I was working.' She cleared her throat. 'Actually, I'm glad you're here. I need to make an urgent call on my crystal ball and it won't connect.'

'Why tell me?' said her difficult brother. 'I'm a king, not a crystal ball repairman. And I don't recall giving you permission to have a crystal ball in here while you're under house arrest.'

Oh, Saint Snodgrass. Give me strength… 'I may be under house arrest, Lional, but I'm still the prime minister. Who's going to shuffle the paperwork if I don't? Unless you'd like to fire me and appoint Rupert to the position instead?'

He frowned. 'Don't be ridiculous. Rupert is an idiot.' 'I rest my case.'

'Why won't the wretched thing work?' he demanded, eyeing her with cold, impatient displeasure. 'Did you drop it?'

Her fingers clenched inside her pockets but she managed, just, to keep her temper. Losing it now would be fatal; Lional was clearly in a precarious mood.

'No, Lional, I didn't drop it,' she said, flawlessly reasonable. 'The etheretic transductors are on the blink. Tell Gerald — Professor Dunwoody — to fix them, would you? It's about time he started earning his keep.'

'Thank you, Melissande! / will be the judge of who's earning their keep in my kingdom and who isn't! And speaking of which — ' 'Of what?' she said, after a moment.'Lional?'

Lional stared into thin air, his expression suspended. Then he stirred. 'Did you just say… etheretic transductors?

Taken aback, she blinked at him. 'Yes. Why — don't tell me you've heard of them?'

'As a matter of fact, I have. And they're on the blink, you say?' 'They are. Yes.'

'Ah. Then it would appear we've been struck by polarised lightning,' said Lional. 'In which case there's nothing our good Gerald can do. Wizards can't reverse the effects of a polarised lightning strike. Nobody can. All one can do is wait for the etheretic conditions to return to normal. So, Melissande. About this wedding…'

'Forget about the bloody wedding, Lional!' she snapped before she could stop herself. At the look on his face she whipped her hands from her pockets and held them out placatingly. 'At least for the moment, and tell me what you're talking about. I've never heard of polarised lightning. How do you know what it is, or what it does to etheretic conductivity?'

He let out a short sharp sigh. 'Polarised lightning is an extremely rare, practically unheard of thaumaturgical phenomenon, a bizarre concatenation of colliding atoms, random particles and misfiring tetrothaumical emissions.'

Well, Madame Rink- Ravatinka had definitely never mentioned that. 'It is?' Lional glared. 'Didn't I just say so?' 'Er — according to who?'

'Former Court Wizard Grumbaugh, actually. The city was struck by it during his brief and unlamented tenure. Grumbaugh was most put out. He couldn't use his crystal ball for nearly three days. Yes, and it knocked out the portal too. Most inconvenient.'

Lional could be the most plausible liar when he felt like it. But why would he lie about something like this? Sorry Gerald, it looks like you're clean out of luck. 'And why is this the first I'm hearing of it?' she asked, feeling slighted.

'You were away at the time, officiating at some dreary little village ceremony somewhere unimportant,' said Lional, waving away her annoyance. 'By the time you got back the disruption was over. It must've slipped my mind.'

'But I was working practically all last night and I didn't see any lightning.'

'You wouldn't,' he said promptly. 'It's black, apparently. More or less invisible even during the day. But etheretic disruptions are a classic indicator of polarised lightning activity. Grumbaugh left behind some kind of monitoring apparatus, he said we were uniquely prone to the problem because of the desert and other technical claptrap I didn't listen to.' Lional's expression subtly shifted and his eyes took on a militant glitter. 'If you don't believe me I can fetch it and — '

'No, no,' she said swiftly. 'Of course I believe you, Lional. It's just a nuisance. I've got so much work to do.'

'Leave it to your staff,' he said coldly. 'That's what they're for. You, Melissande, have a wedding to plan.'

Bloody hell, the wedding again? When would her impossible brother listen? 'Lional, please reconsider! How can you do this? Hand me over to a man you despise as though I were a — a — lamp you didn't care for? Don't my feelings come into this? Doesn't it matter to you that I don't want to marry Zazoor?'

'Putting it bluntly, no,' he said. 'All that matters is my kingdom. And I'll use any coin I have to secure its future, Melissande; even my own flesh and blood.'

She couldn't swallow a choked protest fast enough. 'How can you be so cruel? I thought you loved me!'

'I do!' he cried. 'Do you think this is easy for me? That I relish the thought of Zazoor's hands upon my sister? I don't. The idea revolts me. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the good of this nation.'

'How very… noble… of you,' she said unsteadily, when she could trust herself not to scream. 'But Lional, can't you see that marrying me to Zazoor will do far more harm than good? His people will never accept me. I'm an outsider, probably an infidel. And as for this ridiculous charade involving the Kallarapi gods — oh, Lional, change your mind! New Ottosland needs me, surely you can see that!' You need me, you fool, if you're not to destroy yourself and the kingdom with this madnessl But she didn't dare say that aloud. Instead she just stared at him, willing him to hear her for once. This once.