“Of course.”
“And so anyway, about a half an hour later, I’m doing my job and I walk past her booth again. Didn’t say a word to her or to the llama. I stopped and I was talking to Mr. Dudley Bishop and I felt something behind me. He stopped talking. I turned around and there was the llama again, staring at me. Before I could back away, she spit in my face for the second time. It was just as gross as the first time. Dudley is here as my witness.”
From a folding chair in the audience, Mr. Dudley Bishop raised his hand.
“Is all this true, Mr. Bishop?” the judge asked.
“Every word of it,” the witness replied.
“Continue.”
“Well, I was pretty upset. People were laughing at me and everything, so I wiped my face off and went over to Miss Petunia. She had seen it happen and she was not at all concerned. She told me to stay away from the llama and things would be fine. I explained that I had a right to do my job and the problem was hers, not mine. Do something with her lousy llama. But she refused. I cooled off again and tried to keep my distance. If I got close to the entrance, the llama would stop whatever it was doing and give me a dirty look. I talked to Frankie about it and suggested we swap places for the rest of the morning, but he wanted no part of the llama. He said I should call Animal Control, which I did. The officer came out and had a chat with Miss Petunia. She said there is no city ordinance requiring llamas to be on a leash or confined in some way, and the Animal Control officer agreed with her. I guess it’s okay for llamas to roam the city at will, spitting at people.”
“I didn’t realize this was a problem in Strattenburg,” Judge Yeck observed.
“Well it is now. And there’s more to the story, Judge.”
“Continue.”
“Well, last Saturday it happened again, only worse. I was keeping my distance from the animal, doing my job as best I could, trying to avoid it and not even making eye contact. I didn’t say a word to Miss Petunia or anybody else around there. The other lady there, Mrs. Finnemore, has the booth next to the flower stall where she sells goat cheese, and she has this spider monkey who hangs around, attracting customers and increasing sales, I think.”
“What does the monkey have to do with the llama?”
“I’ll tell you. Sometimes the monkey will sit on the llama’s back, sort of ride it around, and this always gets a lot of attention. Kids hang around and take pictures. Some of the parents even take photos of their kids posing with the llama and the monkey. Well, this one little girl got scared and started screaming. I walked over, and as soon as the llama saw me she bolted and ran at me. I didn’t get within thirty feet of her, but she attacked anyway. I didn’t want to get spit on again, so I moved back. She kept coming, with the monkey hanging on like some cowboy. When I realized the llama meant business, I turned around and started running. The faster I ran, the faster the llama ran. I could hear the monkey squealing, having fun, I guess. This was about eight o’clock, so the market was packed and everyone was laughing. I didn’t know if the thing would bite or whatever. I thought about grabbing my gun and defending myself, but there were too many people around, plus I didn’t want to kill the llama. We ran up and down the aisles, all over the market, people were laughing, the monkey was squealing, it was awful.”
Judge Yeck raised a file to partially cover his face and hide the fact that he was about to burst out laughing. Theo glanced around the room and everyone was amused.
“It’s not funny, Judge,” Buck said.
“Continue.”
“Well, it all came to an end when I fell down. I stumbled in front of Butch Tucker’s watermelon stand, and before I could get up the llama bent down and spit at me. It missed my face but got my shirt wet. Butch is here if you want to verify this.”
Butch raised his hand. “It’s all true, Judge. I was there,” he said with a grinning face.
“Thank you. Continue, please.”
Buck was breathing hard and his face had turned red. He said, “Well, I finally got to my feet and I was ready to slug the llama, and maybe the monkey, too, when Frankie came running up with a stick and shooed the llama away. I guess it went back to its spot. I don’t know. I was too upset. You gotta do something, Judge. I have the right to do my job without being attacked.”
“Anything more?”
“I guess not. That’s all for now.”
“Any cross-examination, Mr. Boone?”
Theo decided it would be best for his client to tell her side of the story. He knew from experience that Judge Yeck did not like the usual courtroom procedures. “Let’s hear from Miss Petunia,” he said.
“A good idea. Miss Petunia, please give us your version.”
Miss Petunia jumped to her feet, ready to defend Lucy.
“You can keep your seat,” the judge said.
“I prefer to stand,” she said.
“Then please stand.”
“Thank you, Judge. All of what he said is true, but he left out a few things. Llamas spit when they feel threatened or harassed, and they do so as a means of defense, to protect themselves. They don’t bite and they don’t kick. They are very peaceful animals who’ve been around for thousands of years. They’re from the same family as the camel, did you know that, Judge?”
“I did not.”
“Well, they are, and they’re hard working, loyal, and easy to care for. I’ve had Lucy for twelve years, and she pulls my wagon to the market every Saturday morning at sunrise. My car is tiny, and I can’t use it to haul my flowers and herbs, so Lucy does it for me.”
Judge Yeck held up a hand, looked at Theo, and asked, “Is it legal for a llama to pull a wagon on city streets?”
Theo replied, “Yes, sir. There is no ordinance against it.”
“Where does this llama live?”
“In my backyard,” Miss Petunia said. “I have a big backyard.”
“Does the city allow llamas to be kept at private homes?”
Theo replied, “No, Your Honor. However, Miss Petunia does not live in the city. Her home is just outside the city limits, in the county, and the county does not prohibit a llama from living in her backyard.”
“Thank you, Counselor. Please continue, Miss Petunia.”
“A few months ago, Lucy and I were going home after the market was over, and we were stopped by a patrol car. Two policemen got out and started asking questions. They accused us of blocking traffic and other nonsense, but I think they were just curious. It really upset Lucy. She felt threatened.”
“Did she spit on them?” Judge Yeck asked.
“No, sir.”
“How often does she spit on people?”
“It rarely happens, Judge. About a year ago, the guy who reads the electric meters came around the house and wouldn’t leave her alone. She got him. He was wearing a uniform of sorts. You see, Judge, I don’t think Lucy likes large men in uniforms. She feels threatened by them. She’s never spat on a woman or a child, or a man who was not in a uniform.”
“A gold star for her.”
“And Mr. Boland here has not been that kind to her. He’s stopped by several times, throwing his weight around, trying to tell me that Lucy needed to be on a leash, or kept in a certain place, stuff like that. He thinks he’s in charge of the entire market. He gets part of the blame for this.”
“That’s not true, Your Honor,” Buck said. However, anyone who watched Buck in uniform knew immediately that he was proud of his authority.
“We’re not going to bicker. Are you finished, Miss Petunia?”
“I guess.”
“All right. Mr. Boland, what, exactly, do you want me to do?”
“Well, Judge, I think she should keep her llama at home, in the backyard, where it can’t spit on people or attack them in public.”