“She did.”
“I knew I would have to call the hospice. That once they took her away, she would never see her house again.”
I found myself crying now. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I wiped them with the sleeve of my sweater. She never had to leave her house, I wanted to say. Do you realize how important that was to her?
“I drove around a lot,” I said. “I went to a spot I go to, to think.”
“Where is that?”
“It’s near farmland up near Yellow Springs Road. You can see the Limerick nuclear plant from there.”
“And you stayed there for how long?”
I calculated in my head how long I had been with Hamish and added the extra hour or so I’d still been at my mother’s.
“About three hours.”
“You sat and thought for three hours?”
“I’m afraid to admit that I fell asleep. My mother can be very exhausting.”
“And you went home after that?”
“Yes.”
“Did you make any phone calls or talk to anyone?”
“No. Will you tell me how my mother died?” My lies were mounting, and I knew it.
“Her body was found in the basement.”
“The basement? Did she fall?” I stopped. Even to my own ears, I sounded false.
“We aren’t certain yet. We have an autopsy scheduled for this afternoon. What was your mother wearing yesterday?”
I mentioned the skirt I had cut open, the blouse I had ripped, and her putty-colored bra. They must have already collected them from the kitchen floor.
“Was she in the habit of dressing herself?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Did your mother go outside the house much?”
“She was agoraphobic,” I said. “It was very hard for her to leave the house.”
“I mean around the yard or, say, taking the trash down the steps outside the kitchen, that sort of thing.”
“She was very willful. She wouldn’t let Mrs. Castle and me do everything.”
I thought we had barely begun, but after placing the thin red ribbon on the current page, Detective Broumas closed his notebook. He visibly relaxed, waving a sort of postural off-duty flag.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” he said.
“Can I see her?”
Detective Broumas stood. I stayed in the model’s chair.
“Tomorrow, after the autopsy,” he said. “What’s this like?” He gestured to indicate the room.
“What’s what like?” I asked.
“Doing what you do for a living?” His smile came easily. I hated it. I hated it because I could not tell him to fuck off, because I knew the kind of interest he had. There was sincere and there was prurient.
“Like any other job, but that much more exposed,” I said.
He chuckled to himself and stepped off the platform. I took this as my cue that I could stand.
“We have a few people we still haven’t tracked down who we want to talk to. Neighbors at work, that sort of thing.” He took his jacket off the easel and slipped it on. “There are fingerprints and a footprint to run. We found a small bit of blood on the side porch. It could be your mother’s. Her body had been moved.”
I stepped down from the platform. I felt myself floating.
I pictured myself nude and curled up in the bathtub of my father’s workshop. The tools and hooks that had fallen from the walls were sticking halfway out of my bloodless flesh.
Coldness kills. I saw it as an entry in Jake’s journal, scribbled in his hurried hand. I thought of my mother leaning out my bedroom window when I was a teenager, to braid and rebraid the vine outside. Protecting me from Mr. Leverton had seemed so crucial to her that she had regularly risked falling from the second story of her home. Why hadn’t she been frightened? Had she loved me that much or had it had nothing to do with me? Had my birth merely created an extension of her fear?
The uniformed police officer opened the door.
“I’ll let you get back to your friend and your husband. Oh,” Detective Broumas said, “I’m sorry. Your ex-husband, correct?”
I nodded my head. I had gotten down off the platform only to find myself desperately in need of a chair. I leaned, as nonchalantly as I could, into the carpeted edge of the platform.
“Yes.”
“And how long have you two been divorced?”
“More than twenty years,” I said.
“That’s a long time.”
“We have two daughters.”
“You’re close enough that he would come and repair your mother’s window.”
“Yes.”
“All the way from Santa Barbara?”
“Actually,” I said, “he’s in town to meet his-”
Detective Broumas cut me off. “Yes, yes, he gave me a name. Let’s go, Charlie.”
I stood then and walked toward the door. I thought of the game of shadow the girls had played when they were small, in which one of them walked right behind the other, turning left when the other turned, leaning right when the other leaned, so that the one in front could never see the shadow girl.
I could see Natalie and Jake talking in the room opposite. Both of them had taken seats in the front row of what was a more traditional classroom used for art history and Western thought classes. The desk part of the molded chairs was a light lemon yellow and curved around their bodies.
I saw the policemen walking down the hallway, Detective Broumas slightly behind the two uniformed officers. He was talking on his cell phone. I heard him say “hair ribbon” to someone in a directive tone and then the word “braid.”
Jake, who was facing toward the door, spied me first.
Natalie turned awkwardly around in the school chair and looked at me. “I don’t even know who you are sometimes,” she said.
I felt my stomach drop. I started to speak but then saw Jake vigorously shaking his head side to side and mouthing, No.
There was only one other thing Natalie could be referring to. Why would he have told her?
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You’ve known him since he was a baby.”
This didn’t matter to me. Plenty of fifty-year-old men slept with thirty-year-old women, and I was certain that among their number were those who had known their conquests as infants. Unfortunately the only person I could think of just then was John Ruskin and a ten-year-old named Rose la Touche.
“It was mutual,” I said.
“Jesus,” Natalie spat out. She looked away from me and toward the blackboard. I followed her glance. One of the students had taken advantage of an emptying classroom to draw a giant penis on the board. The caricature fellating it looked an awful lot like Tanner.