On Wednesday, I was marginally relieved to see her in a large sweater and a pair of trousers. But that day it seemed she had caught on to my avoidance, and she attempted to speak with me multiple times to “get to know me” like she has with the others. We have learned that this is a human need— the need to immediately connect with others and learn their preferences and personal experiences. I was forced to tell her multiple times that I was busy, although I felt the ludicrous desire to tell her, in detail, about every moment from my first lesson to my last battle. It wounded me to see her hurt expression when she realized I was cutting her off.
It is now Thursday. Ella is wearing a top that seems to float around her like gauzy leaves on a kavana’a tree. I have never noticed what females put on their bodies before. …Before. Yes, my whole existence is now divided by Before and After. Before Ella, I was one person. Now, I am entirely another. I have been replaced by a male that cannot stop from noticing the way her legs curve, highlighted by the hugging of her leather boots that reach to her knee. I take a long look, because I know that I must spend the rest of the day averting my eyes.
We are close to completing the monitor pod, I remind myself. I must focus so that tomorrow we will be able to finally discover the reason for my suffering. I cannot help but wonder if the universe is issuing punishment for the cowardice of my past.
“Kila,” she says, turning to me before I can find something to occupy my hands. “Would you like to try this coffee? It’s something most humans drink every day. It has caffeine, which helps people wake up and get energy. Do you have anything like caffeine on Kar’Kal?”
I stare at the white cup in her hand to avoid her eyes. It is filled with brown liquid. The color is very like her hair, rich and dark.
“No,” I reply. “It sounds mind-altering, so I should avoid this.”
Then, I walk to our cabinets and start taking out my materials for today, before she has a chance to distract me again. Mind-altering indeed. What an excuse that is, when my mind has already altered itself without my permission. I don’t dare to look at her, for fear she is making a sad face that will fill me with guilt. I lay out the half-finished sample analyzer that I began constructing yesterday. Focus, focus, focus. I recall the teachings of my early training, as though I am only eight passings old. Emotions do not solve problems. They are a distraction. Emotions will not defeat the Azza.
Soon, the day is passing, and I have now completed two analyzers. Along with the three Mori has done, we have a complete set for each team member. The clock tells me it is time for the facility to close soon. Ella is bent over Kiva’s desk, where he is explaining to her how the analyzer works. She smiles at him when he offers to demonstrate by sampling her blood. She holds out her wrist and he grasps her arm. That now-familiar jealousy stirs. Is it possible Kiva is affected by her too? Is he hiding it from Pakka? Does he see the same things that I see when I look at her? And if this is so, how is it fair that he should enjoy her attentions while I deny myself?
I must leave for a moment to calm down. I head for the door without providing any excuse for my abrupt exit. The ‘break’ room is not far from the lab; I will go there to gather my thoughts.
A rapid click-clacking behind me sends a shiver up my spine. It is her, following me.
“Kila!” she calls as she rushes down the hallway. “Kila, can I talk to you?”
I halt and look back at her. The blouse she wears is fluttering as she jogs to catch up to me.
“Damn, you move fast,” she says once she is beside me, out of breath.
“What is it you need?” I say tightly.
“Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here, but I’d like to fix this. I can tell you are… angry with me about something. Can you tell me what I’ve done wrong so I can make it up to you?”
My stomach feels like it is clenching. Of course, I have made her feel as though I hate her by ignoring her. I am speechless, wondering just how I can explain myself without telling her the disturbing truth. Worst of all, she thinks that it is something she has done to have caused this. Ridiculous. Even if she is emitting pheromones that addle my brain, I am certain she is unaware of it.
“I… I…” I hesitate. All the while her eyes are wide, awaiting my response. Another being comes barreling down the corridor. It is a massive Sciva that could likely harm Ella with one errant swat of his arm. We are forced to squeeze away from him so that he may pass us by. Instinctively, I grasp her by the arm and tug her towards the wall with my back to the hairy beast, who at least has the decency to apologize profusely to us as he shuffles away. For that moment, Ella’s chest is pressed against mine. The brushing of her breasts against me is enough sensation to spark a fire beneath my skin.
When I step back, she takes a moment to collect herself. Perhaps she feels something as well. The thought is tantalizing. Immediately, I feel I must know if it is true.
“As I was saying,” she murmurs. “Something… clearly is bothering you about me and I think we should work it out. I mean, I worked with my Oofara team for five years, and since we have no idea how long you guys will be on this project, it really is important that everyone can be honest with one another—”
“Stop,” I demand, and she startles at my tone. “I cannot stand the discomfort of knowing you believe I have hatred towards you. You have done nothing wrong.”
“Okay,” she says slowly. Her cheeks are flushing. She feels it too, my mind whispers. Look at her, she is just as weakened as you.
“Your presence has a strange effect on me,” I manage to admit. “It has not gone away. I thought it was best to avoid you because of this, but I had no intention of making you feel that you have wronged me in some way. For that I apologize.”
Without thinking, I reach for her hand and hold it in my own. The warmth of it is calming, more effective than any of the meditation I attempted this week. While I hold tight to this small part of her and anxiously await her reaction to my confession, I realize the depth of trouble I am in. It is not simply a response, not simply a mistake. I am neck deep in this strange sickness with no escape in sight.
Chapter 7
Ella
My face is hot, and Kila is clutching my sweaty palm. It feels surprisingly nice, this connection. Almost as nice as when he boxed me against the wall with his massive body, causing my face to press against his hard chest. That sudden physical contact made me clam up like an idiot and start blathering. Now, I am absolutely dumbfounded to find that Kila doesn’t hate me at all.
“A strange effect?” I repeat. The words remind me of what he said on Monday, when I assumed he meant that he had a boner. I don’t want to jump to conclusions here.
“I cannot stop looking at you. It is shameful,” he tells me. His expression is full of pain, and he squeezes my hand as he admits to this.
It feels like boiling water has been poured all over my head, because I’m pretty sure this alien is trying to apologize to me for thinking I’m attractive. I am such an idiot. Maybe he hardly ever sees women. Maybe the women he knows at home cover themselves from head to toe. Should I have done some more research? Man, I really thought I was doing a great job but now I’m wondering if I am screwing up big time. Do they find my presence to be distracting? Is this why Pakka refused to look at me while I spoke to him? I thought he was just trying to mask what he knew about Kila. I decide it’s best that I pull my clammy hand away from him. We are still dangerously close, and my back is against the wall.